Hello everyone. I need some advice about sex during this time. Here's the scenario:

-Wife in one-sided EA (or wanna-be EA/infatuation) from 7/12 until two weeks ago. Three weeks ago, he told her to leave him alone. Two weeks ago, she came right out and asked him for an affair. He told her AGAIN to leave him alone. Then she texted him saying "Did you tell Justtiredofit?". She later admits it was a ploy to get my attention (long story).

-Separated since 12/13/12. I have my own apartment.

-I like having my own apartment so I can work on my issues that I discovered I had when I moved out.

-Since two weeks ago when she was sorta "forced" to come out of the fog, she has been trying to talk to me.

-Since Monday when she found out I was dating, she began hounding the crap out of me. And Wednesday night wanted to put the divorce on hold.

So we have been talking about things. Talking about what needs to be fixed in the marriage, going to a mini-counseling session tomorrow, talking about the future, discussing going to Colorado for counseling, etc.

She keeps asking me if I have kissed/slept with other women. Of course I told her no all 3 times she has asked. Then I asked her why she keeps asking me that. She said "Because I'm soooo lonely. This really SUCKS. And my hormones are off the chart." She hinted last night that she opened a package for me, it was testosterone pills that I ordered before I left. I told her that I think we need to wait on sex and she agreed (although I don't think she would turn me down). Then she asked me how long she thinks holding off will last?

And herein is the problem. I don't feel comfortable having sex with her right now. I no more want to pleasure her right now, then there is a man on the moon. I DO, but I DON'T. I'm not ready to let her have any part of me until I FEEL:

-Love
-Adoration
-Respect
-Concern
-Need

Toward me. I HAVE to have this FIRST. It's what I was lacking when I knew she was pining for another man's attention (although she was still "Honey, Baby, Sweetheart, love you deeply", etc WHILE she was fantasizing about him).

BUT.....at the same time, I know that it's not good to starve the marriage of sex. I'm not making excuses, I really DO NOT want to even hold hands with her until I feel and hear that the love has returned. I have to have that first!

What do I do about this? I wanna hold off, but you guys tell me.....

The SOONER you have sexual relations, the sooner you will feel bonded to her. That is a need you can meet now. Living apart is a very bad idea because it makes it harder to achieve all those things you want in a marriage.

You are still married... why are you dating?

Somehow I missed this! You are having an affair? SAY WHAT??

No, when she said "Our marriage is at an end" on Dec 13, I said "Okie dokie, I'm gonna go do what I wanna do." She's the one that wanted to end the marriage. I just went and did what I wanted to do. When she showed her dismay, I said I can stop dating and we can put the divorce on hold.

But I will take y'all's advice and go ahead and have relations then.

Well hidely ho, okely dokely, neighbor! Gee whiz gon' then!


This forum is for recovering marriages from adultery, would you like to do that?

You are having a RA. You are not divorced and you are dating an OW.

Have you gotten any of Dr Harley's book? Start today by ordering Suriving An Affair, and move back home. End you affair. Tell WW that she has to have NC with the OM and follow MB.

Then have SF with your wife.

Please get rid of anyone that you are "dating" right now. You are not doing this with the right intentions. If you have an inkling of care for your wife and your marriage you will not and should not give your love to anyone but your wife.

Until you are divorced, you are still married. An affair is an affair. Even if she started it, you are not better by trying to get back at her and show her you are better off without her and with someone else. This just causes an entire other chapter of pain for your family to overcome when trying to recover.


The fact that you are on here asking and even contemplating have SF with your wife shows that you do still have feelings and connections with her. Think about what I am saying and if you really want to see the pain that both A's and RA's have...read my posts.

I read your story on the other SA forum. Instead of trying to ruin your marriage, you and your WW need to start working on recovering it. If you don't want to recover your marriage, that is understandable but at least let your heart heal before you jump in with anyone else. That is not fair to anyone.

Sir you are married and should not be dating anyone.
That is the same as having an affair.
Do you understand this?
Marriage means NO third person.

You need to wait until you are divorced before you date another