You said this affair began during the 17th year of your marriage, and you've been married for 21 years. You also said that your husband has only known the truth for the past 7 months, so that means you deceived your husband for about 4 years. Correct? When your husband finally found out, was the affair fully disclosed to family, friends, clergy, and OM's family? Has your husband spoken directly with OM's wife in order to compare notes? If not, this should be done immediately.

I know now that trickle truth is cruel. I first got some very bad counsel from a priest who told me to not tell my Bh anything. We even went to see him and he said to my Bh that my confession was a secret and my Bh was not my confessor. By following this advice I was not coming clean and hurting my Bh. After seeing my Bh sick and angry for a month or so I got all the cell phone records for him. I was very ashamed and tried to hide the truth. Finally told him how long the EA was, when and how it started and ended. I then found the MB web site and told my Bh I meet the OM for dinner. That was about 10 months ago.

I believe my Bh has every right to know all information about my EA.

I agree with you, it makes me sick to my stomach to think the Om and I talked about loving our Bs�s and kids and acting with such disrespect and dishonor. I thank God every day that I did not have sex with him and had a fear of Hell, I should have felt that fear just by talking to this Om. That would have sent me there as well.

I should have shown the love I have for my Bh and told my Bh about the OM�s email. I will never meet any other man without my Bh�s being there.I will never contract any Om without my Bh approval. I will show my Bh any and all messages I receive from any Om. My Bh has that right and have to earn trust.I have no OS friends that is not friends with my husband.

My Bh exposed to the Om�s wife. My Bh did not want anyone to know. But I exposed myself to his brother after a very angry Bh exposed to my children and my only family, my cousin who Bh did not know was in our home at the time. Bh has exposed to some family, friends and a couple of priests.

You wrote, "I believe my Bh has every right to know all information about my EA." You already admitted that there was physical contact, so why do you continue describing it as an EA?

No mention of polygraph yet. If I were your BH I would leave. Your obviously concealing information. No mention of closing FB or other EPs. Did you read the link that talks about just compensation. All I see is talk and no walk.

The Om found me through a business website that I never paid to use,and never used but OM was able to send me an email.I was able to send a reply. My Bh found my profile on the Om site. I deleted and closed my profile and all connection with that site.

Trueform, as I was reading your thread at first, I thouhgt JessicaClaire was being a tad overpresumptuous in jumping to the conclusion that this was a sexual affair.

Then, later, you posted this: As a former wayward myself who has spent an awful lot of the past 4 years reading & learning about affairs and reflecting on my own experience, as part of the process of rebuilding my marriage after my own, I'll just say that, to my ears, your account of things just doesn't ring quite true. You carried on the affair (you say emotional-only) for 4 years, and met OM at his hotel & went to his room, and... drove out for a dinner-date? (The simple prospect of which caused you to freak out such that you drove around for an extra hour?) And in a car that he had to call for, even though you'd driven yourself there?

Well, I suppose it's possible that it happened that way. However, knowing what I know about waywards (having been one, and having had a married affair-partner who was thus also one), I don't believe it for a minute.

Your Step #1 has got to be, take & pass a polygraph.
Then we can talk about the steps after that. Until then, any other line of discussion is just wasted time, for both you & your husband.

I would like to understand how you define EA and PA. I thought that a PA is if someone has any type of sexual contact. So foggy I just figured out the hug hello and kiss goodbye count as sexual contact. All of you are helping me. Thank you.

You said that you never used the website, but then admitted that you had a profile on the website and used the website to correspond with OM. So you did use the website. And what was the point of mentioning that you didn't have a paid subscription to the website? Were you using LinkedIn? If so, were you able to send emails through that website without a paid subscription?

I firmly believe she is looking to sweep this under the rug. Simply because it was her first affair and believes it won't happen again. Which in my eyes as a current BH is extremely selfish. All her posts are suspect and she only cares about n�mero uno. I have yet to see any concern for what she did to her BH. Just I and mes in every thread.

In order to keep your affair a secret for 4 years, deception must have become a way of life. Ironically (given your username), giving deceptive answers is "true to form" for you because lying about your affair has become a habit. A polygraph could be extremely helpful because it would enable your husband to be certain that he knows the whole truth.

Trueform;
Taking the polygraph is a gift you can give your BH. If you have told him all important information already, the poly ill allow him to see that you are now telling him the truth.
If you still have more to reveal to him about your A, do that now. Then offer to take the polygraph.

The habit of lying can become very ingrained. But you can change.

Wishing you well with this.

TF, stepping back a bit from the details of the story, I'd like to point out the dominant trending reaction, okay?

We out here exchanged no vows with you. We were not married to you for 21 years. We have no investment in your life or happiness, and ours will basically remain unaffected by your progress or failure. We struggle with no burdensome sense of your betrayal.

Given all that isolation and dis-involvement, even so we have trouble giving full credence to your story. For your BH, with all those other elements churning inside him as well, there can be no surprise that he cannot bring himself to accept the story he has been given as full and forthright, put doubt aside, and move on.

Without that intellectual/emotional position, any further attempts to build anew life will be constructing an house on a foundation of sand - useless and worse than just walking away.

You need to take a polygraph. There is no other fruitful path before you.

Funny how polygraph is thrown around and this poster disappears.

I have offered to take a polygraph ever since I found the MB web site. That's about 10 months ago. My Bh main concern is that he feels my heart is all his. Please see his posting Late for the Sky.

I want to thank all of you for the slap in the face yesterday it helped me see that my communication needs a lot of work. After seeing some of the same things posted on this board as my BH has been saying for awhile I was hit with so many emotions about myself and what I have put my dear husband through. He was the innocent person in a crazy mixed up emotional mess that started many years before I meet him.

We talked for about 7 hours yesterday. We worked through unraveling so many feelings, pain and past hurts that I had caused or that we had brought into our marriage.

I ordered the workbook and HNHN, LB books.

This morning I asked if I can write a NC letter to the OM and my HB said to write it. This is something I have wanted to do to try and regain some dignity for my BH and myself.

Get the book SAA first.

Post your NC letter here for us to read also.

The problem isn't a lack of communication; the problem is continued deception. Did you schedule a polygraph?

Don't offer do it yourself take charge. He feels that way cause of the continued deception.

Post the letter here first before you send it to make sure it does not need to be edited.

MY A was 2 1/2 years.

My username has everything to do with revealing my true self to my husband and giving all my heart to him without any impediment. This OM was an impediment. My golden calf. What I thought "true love" felt like.

I never looked for the OM he did not rule my every thought during my 17 years of marriage. But when I got that email from the OM I was completely lost in a world that overwhelmed everything in my life. Looking honestly at this emotional relationship and freeing myself of any attachment.

Maybe you find it hard to believe my story and I would as well. Human beings are complex. My Bh and I have had a year of hard discussions.

You see, I was not going to give my body to this man without some proof of his real commitment to me. After all I had waited 20 some years for him to come back to me. But at the same time I knew that would take me to HELL. At the same time I was afraid to lose my family, my soul, myself. I was so lost. Running fast away from God's grace. God help me for being so lost in a fog of sin. My poor BH was mostly unaware of these complex emotions that surrounded his life.

These seeped their infection throughout my marriage.

Finally being completely free of any tie. The cord cut. The peace of grace. The warmth of complete openness and honestly. Giving my whole heart to my husband is all I desire.