It has taken me a long time to try to figure out what I want to say, and I am still not sure exactly what I am looking for on here and that is why I decided to put this post in MB101. For those of you that have read the greenmamma posts, you will know most of our story. I did not read the whole post while it was up, so I am not sure if all of the details are there or not. I am going to try to work on posting the details of what happened in our relationship, but there are many twists and turns that span 20 years and I am still working on it. We are currently still trying to work things out, but it has been extremely difficult, and I am coming on here for reassurance and help understanding how to be better at fixing this. I have read Surviving an Affair, and I feel there are some good things in the book, but I have found that I am not good at actually doing them.

My first question revolves around the conditions. I am scared that I will be unable to live by the conditions outlined by my wife. I desperately want to say yes, I can do this and jump in, but I am scared that I will fail and let her down again. I am sure other people have had this fear, and I would appreciate any testimonials to how this was dealt with and what the outcome was. Since accepting these conditions, and making her feel safe is the first step in the process and must be done, I would like advice on that subject first. We both really want this to work, but as my wife told me last night, I am really bad at this. I do not disagree that this is difficult for me, and I am struggling to get better at it and get better at it quickly. Any help would be appreciated. This is just the beginning.

Bottom line is this GD; Everything takes work and effort when you want something bad enough. No excuses. If you love your wife, you will do what is necessary to not fail. All of the struggling and excuses only shows that you put your self first and your pride gets in your way. When someone learns humility and how to be humble, they find a way to do what is necessary to make things work. I can't give you a testimonial because my WxW is the one that left with her AP. What I can tell you is that I have become a better parent and man because of it.

The road is always bumpy and life will always be hard, but I'll leave you with this:

"Everything you do for yourself will be buried with you. Everything you do for others will live forever."

Welcome to MB GD.

What are the conditions that your BW gave you? Why are you having a hard time following them? Don't you want your BW to feel safe in your M?

Welcome to MB GreenDaddy,

This little bit from Dr. Harley may be of some help in understanding and possibly changing what you bring to the marriage.

Instincts and Habits

I suggest you ask the moderators to move your thread to Surviving an Affair

Regarding the conditions described in the book, there is one fact: people CAN change.
We are capable of ending old habits. We are capable of starting bad habits.

It is difficult at first to change the way we live and how we relate to others. But over time it becomes the norm.

Hi Greendaddy, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am not familiar with your story. Can you give me a BRIEF synopsis of your story?


What are the conditions and why would you be unable to live by them? What has she suggested that you would be unable to do?

Welcome, GD. You are not the first WS to arrive here uncertain of how to start. Like Mel suggested - give us the whole picture (you mentioned 20 years? Wow!). But always bear in mind there is almost nothing that you don't think you can do today, that the folks here cannot help you do tomorrow!

So Greendaddy,
The nature of MarriageBuilders, is that it is very actionable and it also begins with the notion that participants ARE NOT good at doing these things, otherwise they'd already be doing them.

So the MB program makes use of questionairres to get the ball rolling so you know what/how/when to discuss the changes. They also have room for descriptions of how the participants like to have needs met and how oftern per unit time. You can then make yourself a checklist and check the things off. This will build thoise good habits and in a little while, you'll be "good" at it because you will have built the habits. You'll be able to do them with little to no thought or expenditure of energy becasue it will be a habit.

Changing your actions and habits will actually change your thinking.

It will be frustrating and you will feel like a giver guaranteed, I was told. But if you have a length of time for your plan A to try, is the time up? Read your list of "Why I'm doing this".
Maybe someone can post a link to the article on the list of why I'm doing this.
One reason is dont let her benefit by doing the love busters. How will she benefit? it makes you look like the monster bad guy.

wow - i went on vacation, came back, started work for the year, and still, no further posting from GD. why am i not surprised? what a shame.