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The radio show was a women describing how she felt after discovering about her WH and advise on how to Survive the Affair.
We are in recovery and the affair has long since ended we are even on opposite sides on the world from the OWs, yes both of them but despite the time and distance I have only recently found out . Discovery through a visiting friend who I hadn't seen for 3 years and an old deleted email.
I've read HNHN and reading SAA but not lovebusters, actually still reading SAA and need to re read the other book as was in no sleeping , shock mode and didn't take it all in.
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Hello MB,
Just sitting here unable to sleep feeling absolutely awful not knowing whether to stay or go.
My WH has just come back from an overseas trip and all I want to do is search his phone,laptop etc.
I have just been on Skype and read his messages to his sister be us I felt that honesty rather than bravado to friends would show through.
He talks about why he has been unhappy and hence cheated on me and naturally he gives his side which his sister symphaizes with
and he agrees that perhaps it's time to finish our marriage as does he. Meanwhile he talks about wanting to stay together and is showing signs of wanting to do so minus any interest still of reading, posting etc etc
I'm sure he feels like me, he doesn't want to o through the ordeal of a divorce and most importantly doesn't want to hurt our children so its worth a try but forgive but I not feel like trying very hard and in response I suspect he isn't putting himself out as I would expect him too.
I think he thinks its my fault he had affairs and wouldn't it be nice if his sister heard all about what I had to endure causing me to be the less than hospitable wife in our marriage.
I've seen the devastation of an affair in a friends marriage and I've seen and heard what people had to say and for the most part my poor friend whose husband was wayward with her best friend actually came of worse in a lot of respects. I guess Im saying I'd love my WH sister to hear my side but would it be a bad move.,
I'm starting to think my husband is saying all the right things but not acting them hence not meaning them.
Sorry Im confused and on a downer, this is such a roller coaster and I've got no support around me.
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Sorry, haven't heard from you in awhile. Is your husband an alcoholic? Have you set up EPs to prevent another affair? Did you let him know what it will take to fix the marriage? If he's just woofing and not showing any action things will not change for the better. Stay strong, stay smart, stay focused and have a plan!
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Yes I have set up EP's and luckily he isn't an alcoholic as well as an adulterer. I'm sure many are and hence you know it could always be worse.
I think he is part woofing and part trying and Im struggling to stay focused and plan sensibly.
I'm actually going to see the DR today and get some antidepressants as I think Im slipping and Im fighting whether to just give up or fight for my marriage. Perhaps stepping of the emotional roller coaster will help me think clearly and then decide and whatever that ends up being I can follow through with a plan.
Thank you for being there when I woke this morning, Im really low today and have to muster strength for my kids and to go to work now.
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First, you need to expose to your daughters.
You also need to either follow the Recovery plan in the book Surviving an Affair.
You need to ask him to follow the Recovery plan with no deviation whatsoever.
If he refuses to then you should separate from him.
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JK is right and your welcome. Us BS have good days and bad. The thing to do when they hit is to do something enjoyable for me I found the gym, running and spending time with my son. Brainstorm on your alone time and find your thing. Make sure its something that will better you.
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Had a horrible conversation with WH last night, felt like I was being verbally abused without any shouting involved. Was left completely deflated and feeling like he doesn't want to make the correct steps to move forward, in fact every word that came out of his mouth seemed to be a negative statement towards me.
Well my thoughts were pull yourself together and think smart and play smart....
Amazingly he had a far better attitude this morning and has even taken SAA with him to read at work tonight. FINALLY ! !
Now this might be our real chance at moving forward together but if it is not going to work out like that Im sure going to get myself back to a better place and carefully and smartly make sure Im strong and ready for the alternative.
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Jedi Knight could you please advise the best way for me and or WH to expose to 6 and 8 year old daughters??
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Jedi Knight could you please advise the best way for me and or WH to expose to 6 and 8 year old daughters?? Listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harley talking about this. Radio Clip on telling children Segment #2
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What a relief , thank you for the link....
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What a relief , thank you for the link.... You're welcome. Tell us how it goes.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 43
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Spoke to my girls, the 6 year old really let it all wash over but my 8 year old cuddled me and said " it'll all be ok mummy" wow !
Anyway for them to know and to be assured that nothing is there fault , that's everything that matters.
Meanwhile I switch between gloomy days and not so gloomy as Im sure is a familiar story.
My WH tries to do the right thing and says all the wrong things as Im sure he is clueless strangely as to what I need. I am on another very Gloomy few days at the moment but just get on with life day to day and am wondering why any of us loyal spouses even consider remaining with our adulterous spouses sometimes.
My WH wants to know when I can get past my sadness and I suppose be happy again. My answer was I wish it were now but how the hell canI put a time frame on this.
I have a time limit on all this though because I return home for a holiday in 6 months or it will be a permanent visit if I feel my husband hasn't met my needs and I suppose visa versa.
He is quick to tell me how returning home will be such a negative move and I have no real friends there etc which has really hurt me as if Im not hurting enough.
I have even suggested I quit work for a few months to give me a chance to rest and recoup mentally and regain myself physically. I thought it was a great idea, even giving me time to get to know people and make friends but no he has said we can't afford it. It's not like I get paid a lot anyway!
He should try moving to a foreign land, not even getting time to establish friends and then get the soul destroying news that his spouse has been unfaithful twice. The have no support around, have to initially hide his emotions day in day out as he goes to work each day and literally have no time alone to grieve openly and then watch as his spouse tells him he can have all the support he needs but appear to not get any.
I want to leave him because I think he deserves it and Im not sure I want to stay but then I think it's worth a shot hence Im with MB trying to find my way through.
I don't know what to do next.....
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You have a brave 8 yr old daughter. That's why I think Dr. H says its imperative to tell the children. In my case as well my SS (even though he isn't with me) and DS are my best support. Daily my DS 4 says "I miss mom and SS, I want them home! Mom needs to tell you the truth so you can love each other and stay married." That lil conversation alone is enought to erase all doubts of "am I doing the right thing".
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Woke up today and it appears WH is not speaking to me, after an evening of much upset on my part my WH suggested I leave because Ill be happier.
I wanted to and I also nearly went to my friend who is in recovery but decided to keep a distance from her as Im sure it's the last thing she needs.
Reading your post this morning TQ I know why Im still here and yes it's 2 lovely girls who deserve a happy, secure home Im just in a lonely place right now and thank goodness I can write to you all at MB, wish you could hug as well. Guess the Internet has managed that one yet.
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Uhh...if he wants to separate, HE can leave. You stay where you are! Many hugs.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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I hear you but just to clarify I would be the one leaving simply because I would return home to my birth place, family and friends. He can stay here on his own without his family and friends.
Thanks for the hugs much appreciated.
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You need to communicate with your husband; "I am willing to remain married to you only if we follow the recovery plan in the Survivijg an Affair book"
If you don't follow that plan he will not know how to make love bank deposits.
Both of you need to read that book and FOLLOW it
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How right you are JK, so we re read some more of the recovery plan yesterday.
Wanted to add I feeling quite unwell today, suspect flu and stress but my WH is doing a great job of looking after me as Im bed bound. Quite a few deposits in the love bank today.
Thought it would be nice to share a positive thing for a change.....
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