Exposed to all but OM parents. Not sure how i'm going to accomplish that, but i'll find a way. I have asked her to stop the A because it's the right/respectful thing to do.

I am thinking of filing the papers Monday for shared custody reserving the right to choose where the children reside. This means they will be home with me every night.

File for full and go to that POSOM house. Get all the phone calls texts emails printed out and hand deliver it. Did you expose to her work?

Your wife's emotional abuse is extending from you to the kids, as evidenced in her wanting to them to develop a relationship with the POSOM who is destroying their lives. I would file for 100% custody, giving her no more than supervised visitation until she comes to her senses.

I have not had access to this information since PA1. She shut me out of all of her stuff and changed her cell provider and phone. She is suspicious if I even touch her phone.

I do not know exactly where OM lives to expose to his parents.

I am afraid to expose to her work; because while I am the primary breadwinner, I am not sure I can make ends meet on my pay. It's about a 75/25 split with little fat to cut in the budget.

Should I be working on eliminating Love Busters and meeting any of her needs at this time? Or am I looking at full on Plan B/divorce as the only option?

if the affair does not end there will be no splitting bills anymore, but splitted households. If you think her stopping working is expensive, start thinking about that. The best way to avoid divorce is to stop letting her walk all over you.

Are you even sure the children are yours? You might want to think about a paternity test.

And don't be scared or timid waywards expect that. Expose at her job and look up POSOM on FB or something. A little digging and you can find out. Might want to get a GPS to put on her car. That would also give you an address

nothing on OM's FB. WW keeps putting up messages of inspiration and empowerment. going to confront OM now and expose.

God grant me strength and take away my fear.

Well exposure is done. His family knew. They don't have a problem with the relationship existing because she has told them it's over for us. They are just not allowed be physical while at the home. What kind of morals do these people have!?!

So what is the next step? I was planning on filing the papers tomorrow. Should I do that and go on with Plan B or do I need to do some Plan A first? Do I try to talk to her?

If I don't file soon she will file on Friday and I want her on the defensive not myself.

If you know she will file, then you want to file first. The first to file usually does have the advantage, and that's what you need here. Besides, you can cancel the divorce at any time while trying to recover.

Did you expose to only her family? What about friends?

Sadly, a lot of people just want to pray to God and hope he changes things, not realizing that God works through people....THEY are his change (this is for if you're religious).

I agree KR that's where I am now. If your willing to wait for recovery you can also drag it out.

I exposed to my family, hers, his. I'm terrified to take it any further.


I don't know how I'll be able to drag out a divorce. She's wanted it for so long. We went to the bookstore today and she wanted to get me a book on being a divorced father.

Maybe I should just file, go to Plan B, and do some PR while I let their fling dissolve.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know you can't see it yet, but it's there. Just keep going. Once step at a time. You are doing great.

You must expose to more people -- ANYONE who may have influence over her, or him. You CAN do this!

Yes. Better to expose all at once for maximum impact. I exposed WH 5 mths after we had separated when I found MB. The effect was better than I expected. He had alienated himself from friends and family. I included his phone number in my exposure email and quite a few of his friends phoned him, which I think helped him defog a little. Don't underestimate the power of positive peer pressure.

At the end of the day, people will find out anyway.

But what if everything she says is true? She really doesn't love me and there's no hope that she ever will again? Then I will have alienated the one who was my best friend. I know she is no longer my best friend, but she was.

And will this look bad when I go to court for custody?

So many questions and moving so fast. I'm a planner by nature not a decider.

It's simple your being timid. Forget the what ifs and what now. She is disrespecting you and your children and you just huffing and puffing while she laughing at you with POSOM. Show her that these crappy decisions have consequences.

Look at it this way. Your wife will thank you later for outing her if she has any moral compass in her. What kind of friend treats another friend with such disrespect?... If she doesn't come around after exposure she isn't such a great friend as you think. You really have nothing to lose here and everything to gain.

The seasoned vets have said that they aren't going to waste their time posting to someone who simply won't follow the advice given. If you don't act you'll lose a valuable resource.

Expose to friends far and wide. Anyone who will have influence over your WW. Do it today. Don't half @ss it. If you're going to follow the program you might as well be all in.

I am going to the courthouse now to file the divorce papers before she does.

I am asking for shared custody with the right to choose where the children live.

Tonight I am going to post my letters to FB and her employer for approval from the group. And after she goes to bed the tsunami will strike. I fully expect her to explode and leave when that time comes.

Thank you all for your encouragement. I will not be shamed in my own house by someone I love any longer. I am better than that.

Also, read the exposure thread. Wish I knew how to post that. DO NOT FIGHT ANGER WITH ANGER. Cooler heads prevail, only a fool gives full vent to his anger. Don't let her turn you into a monster. Stay calm and let her know I am doing this to protect our marriage. Below is a quote from someone else's thread by Mortarman. Read it and live it:

Shescrazy...just read your story. Everything here looks typical...nothing new. And in many ways, as others have told you...yoi have done good. So, the attaboys are deserved for those.

But I am going to do to you what several good people did to me when I was going through my mess ten years ago. Put your helmet on because I am going to smack you around a bit. Okay?

First, as you know, your wife has left all sanity behind right now. She is in the fog of an affair. Now, you have kids about the same ages mine were when it happened to me. Do you think your kids need TWO parents flopping around like fish on the deck of the ship?

Look, we understand the feelings that come with all of this. And unfortunately, no one ever gave us a marriage roadmap before we got married. So, many of the things you are doing are natural and expected. But guess what? You are the MAN of the house. Unfortunately, you dont get to do the EXPECTED.

Your family NEEDS you to be the sane person...the rock. Unmoving, unchanging. There is so much change going on right now. Your kids feel unsafe. And to be honest, they dont even trust you...as you flop around from wanting the marriage and talking about divorce. No one can feel safe in that environment...INCLUDING your wife!!!

When I said above that your FAMILY needs you to be the rock, that includes your wife! Look, you want to know who is the MOST scared right now? It is your wife. She has made a huge mess. As you said, everyone has turned against her, including her kids. She has backed herself into a corner, and she has no idea how to get out of it.

And here, the one person that actually does care about her...is her family...and you go from saying "I love you" one minute, and then talking about taking her kids and leaving her with nothing the next. I know she made these stupid decisions. I know she continues to do insane things. But you MUST ask yourself RIGHT NOW...do you love her? Do you want your marriage to continue?

If the answer is no, then call your lawyer and end this now.

If the answer is yes, then being the rock means you are going to have to steady your hand on the steering wheel of this ship.

No more talk of divorce. When she talks about it, say "I do marriage, my lawyer does divorce. If you want to talk about marriage and our family...I am right here. If you want to talk about divorce, call my attorney." Stop THREATENING! Sure, you should be getting your waterfowl coaxially aligned! But you do that in silence. You prepare yourself for what you HOPE wont happen. But EVERYTIME you tell her what you will do to her...it comes as a threat to her...and she moves further away from you.

I know she is hurting you. But you are hurting her. Now, will YOU be the sane one and stop this cycle of hurt? Love means NOT giving your wife what she DESERVES and instead giving her what she NEEDS!

I saw a few pages back you wanted to know how to know when to go to Plan B. First off, you need to do a stellar Plan A. Plan B will NEVER work without it. But, let me help you with this a little. When I was in my mess, I promised myself that I would do the following (and I did everyday): I woke up early every morning before the kids woke up. I walked into their rooms, sat beside their beds and looked at them. I spent about ten minutes with each of them. Then I went back to my room and asked myself...am I ready to end this? As long as the answer was NO, then I went on with that day and my plan.

When the answer is YES, well, then you call the lawyer...you go dark to her...and you leave it all in God's hands.

I could post a very long post here. But you have talked to Steve. The Harley's books and principles are here to read (or but and read). And on these threads are countless stories JUST LIKE YOURS. And many successes.

I dont know if you are a Christian or not, but if you are...you need to know that God has called you to love your wife like Jesus loves us. What kind of love is that? It is the kind that loves her even though she is actively hurting you. We were killing Jesus, yet He loved us. This is no different!

No matter how this all ends, your path is the same. You must earn your way out of the marriage. You must do everything you can to rescue your family. All of it! If your wife choses to stay in the burning building, you cannot force her to leave. But I can tell you...almost all women want to be rescued, whether they want to admit it our not.

So, come here and vent and lose it sometimes. But with your family...you MUST maintain control. Time to fully man up.

I filed the divorce papers. This was the hardest thing I've ever done. But by no means am I giving up. When I got home I couldn't speak and shut down for a while until I read what tranquildark posted/reposted. It was inspirational!

I sat down at the table and ate dinner and talked to my wife about how her day went. After the kids were in bed I explained that I had filed for divorce (I'm doing it pro se unless she hires an attorney). I gave her a copy of the papers and explained the next steps to her.

Then I told her that I am not speaking about the divorce again. I told her I loved her and even though we have the papers we are still married until it's final. I told her my only goal at this point is maintaining the integrity of our family. I explained that when she told me about PA1 it was her choice to end it not mine or the counselor's. It was her choice to start it back up and it was her choice to start this new one. I told her that I DEMAND she stop her current affair because these things are tearing our family apart. I told her she has the choice to make and that I know we can make this work if we both work together. I tried to explain how when she's in an affair she's not available and open to reconnecting with me and that is why the 2nd affair started. I told her I'm going to be strong for her and for our family. I told her there was a reason she listened to her first lover when he was "encouraging" her to work it out with me. We need to explore what that reason was.

I know that if she was truly done she would have filed for divorce herself long ago. There is a spark there somewhere I just have to dig it out.

Praying for strength.