I think a brief overview is needed...

DH and I have been married for 13.5 years. Approx 1 year ago, I found out that he had two affairs during our marriage. The first was a physical affair (no emotions - on his part at least) that lasted 7 years. The second was an emotional affair that turned physical in which he "thought" he loved the other woman that lasted approx 3 months before I found out. He told me about both when it all came out at work (they were both co-workers) at he was at risk of losing his job and Mistress #1 was planning to call me and expose everything.

I went through Plan A of Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair. I stuck to it very closely. My husband stopped both affairs. Woman #2 was fired and he did not communicate with her any more. Woman #1 continued to work there, but was fired (for other reasons) approx 9 months later. His communication was limited to work reasons- at work - only and he moved to another shift so he would not have to work directly with her. A few things in Plan A that I/we did not follow exactly...DH went to counseling only 2 x and then refused to go after that. This made it extremely hard for me to meet his needs during Plan A because he would not communicate with me about what needs were. But, I avoided angry outbursts, demands, and did not bring up the affairs. DH went on anti-depressants to get through depressive time. I stood by DH while he went through investigation and subsequent probation at work, which were consequences of his actions. We both accounted for time and money and spent leisure time together. Although, I recognize now that we did not spend the recommended 15 hrs/week.

Recently, I noticed changes in DH's willingness to spend leisure time with me and he suddenly did not want to account fo time - primarily he started to text increasinly high amounts to other people and would not be open with me about who. Even when we spent time together, we was constatnly texting other people. Saying "constantly" may sound like I am exaggerating, but last month, he send 7000 texts. That is 400/day. Subtract time for sleep and work, and that is constant. Upon investigation, I found that all texts were to one person, a woman that lives near the town where he is from.

When I questioned DH about this, he was honest about it. He states that he "does not know what to do", "doesn't want to hurt me", etc. He refuses to stop texting this woman. Upon re-reading Dr.H's Surviving and Affair, I find that this is textbook for when the Cheating Spouse reconnects with mistress, even if this is a different person. I therefore, have decided to move on to Plan B.

Here is where it gets murky.
- Does it make a difference that this is now a new person and not a reconnection with the previous mistress? Do I still proceed along to Plan B?
- I have asked him to leave. He has not. yet. I have 2 children. I do not feel it's appropriate for me and the children to move out. he delays because he hasn't saved up money for a place yet, he wants to make sure we have the bills caught up first, etc, etc, etc. I talked to the kids' school counselor about what would be easiest for them. She thinks it would be easiest for them if they had a couple days notice, to get used the the idea and ask questions, and then a couple days after he leaves to be with me at home on the weekend, and then back to school. By this timeline, he will be staying for approximately another week. How does this fit into Plan B?????

I appreciate any suggestions and support you can offer!!!

My friends and family support me and love me tremendously, but no one understands why I am willing to do Plan B after everything I've already done and been through. So this is where I've come for help and to bounce around ideas and questions...

With God's help,
Katy

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who did you expose to?

Who is this OW? What snooping do you have in place?

Are your finances protected? Have you been STD tested?

I would pack his bags and change the locks and give him his Plan B letter.

Do you have OM?
How to Plan B Correctly

Yes. You should be in Plan B ASAP. And I would expose his affair wide and far. Expose to the OW's family especially. Tell everyone about his affair.


I would ask him to leave as soon as this weekend. He will still be expected to pay the bills. That is his legal obligation. Pack his bags and ask him to leave. Every minute around him just tears you down emotionally and physically.


Your kids can still see your husband during visitations. I would tell them all about your husbands affairs and why you are asking him to leave. When you deliver the Plan B letter to him, you can include a visitation schedule. I would be sure an stipulate that your children are never exposed to his OW.

Were any of these OW married? If they were, it would be helpful if you contacted their husbands and made sure they know about the affair.

So sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

[/quote]Ph bo

I'm a little lost...



I don't know what this means. ???



The newest OW? He knew her brothers in school. He started talking to her on FB and then it progressed to texting. He says he has never met her face-to-face. I can't believe him one way or the other on this one. What snoooping do I have in place??? I don't know what you mean... ???

I was tested for STDs after the first two affairs. I plan to get tested again because I can not trust that he is being honest that he has not had any more physical contact with any OW. Finances...I have started. I am open to suggestions. This is why I am here. He is off credit card as off today. I know there is more to do and I am working on it. This is hard for me as I'm sure you all know. I'm committing to do at least 1 thing each day to take a step toward protecting myself and my children financially. I also saw a lawyer today.

Mixed feelings on this. I have started Plan B letter. I have given him a date that he has to be out by. I am tempted to box up his things. But at the same time, why should I have to pack up his things? He has decided to leave the marriage. Shouldn't HE have to pack up his things?


Other Man? Absolutely not. I have stood by my vows and I will through plan B. I will not date or talk to another man until the if/when this marriage is over. Although I've been pretty matter-of-fact here, I am still very much in love with him and very much heartbroken. When I found out about affairs 1 year ago, I was clueless. I thought we had a great one-of-a-kind marriage. I was very happy and committed to him and our family. I planned to be with him forever. Finding out that he'd been having affairs for over half our marriage completely rocked my world and shook my very foundation. It was like an alterred reality.

Then, I thought we got through it. I thought the worst was behind us. I am having to face the facts that the man I married and was/am in love with no longer exists.

I have done this. They ae not to be around any current, past, or future OW.

2/3 of them have been married. OW #1 is the one who blew the roof off everything. She contacted DH of OW #2. OW #3 ... I tried to call her and she did not answer the phone. I plan to text her a note as suggested in Dr H's book when I give DH Plan B Letter.

Did you expose the affair to everyone? Every one should know about his affairs. Please read the thread in my signature for the best ways to expose.


Do you have any keyloggers on his computer? Any spyware on his phone? I would go to her facebook account tonight and copy and paste her contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping.


I would get tested because he is not honest.


Good!

Mixed feelings on this. I have started Plan B letter. I have given him a date that he has to be out by. I am tempted to box up his things. But at the same time, why should I have to pack up his things? He has decided to leave the marriage. Shouldn't HE have to pack up his things? [/quote]

You should box his things so he will move out. You want him to move out ASAP.


Other Man? Absolutely not.[/quote]

I am sure she meant an "intermediary." Do you have an intermediary?

I would not contact any of these OW directly right now. I would contact all of their husbands and speak to them about the affairs. In the case of skanky #3, I would expose to her entire family via facebook before you send her the Plan B letter. Expose FIRST and get your husband moved out FIRST. THEN go into Plan B.

I'm sorry, I meant do you have an IM not OM. My sincerest apologies.

Read this on exposure. Exposure 101

Do your children know all about the affairs and that your husband is in an affair now?

Katy,
Mel and Brainy have been very nicely avoiding the key point. The reason WH felt free and able to have this THIRD affair, is because you never KILLED the first two. So all this talk about exposure/snooping etc, is what should have been completed YEARS ago.

We don't know what the future will surprise you with, but one thing that you must ensure that he deals with is the fallout from his recent infidelity.

I'm sorry you're here. The next few weeks will be rough.

I'm so overwhelmed. I'm having a hard time getting the gumption. I don't know why. I feel beat down. I don't know how much fight I have left. I can fight for myself and my kids - but I don't know how much more fight I have left for my marriage. I understand what you are saying. I just keep pushing myself to take baby steps when I feel like I can't do the big ones. This is so ridiculous. I'm not a timid, weak person. But I'm tired. I feel like I've gone through so much over the last year. I don't know how much more I can take.

To answer your questions...
I don't know name or contact info for Whore #3. (That's how I refer to them). All I have is a phone number.

You did not offend me with the mistype, I know there are all people coming from all backgrounds and struggles on this forum, so that's what I attributed the question to. But thank you for your apology. I do not have an IM - what is that???

My girls are 6 & 9. They do not know about his affairs. I'm sure they sense that something is up. They talked to my parents earlier last year about mommy and daddy fighting. I do not want them to know. I want to preserve their relationship with him. Despite all the crap between us, he is a very good dad.

I will box his things. Funny story...he mentioned tonight that he needs a bed when he moves out. I told him to take ours. He was shocked. I told him it is because it is the last item that was defiled by his whores. We/I got rid of the couch they did it on. We/I got rid of the truck they did it in. We now live in a new house. The bed is the only thing left. I don't want it. My parents are going to lend me my old bed from my old room. God bless my parents - I don't know where I would be without them!!!

So give him Plan B letter AFTER he moves out??? Or like with his stuff as he is leaving??? I may post on here so you guys can proofread and comment...

First off......not telling your children is not doing them a favor.
It isn't saving them heartache. It would explain and name the reason their parents are in conflict and why dad is heading out the door. Good dads actually do not cheat on the mom/family. Faux good dads might.

Second off......do not call your H's OW 'whores' that will put you in a poor light, not them. Just call them the 'other women', his 'partners in adultery', etc.

Third off.........while he is still talking with you, ask for joint money that you can put in an account in your name to make you feel safe. Tell him the mess in the marriage is making you feel vulnerable and you would like a security blanket of funds to reassure you.

Fourth off........have an intermediary to be your communication route for when you do implement plan B.

Then, once you have that, get him out of the house and then get the plan B letter to him.

I can understand why you have no more fight in you. We agree!!! This is more than enough for anyone.


I would get her information so you can expose to her family. Get it by putting a trace on her #, a keylogger on your H's computer or spyware on his phone. You really need to do this.

Exposing the affair will mean more support for you and more people to hold your husband accountable. It will also revent skanky #3 from becoming the new "girlfriend" after you throw him out. You don't want her to ease herself into your place in his family. Run that hoe off by making sure everyone knows about her.


Go read the thread on how to Plan B properly. That will answer all your questions.


They should know everything about his affairs. Lies and illusions about destructive parents do not make children happy or secure. It just teaches them to lie and causes them severe moral confusion. He is not a good dad. Sorry. Good dads don't destroy families because they are seeking a little fun.


Great!! Do they know all about his affairs?


Get him moved out and get your visitation and finances set up. THEN change the locks and go into Plan B.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

By not telling your kids the truth, you leave the door wide open for your husband to introduce his hoe to them. And they will be none the wiser. You want your DD's to be equipped wtih the full truth so they can defend themselves from your husband's corruption.

My OWN father was a serial cheater and he screwed my little mind up terribly by introducing me to his hoes. This seemed wrong to me but since no one validated my instincts, I concluded I was a stupid girl. My mother said nothing [to avoid being "judgemental"] and my dad was FREE to teach me that wrong was right. I grew up profoundly morally confused. I was able to learn right from wrong on my own when I was an adult.

Why is it ok for your husband to lie to your children, but not ok for you to tell them the truth?

I thought I did. He stopped all contact with them. Still has not had any contact with them. It was very exposed - all of his and my family (except our children) knew and everyone he worked with knew. All our friends knew.

Yes, I see.

I'm sure they will be. But knowing it helps in a way. I've just got to muster through.

"If you can�t fly then run, if you can�t run then walk, if you can�t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.� Martin Luther King, Jr. Today, I'm crawling, but I'm still moving forward.

Here are some radio clips on telling the children.

Radio Clip About the Effects on Children

Radio clip on Telling the Children
Segment #2

You guys bring up very valid points about what/how to tell the kids. I'm going to have to think and pray about this. I want to consider it very carefully!

Hello.
I wanted to let you know that I have 3 young children and I exposed my wife's affair to them. I only did this after researching this matter carefully and personally emailing Dr Harley.
His standard advice is to expose to children.

I don't know of any negative effects from telling them. My wife was furious. But t least the kids understood why their world was being turned upside down and hopefully it will be a learning lesson in their lives so they will hate adultery when they grow and marry.

I strongly encourage you to follow Dr Harley's advice and expose to your children

I want to address the statement you made about your husband being a good dad.

A good parent shows care towards their child and does not harm them.
Your husband is a selfish pig that cares about himself.he is NOT a good father.