So what plan are you in?

Good morning MB, I've been away for a while really trying to make this marriage work in everyway recommended.
Also been quite unwell for sometime now but coming out the other side finally, kinda took the wind out of my sails but I have had the rest I so needed.
Also had a very hurtful situation with someone I considered a friend which really felt like a punch in the gut , I dont think she had any idea what damage she did while I am feeling so vunerable but have taken positive lessons from all of this.
Meanwhile this is turning out to be a much tougher week than I anticipated as its the week my husband had his " holiday fling" hence infidelity no 2 a year ago. That also included no doubt a very romantic interlude and overnighter on Valentines Day.
We are clearly failing in many areas to recover and survive his 2 affairs right down to no time together since I got my confirmation of his sordid past in October.
I feel that he is prepared tp go a little way to making our marriage work but if it takes him out of his comfort zone not go that far.
He hasn't read more than 2 chapters of SAA, he hasn't even looked at the questionnaires, he hasn't constantly reassured me, he hasn't organized any healing time alone e.g a dinner date, flowers anything to make me feel better.
He got shirty when I mentioned our 10 year anniversary is coming up not that we have much to celebrate.
Im feeling very doubtful that he is truly committed , words yes, actions no. I know what your replies will be already I can hear the words in my head.
What do you do when an adulterer appears to think it will all just go away and by not going out with his mates drinking anymore that is another to prove all is better.
Well that's how it's feels.....

Im booked for that return flight home with my children in July for a holiday, it's Feb now time is ticking by to decide if its a permanent trip.
Im swinging one and then the next almost monthly....
Personally I think adulterers are right up there in a close 2 nd to murderers for the pain and ripple effect they cause.

Their is nothing more painful personally. This is the basis for DR Hs work, and why we are all here, to comfort and guide if we can.

Its worth the effort

I have been following your thread for a while. I can't remember the last time I heard someone sound as down and miserable as you sound.

1366, it's been 4 months since D-day. You have exposed, WH no longer has contact with the OWs, and you have tried (somewhat feebly) to implement the MB plan (filling out questionnaires etc).

But nothing has changed. Your husband is not in love with you, you seem to be lovebusting each other continually, and you are miserable, scared, hurt, and exhausted.

Brainhurts asked what your plan is, and that's a very good question. What is your plan? You said that you are thinking about leaving with the kids in July. It seems that this decision rests on whether your husband will magically "get" it in the meantime.

Do you actually think he's going to get it? He hasn't read Surviving An Affair, he continues to treat you coldly in between sporadic bouts of "looking after you", he has not done any of things you say that you need (reassurance, organising healing time alone, flowers, etc), he still seems to blame you for his affair rather than understanding what a crime he has committed against you, etc.

And I have to give you a gentle 2x4, 1366, you are not helping yourself either:
* You have not gotten help from Dr. Harley, although you were advised this early on when you started posting
* You also said that you have not exposed to your family out of concern for them - they have bad health and are struggling with another issue. By doing this, you have prevented them from helping you, showing you that you are loved. At a time like this, you need support from people who will stand with you.
* I have the feeling you are not taking antidepressants, although you did say you were thinking about it.

Sadly, while you are posting on the MB forum, no one really answers anymore, probably because they feel frustrated that you're not implementing the recovery plan.

I see you are floundering and drowning, 1366.

If you go on like this, you will get progressively weaker and more depressed. Your weepy behaviour(justified as it is) is only further reducing your attractiveness to your husband and draining both of your lovebanks.

I also think that a serious impediment to your recovery is your lifestyle. You and your husband are expatriates in the UAE. I grew up as the kid of expatriate parents (Africa, Asia in the 70s), it was an unstable lifestyle, people were constantly coming and going, friends disappeared constantly, everyone was having affairs, there were many wild parties, it was superficially fun and exciting ...

But there was no substance to it. There was also no real substance to life "back home" either because we ended up staying away so long that our relationships got watered down and couldn't stand the test of time.

The expatriate lifestyle is a well-known marriage-killer. My own parents didn't make it either.

A good example of this expatriate superficiality in your own life was the lack of response to your exposure from your friends and the wives of the friends who came to your new year's party. That hurt you, I know, and made you feel even more alone and alienated and depressed.

Your husband also seems to travel a lot, he does shift work, there seems to be lots of partying. It sounds like you and your husband are not getting enough undivided attention time. In your current situation, you need much more than 15 hours a week together alone - no kids, no friends, no TV, just you and your H enjoying each other.

So what is your plan, 1366?

If I were you, I would leave UAE right NOW and go back to my home with my kids - with or without H: I'd give him a week to decide. Probably, though, an easier solution that requires less brinkmanship (which you are too weak for now)is to call up Dr. Harley and get him to help you to implement a PROPER recovery plan.


I agree. So cruel.