Question to all of you that have met the OM/OW involved with your spouse.<P>Were you surprised by what they looked like?<P>My H as many of you have read on many postings, is very physically oriented and fitness consciuos. He told me about how his OW had such a wonderful figure and was just "Hot". I know, I know, how insensitive of him to tell me that.<P>Anyway, when I met his OW the first thing I thought was "She looks like Miss Piggy."<P>She was soft, you know the type that looks like she has never had her hands dirty, let alone broke a sweat. This went totally against his "Muscle and Fitness" Dream Woman mentallity.<P>That was 1 1/2 years ago.<P>The other day he saw her in the Plant where they work. He hadn't seen her for several months because she had been on "Mental Health Leave". I asked her what he thought when he saw her (yes, that was a dangerous question). He said "It looked like she had gained a little weight."<P>She had a little too much weight on her when they were having the affair, yet he didn't see it.<P>I know I should take this as a good sign that maybe his eyes are finally open, yet it really kind of hurt because one of the main issues I have had to deal with is that he couldn't love me past my figure. If carried too much weight then I was completely unattractive to him, yet he was able to see past it with her.

BoL:<P>I happened to know Petunia's OM <I>before</I> the affair happened. He was a co-worker of hers and he and his W were "friends" of ours. I <I>was</I> surprised that she had the affair with him because he is so not her type. Although he is tall and thin like I am, he's MUCH thinner. He is also a black man, and Petunia grew up in a VERY sheltered, lily-white community where "race-mixing" was not exactly a common thing. I guess the fact that she would have that kind of relationship with a black man surprised me because I had never really considered it being "in character" for her.<P>So, yes, I was surprised about what the OM looked like, but for a different reason. I guess in a way, it sort of speaks highly of one aspect of Petunia's character in that she saw OM as just a MAN, not as a black man. In a sense, it makes me proud that she's been able to resist some of the racist attitudes of those around her when she grew up. However, I sure as heck wish it hadn't been in THAT context that I discovered her racial tolerance. <P>Anyhoo, your question is very interesting. Thought I'd share MY experience, for what it's worth.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

OW is the same age as me, 39, is a brunette like me, I just lost 22 pounds and I am skinny now but just before the discovery I was "plump" and she has been a size 5/6 or 7/8 which turned my H on...my H likes me skinny and was always badgering me about my heaviness....I suppose she is attractive....but not that much.....I think I am prettier than she is.....she does not have common sense because she had eye liner permanently tattooed on her eyelids and to be honest she looks like cleopatra....as my daughter said "mom, what can anyone really think about a person who does that to her eyelids....what about when the cleopatra eyelid style goes out of style....you can't wash it off"........she has no common sense, anyone with integrity and common sense does not have an affair with a married man....anyway....he would say to me that the<BR>"customers" thought she was "beautiful" but he was the one that thought that....trust me<BR>she is not beautiful......its the allure of the secrecy that makes them attractive....no hum drum....

I met him and thought - 'him?, are you shi**ing me?!"<BR>fat, short, and shaves his head.<P>i'm 5'10", lift weights 5 days a week , and am employeed as an engineer.<BR>he's a nurses aide at a mental hospital- drives a beat up, 3-tone chevy corsica.<P>still dosen't stop me from wanting to kick his a**. I asked her and she said "looks ain't everything."<P>i thought to myself- "well, its a start."<P>sorry if i sound a little full of myself- but i couldn't beleive i got left for that.<P>oh yeah- hers the kicker- hes a "better" parent than me. i wonder if his wife and 3 kids would say the same.

This was one of my biggest hot spots. I am sorry to say that my pride got stepped on big time. The OW was not attractive in any way. She was overweight, as a matter of fact weighed 180 lbs on a 5 foot frame. I have always been thin and only recently have put on weight. The hardest thing though was that she is physically handicapped from a birth defect and walks with a limp. I know as a nurse that was never an issue for me until someone with a disability took my life away. Eeeeekkkk, I hate to admit this about myself but it really hurt to see physical beauty not being a draw. It would of been easier if she had been a knockout!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

The OM looked like a weasel. I have thought that since I met him, which was before my W and him started the affair. I did not like him then.<P>My W's friends think that I am much better looking, and I don't understand the attraction. When they say "looks aren't everything" it must be true.<P>He tells her all the things she wants to hear. I didn't. She said to me "he tells me how lucky he is to know me, that he has never known someone like me. He tells me how great he thinks I am, how beautiful he thinks I am. He tells me how special I am, and how much I mean to him. When I do something wrong at work, he tells me "No problem." He's not critical, like you were, or mean. He makes me feel special."<P>I used to tell my W those things. I get hurt, and upset. I want to shout "But, I couldn't tell you! You weren't here!" I want to say "He doesn't have two kids with you. He doesn't have the our pressures of meeting our bills! He doesn't have to say to you "Sorry Honey, we can't go to dinner or a movie because we can't afford it!" He doesn't ask you when you'll be home. He hasn't been taking care of two children after working all day, worrying about bills and then be alone, because you, my wife, are with HIM! It's easy for him to say all the right things all day!"<P>He is younger than I am (my W is 23, he's 24 and I'm 28) but not by much. I am better looking, bigger and I know I'm stronger. But he has my wife. It hurts. He sees her all day, and in my mind I see his weasally little face, saying and doing everything I want to with my W! <P>It's so unfair. So very unfair.

I was totally shocked too!! I expected some drop dead gorgeous bombshell! But it looked like a BOMB DROPPED ON HER INSTEAD!!!! I will give the credit of having a nice body, you know..thin waist, big breasts, big booty. But NO HAIR, (my H likes long hair), artificial nails (H loves my long REAL ones), she dresses homely (If I am walking along side my man, I will make sure that I look good, and he had better do the same for me)! And she couldn't hold a candle to my looks. But what is so sad about this, is that she gave him all the emotional stuff that he needed, I didn't/don't because it hasn't/isn't being giving to me. And now I am starting to understand why the affair happened and I am starting to stray!

When I first met PSBFH, my first thought was...<P>THIN! THIN! THIN! THIN!<P>My second thought was...<P><BR>T*ts! T*ts! T*ts! T*ts!<P>Yup. She's got both.<P>But she looks like a dyke.<P>So what does she have? She has one of those very strong personalities, very controlling, very flirtatious, loves being the center of attention, very dramatic, flirts with EVERYONE -- men, women, dogs, cats, children. But especially men, and especially the married ones.<P>Aside from the weight, she's no more attractive than I am. My skin is a lot better, and I'm 4 years older than she is, but I don't spend a lot of time in the sun.<P>I know that she lost a lot of weight on Dexatrim when she and H were working together, and I also noticed that she looked a bit chubbier the last time I saw her. I guess all that partying and drinking piles it back on.<P>Meow.

I really shouldn't but I'm feeling especially nasty tonight...<P>She's 20 years younger.<BR>Looks 13-15.<BR>No makeup at all.<BR>Had great long black hair, cut it recently.<BR>Shapeless.<BR>PUt on 25# recently. Now has hips, thighs, tummy, butt.<BR>a little taller.<BR>Trash mouth.<BR>Fights.<BR>Acts stupid (or is - I sure don't know)<BR>Sweet Childlike voice.<P>Her assets. That voice, extreme neediness, the illusion of innocence.<P>I'm a very self-conscious person, have been since h#1. But I got it ALL OVER this girl!<P>But, obviously, she had something I didn't....<P>Oh, well.<P>Lori

I already knew OW before H decided to have an affair with her and I know exactly what attracted him - she is a flirt. She batted her eyelids at him and spoke softly and he was hooked. My H does not like thin women and even now tells me not to lose any more weight (I am a size 6) whereas she is literally skin and bone! No boobs, whereas I was blessed with ample. So, no I don't know what he is attracted to. Everyone I know can't believe he is attracted to her over me. I guess it is her intellectual brain (yeah, so bright she has an affair with a married man!) Sorry, I am not feeling nice towards her today. She has bad skin but is petite and vulnerable looking, I guess that is what he wants!

In the back of my mind I alwasy pictured my w with a doctor. I wasn't close, he's a respiratory therapist so I make more money than him.<P>I found out that he drove a older model firebird, so the day I confronted them at the motel, I was expecting a young guy with straight, black hair in a ponytail.<P>Imagine my suprise when an old(er) he's 47, w is 41, I'm 44, dumpy, graying scraggly bearded guy opened the door.<P>I later saw him scuffling across the parking lot of our local shopping mall,( yes I thought about running him down) I couldn't believe my w was living with this guy.<P>She told me he was such a conversationalist, that they could talk about anything. He may or may not have had some money as he gave my w $2000 in cash and that really helped his cause. HE also told her he ws going to inherit a considerable amount of money in the near future. Never did find out if that was true. She has since called him a liar so I don't know and I don't think she does either.<P>

My husbands mistress was a total ego buster for me. I've always had a low self-esteem, even though everyone has always told me I was pretty.<P>I'm 5ft.10in tall and weighh 155lbs. I am only a size 10. I have shoulder length brown, curly hair. I have always taken pride in my apperance. I try to look feminine and make the most of what I have.<P>The woman he had an affair with looks like a total dike. She has short brown hair, wears no makeup, and drives a pickup. I think the main reason he was with her is because she is a paid firefighter, which is the job he's been trying to get for 5 years.<P>Everyone who knows her says she is a little freaky, which I'm sure helped convince him to have the affair. He of course said, "If I didn't find her attractive, I would not have slept with her." I thought, "great, I must really look bad if you think that is attractive!!"

I've known the OP for a long time. We were friends up until 18 months ago!!! The only thing that surprised me about him is that she went for him. He's not good looking, is a smoker (neither of us smoke), has a paunch, never exercises, and has a tatoo of a snake around his left arm. I mean, this guy is nasty lookin'. I don't think his own mother is attracted to him. He also has a bad habit of whistling out of tune tunes when he is nervous. Bet he's doing a lot of that these days. No accounting for people's taste.

I knew the OW before the affair began. We all work together.<P>She is thinner than I am, and of course, that's the thing I'm the most self-conscious about. I'm about a size 14-16 and working on it. But I'm a blond and she's a brunette, and my H prefers blonds. She has long hair, I have short hair. I know my H prefers long hair.<P>He was attracted to her because I got distracted. I went through huge problems with my family and got majorly depressed and he felt like he wasn't part of my life. Add to that the fact that he's basically a nice guy, and she's very needy and insecure about men. He tried to be kind to her, she moved in for the kill, and he went for it.<P>He didn't have the affair because she is prettier than me. He had it because I wasn't meeting his emotional needs, and instead of TELLING me about it, he bolted.<P>But he's back now, and we're doing very well. I always try to look good at work, I'm trying to lose weight, and I'm growing my hair out. These are things I want to do anyway, but I also know that my H appreciates it. He's very handsome.

The ow looks like a S**t no really I thought this the first time I met her before I knew. Always madeup alittle too much, clothes too tight. I think she started out skinner then I was but she has gained weight and I have lost plenty. Nothing to look at(his words) She is the girl in high school you knew slept around and came from the wrong side of town. And very dumb He even made comments about her lack of vocabulary. But she is exciting, she know all the tricks, and I mean tricks. She knows how to please a man everyway possible and then some. And that excited him. Wouldn't that get a little boring if that is all you can do? Any answers guys?<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Interesting post <P>ALthough I had talked to her on the phone before the affair ( they work(ed) together ) I had never seen her.<P>When I did... we'l let's say I decided to reserve my judgement on the grounds that maybe it was what was happening that was making me see her that way.<BR>However a few days later mY H's cousin saw her and this is his comment to his mom: "Is he crazy???? She has no breasths, no a$$... has a face that makes her look like permanently drunk, and wears so much make up that she can keep the cosmetic companies out of the red for years! Completely the opposite of what he always looked for in a woman"<BR>SO maybe my first impression was not the far off after all, although even I didn't go as far as his cousin went. Yes, she was very skinny and short, I know my H since we were both 14 and he never dated anyone that skinny. Yes she had a funny look, maybe because of too much make up (that in my opinion needed to be softned ). She does have nice hair ( I'm paying myself a complimment I guess because it's mostly like mine both by being curly, the lenght, and the color - which in her case it's just a brighter shade of reddish brown - ) .<BR>Another thing that puzzled me was the way she dressed, in quite an old fashioned way - not classic or conservative or practical just always looking outdated - . When we were younger, we used to look at some married ladies and classify that style as "Uncoordinated Married grandmother style " and vowed never to dress like that.Well she does. And although he never seemed to like it - he has a good eye for styles and colors gives me great ideas and I usually try to get his impression on something before I buy it, and is quite open when I get something that is not that "perfect", he never seemed to notice that in her. Go figure! <BR>I think most of us are shocked when we see the op, but we do have to rememeber that they don't have to be attracted only by their looks. Poor judgement and failing to listen to her values aside, I must say that she was a nice person at least superficially. her conversation was interesting , her interests normal, and she can turn on the charm. She likes to flatter people ( and it seems he needed some flatery in his life then - with so many things going on at the same time, I admit I might have failed on that one for a while ) .<P>Having said all that, and having a long post ( as usual ) I want to add that no matter how she is or looks, we should not concentrate on the op if we want to rebuild. Making comparisons, thinking about them, imagining them together... those things will only get us upset and won't help us to concentrate on our goal.<BR>So although it is normal to think about the op, do no spend more time thinking about her/him than the time you are using to work on the marriage and to keep focused <P>Take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

I know everyone knows this already, but guys, it ain't about looks! 9 times out of 10, the OP is <B>not</B> any more attractive than the spouse .................. but the issue is how the OP made our spouses <I>feel</I>. The OW cannot hold a candle to me physically or intellectually, but <I>she</I> fed my H's ego and made <I>him</I> feel more attractive. That was <I> the secret</I> to his attraction to her.

Everything I have read says it isn't about looks, but my H said in the beginning it was and throughout our "semi-rebuilding" that it is.<P>He even says that he finds me attractive now because I am doing more to myself, not because I am doing more for him. The main thing I did was have extensive platic surgery.<P>She did pump his ego. She praised him for working out which was a point of conflict with us because he would take time to work out after his 12 hour shifts and leave me and the children to fend for ourselves. He would refuse to do something with me because he was tired and needed to take a nap, only to jump up out of bed and run out the door the minute his workout buddy called.<P>He would also compare his results (physique) to his dedication to working out with my results (poochy pregnancy tummy) to my lack of dedication.<P>I find it even harder now to accept his working out, because his "obsession" with working out played such a large role in his affair.

Eeee Gad.... Before the s#&t hit the fan, someone they work with said "Gee, you two could be twins!" <BR>We have (had ) the same hair color, her's is styled like I used to wear mine... longish and curly. I'm a few inches taller, and a little bustier, but we basically have very similar build. (I am(was) a little heavier, but I'm working on that). We even have very similar personality traits - sence of humor, etc. I think we could have been really good friends given the chance. But because she and H got so close, and I was excluded.....<P>What is really scary is H's 1st W fit's the same discription physically. I've never met her, but the first time I saw a picture of her, I was stunned at how much we looked alike. <P>H says things like "I can talk to her about anything", "We have similar interests", etc. Well, he used to talk to me about anything, and we have similar interests too.<P>Her main advantage was the amount of time she was around him.... they work together, and know the same people (from work). Our schedules were/are very different, and I hardly ever saw my H because of this, and she saw/sees him all the time.<P><BR>***Big Sigh***<BR>B<BR><P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

Hi <P>OM is BUTT UGLY...<BR>Wife is 28 : I am 29 : OM is 38 <P>I am 5'11" Dark Hair Blue eyes 175lbs very firm body. Great sense of humor, caring, strong character.<P>OM is 5'9" grey balding hair, blood shot eyes, 235lbs FAT and SMELLY, good sense of humor (need it with those looks), needy and weak character.<P>My total shock of how my Wife "kissed" this ogre rings true of affairs are not just about looks, it's about feelings.<P>I am still rinsing my mouth out with gasoline... LOL