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It does, but I am determined to find a way to make contrast effect work even here in dear old refrained Blighty. I am not sure how I will get on yet, but I will keep you all posted.

I obviously cannot exlude contrast effect while dating artist man. That would make the relationship almost as serious as marriage and is unworkable.

Artist man seems to understand this too and the conversation we had last night went along the lines of he understands someone else coworkers/friends/acquaintances could 'snap me up' at a minute's notice if he messes up at all. I told him that goes both ways and to take a freeloader's approach to me (in layman's terms of course).

Last edited by indiegirl; 01/25/13 10:15 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by kerala
JMO but it seems that a big part of your decision to (temporarily) derail the 30 date thing is that he simply didn't want you to. I believe you said was he pretty unhappy with the idea.


Yes he was and I did take it into account. Just as I would anyone's discomfort. It was half that, half being a bit fed up with the dating attitude I kept encountering. It was also curiosity to see where a few more dates with artist man would lead.

I smell bullsh*t.
You were on a 30 date plan, had a couple of duds & out of the blue comes a 'lover'... You allow him to meet some of your needs & boing: next post you are exclusive...

I am not buying it. smirk

I smell rebound or adventure :-)

Last edited by geroldmodel; 01/25/13 02:39 PM.
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Thank you for your input


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by geroldmodel
I smell bullsh*t.
You were on a 30 date plan, had a couple of duds & out of the blue comes a 'lover'... You allow him to meet some of your needs & boing: next post you are exclusive...

I am not buying it. smirk

I smell rebound or adventure :-)


I had to add my two cents in here even though I don't post too often. Indigirl asked for opinions and two by fours but I think the above comment and a few others have crossed that line into being flat out disrespectful. We're all on the same side on this board, trying to help out those who are trying to navigate the dating world. We all deserve respect. I think that's something that is sometimes lost when we're trying to get our opinion across.

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Originally Posted by tccoastguard
Originally Posted by geroldmodel
I smell bullsh*t.
You were on a 30 date plan, had a couple of duds & out of the blue comes a 'lover'... You allow him to meet some of your needs & boing: next post you are exclusive...

I am not buying it. smirk

I smell rebound or adventure :-)


I had to add my two cents in here even though I don't post too often. Indigirl asked for opinions and two by fours but I think the above comment and a few others have crossed that line into being flat out disrespectful. We're all on the same side on this board, trying to help out those who are trying to navigate the dating world. We all deserve respect. I think that's something that is sometimes lost when we're trying to get our opinion across.

Travis

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Keep posting, Indie. This 50 year old BS is learning from you. I need to be prepared when I get out there. And as for the 30 date goal -- you already weeded out the bad ones via on-line screening. In the old days, you didn't have that advantage. So if you find Mr. Right after 5 or 10 or 2, then go for it. MB has given us great tools to evaluate potential mates. And as BS's, we have all learned that we HAVE to dig deep. We have to look for red flags. We have to be on guard. We cannot go down that path again.

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Thank you everybody.

I do think contrast effect remains important and there's going to be an acquaintance out tonight who I have been softly flirting with since I first began to anticipate the start of the 30 date challenge. There's not a vast deal we have in common etc, but if I can get talking to him tonight it's contrast effect and flirting practice at the very least.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Holyheart
And as BS's, we have all learned that we HAVE to dig deep. We have to look for red flags. We have to be on guard. We cannot go down that path again.


Abso-freakin-lutely


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Holyheart
Keep posting, Indie. This 50 year old BS is learning from you. I need to be prepared when I get out there. And as for the 30 date goal -- you already weeded out the bad ones via on-line screening. In the old days, you didn't have that advantage. So if you find Mr. Right after 5 or 10 or 2, then go for it. MB has given us great tools to evaluate potential mates. And as BS's, we have all learned that we HAVE to dig deep. We have to look for red flags. We have to be on guard. We cannot go down that path again.

Not all betrayed spouses have learned that. Many posters on here have been here before with previous marriages.
I don't understand online screening. How can you filter people online? There are many fine men that don't use Internet dating.

In the end, MB tools are great. But we can't control another persons behavior. We can only control ours

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Originally Posted by Holyheart
Keep posting, Indie. This 50 year old BS is learning from you. I need to be prepared when I get out there. And as for the 30 date goal -- you already weeded out the bad ones via on-line screening. In the old days, you didn't have that advantage. So if you find Mr. Right after 5 or 10 or 2, then go for it.

HH, keep in mind that Dr Harley said this very recently so he is well aware of on-line screening. He has taken into consideration that potential candidates will be screened before the date. In fact, he once had a dating service that used to do most of the screening before the first date...and he STILL advocates 30 dates to find the one who does the best job of meeting your needs. I think it is great advice!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hey guys, do you get the feeling that Dr. H just wants everybody to slow down on the "Permanent mate selection" and that is why he said 30 Dates for contrast effect?

Lets see, good rules for dating

Get to know the person in different circumstances

Don't let sex become the driving force in your connection.

Hold off on sexual activity until you are married..IE..See first two rules

So if you spend a lot of free time in a non-pressure way just getting to know 30 people very well as friends, and not necessarily "The One".. you might be able to pick out one who is a good friend and maybe two or three to pick from as real good friend possibility..


It would seem good to me for this contrast process with 30 different dates to last about 6 mos. and with the refining process probably a year..

Do you think you could remain celibate that long girls? Then you have the marriage to plan out too of course.

Oh I know that there are those that have their head screwed on straight and just know, and if they can be found anywhere its on this site. Both men and women.

Just thought the sex thing and the rules about that should be clearly thought out and stated..just seems a little foggy

It goes double for the guys


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Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted by Holyheart
And as for the 30 date goal -- you already weeded out the bad ones via on-line screening.

I don't put much stock in online screening. Most of the people I know (even the guys I met thru online dating) all had "horror stories" of meeting up with people who either looked nothing like their online picture or were nothing like they protrayed in their ad.

Here's some examples of things I found out with the guys I was supposed to go out with -- one turned out to be on a sex site, adultdatinghall.com or something. Another, I found his FB page, he had a girlfriend -- the relationship was posted on his wall. Another, I found out that he was not yet divorced, they were in the middle of divorce proceedings. Another guy I actually went out with and seemed like a great guy, had lied about his age...I guess a common thing with online dating but still, the dishonesty, a red flag.

I can't emphasize enough to be careful and take it slow with these online folks and to research them if possible (FB, court records). You really know NOTHING about them!


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by Holyheart
And as for the 30 date goal -- you already weeded out the bad ones via on-line screening.

I don't put much stock in online screening. Most of the people I know (even the guys I met thru online dating) all had "horror stories" of meeting up with people who either looked nothing like their online picture or were nothing like they protrayed in their ad.

Here's some examples of things I found out with the guys I was supposed to go out with -- one turned out to be on a sex site, adultdatinghall.com or something. Another, I found his FB page, he had a girlfriend -- the relationship was posted on his wall. Another, I found out that he was not yet divorced, they were in the middle of divorce proceedings. Another guy I actually went out with and seemed like a great guy, had lied about his age...I guess a common thing with online dating but still, the dishonesty, a red flag.

I can't emphasize enough to be careful and take it slow with these online folks and to research them if possible (FB, court records). You really know NOTHING about them!

Ditto, Plus its like the old adage, you don't know how people are till you live,(spend time), with them.

So making a coffee connection in a public place and bringing along a friend for objectiveness should be the icebreaker of course IMO. And like it has been said so many times on this site you should BOTH, be like inspectors and full of questions, and be ready with answers. Common sense stuff..

Then the dates..should be like you are still testing the ground to see if it is sound to walk on..this should take some time too..but whats the hurry? Dating is/should be fun and relaxed anyway.

Lots of guys are out there with just one thing in mind, and unknowingly the drive to procreate the species is very "Strong in this one!"
Back in the 70s we called it,"Thinking with the wrong head"..Its funny how that works..

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Hi Indie, wondering if you decided to meet the parents this weekend or not. Also waiting to hear if you had another date this weekend.


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No I didn't meet his mother, decided it was the wrong time. I appreciated the offer/transparency though.

The contrast effect person I had in mind though didn't show up on Saturday night. I had lots of OS friend conversations that would have been terrible boundaries had I been married. They all felt very platonic though, not flirtly at all. Spent the rest of the weekend with my girlfriends.

I had a date with artist man last night he was showing me how to take pictures with his fancy camera equipment because I want some beach images for my beach-themed spare room. Practicing on some everyday objects made me realise how difficult it is. The idea is we're going to go to the coast, Blackpool, on a good day, possibly my birthday and take some good shots that will do the trick.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
No I didn't meet his mother, decided it was the wrong time. I appreciated the offer/transparency though.

The contrast effect person I had in mind though didn't show up on Saturday night. I had lots of OS friend conversations that would have been terrible boundaries had I been married. They all felt very platonic though, not flirtly at all. Spent the rest of the weekend with my girlfriends.

I had a date with artist man last night he was showing me how to take pictures with his fancy camera equipment because I want some beach images for my beach-themed spare room. Practicing on some everyday objects made me realise how difficult it is. The idea is we're going to go to the coast, Blackpool, on a good day, possibly my birthday and take some good shots that will do the trick.

That sounds like a fun time Indie...I love the beach.

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Maybe he will ask you to marry him at the beach

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Do you have "speed dating" in jolly olde? Good way to get up to 30 really quickly!!


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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Maybe he will ask you to marry him at the beach


He strikes me as somewhat cleverer than that. Could be wrong of course.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I'm listening to the Internet broadcast now and Dr Harley addressed dating on today's radio show.
He said, If you meet 5 dates and find a suitable mate there is no need to date another 25

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