I have been lurking here for some time, however have not posted until now.�

A synopsis of my story. We are 15m post D-day and 1 year post the affair ending (to the best of my knowledge). Affair started bc of needs not being met on my part due to various reasons (too much focus on kids, low self-esteem, me feeling detached bc FWH was also not meeting my needs) all of which are not an excuse for not meeting his needs. Affair was 4m (1m before Dday and 3m underground after dday). We did MC for several months and ic for me for a year. Counseling helped keep me from committing suicide when I was severely depressed, but didn't do much for our marriage. I suffered (and still do when I am experiencing high levels of stress) tremors, depression, nightmares, etc. I stopped ic when I felt like I was spinning my wheels and not necessarily healing. I found MB about 6 months ago and having read lots of blogs, articles and books on how to heal after an affair, I keep coming back to MB because it makes sense.

FWH has made huge efforts to improve our marriage since ending the affair and coming out of the fog. Could things have gone smoother in our recovery? Of course. There has been trickle truth, some blame shifting early on and some needs still not being met bc we are still learning about how to meet each others needs, but I feel fortunate that he is willing to go through the hell of recovery and continues to try more and more as we both become better at communicating.

His family knows and a couple of my dear friends know and his one friend knows...that's it. None of our mutual friends of OW know, bc I have no desire to hurt him by telling others, (although I admit that it would feel good to have everyone know the kind of person OW truly is, an ugly admission but true nevertheless). He told me that I could tell anyone I feel I need to, but I do not want the added stress of my family knowing either, although I suspect that they do. The OW is divorced so no other spouse to tell.

We own our own business so there is no way we can relocate. OW is over an hour away. I do not believe that there has been any contact because we literally spend 24/7 together because we work together.�

I am posting today because I am feeling very lost in how to handle some of my feelings. Because we are in the same business as the OW there are going to be occasions where we may be at the same place due to work. So far we have done our best to avoid running into her, but it is only a matter of time. I have tried to be proactive in seeing if she is going to be at a function through her business fb page, but that is also upsetting bc it is a constant reminder to me when i look at the page of the betrayal and lies. I have a great amount of anxiety regarding this. I feel like I am having trouble letting go of the past because of the possibility of running into her. Even though he understands my fears, he is less concerned about running into her because to him the A was the biggest mistake of his life and seeing her wouldn't change that in his mind. He said that he will do whatever makes me feel safe, but I don't know how to get past this. I would like to go to these functions, but The thought of seeing her to me makes me physically ill and in tears. �In my head, I know he chose me, but my heart is still so broken. How do I get past this? Changing our business would devastate us financially and is just not an option. I just wish she would move to Alaska so that I could not have this worry.�

I would appreciate anyone's advice on how to handle this situation.

FaithnHope
Me: BW
Him: FWH EA/PA 4months
3 DS
Dday 10/2011
NC 1/2012
I keep hearing my father's voice in my head saying, "You can control your emotions, or you can let them control you. It's your choice." It is just easier said than done...

Hi Faithnhope, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

You ask how you get past this and the answer to take extraordinary precautions to never ever see the OW again. Unfortunately, you have post traumatic stress disorder from the sounds of it. So if you want to avoid those feelings, you will avoid seeing the OW no matter what. She should be out of your life forever even if you have to move.

I am deeply ALARMED that you say you are not concerned about your husband seeing her because that tells me you don't understand his feelings for her. His feelings will be triggered for her if he sees her. The affair will likely resume if he sees her again. I don't care what your husband tells you, I know waywards better than you and I am not even guessing.

Your husband is addicted to the OW and it will take just one sighting to trigger his feelings. It is the same as an alcoholic taking just one drink. One drink leads to 20 more.

So the answer is to arrange your life in a way that cuts her out completely.

And I would strongly suggest that you tell everyone about the affair, your kids, friends, and family. Hiding this secret hurts your husband. The more people who know, the more people to hold him and the OW accountable and the more people to give your marriage support. And just think, as long as your circle of friends don't know, the OW and your H are free to pursue affairs in that circle. But if everyone knows, they can watch and hold them accountable. The can also protect their own marriages from this pair.

You help NO ONE by hiding this affair. NO ONE. Sure, your husband might be a little embarrassed, but that is a good thing, not a bad thing. He should be embarrassed.

And lastly, I can tell that you are suffering quite a bit and are not really in recovery - I see 2 reasons for this: 1. your close proximity to the OW and b) you have not developed a romantic relationship with your husband. If you don't create a romantic, passionate marriage to replace the pre-affair marriage, then resentment grows and festers every year.


You can't control your reactions, though. You won't ever be successful at that unless you want to drink massive amounts of alcohol.

And lastly, there are so many screen names called "faithnXXX' on this forum that folks will never be able to keep you straight. You might want to change it to something more unique.

[quote=Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriaage Builders]We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

The biggest problem in most marriages is not "communication," but that the couple has fallen out of love. People who are in love don't have a problem with communication. People with the best communication skills still get divorced. People who are in love NEVER get divorced.

That is how Marriage Builders is dramatically different from traditional counseling and marriage programs. It focuses entirely on creating romantic love in marriage. THAT is how one recovers from an affair. Without that, resentment lingers and grows with each passing year.

But those who use this program and fall in love, forget about the trauma of the past because when the present is happy, one doesn't think about the past.

Depends on what you mean by "handle."

You say he said he'll do whatever it takes to make you feel safe; but then you seem to indicate that changes to the job description aren't included in the definition of "whatever it takes."

You seem to be asking, "How can I have a good marital recovery while constantly being triggered by looking up my husband's OW on her business FB page?" That's kind of like asking "How can I take a shower without getting wet?" Sure, there are ways you could do it -- you could wear a diver's wetsuit, for instance -- but you wouldn't get very clean. It'd be pretty marginal from a personal-hygiene standpoint.

So, basically, you're asking how to have a marginal marital recovery. Rather than a complete one.

Well, MB doesn't really aim at marginal recoveries. Of course, there are things you could do at the margins: Your H could take a lower-profile role in the business and have you be more of the "front-person," so that there'd be little or no likelihood of him encountering the OW (or is that also not in his definition of "whatever it takes"?); but either way, that'd still leave you out there, unprotected from what you seem to have determined is a pretty high probability of future contact. (It's really hard for anyone to offer more specific advice, even aimed at your marginal goal, without knowing what type of business).

His attitude toward the probability of his own possible contact with her seems pretty complacent. He thinks he's more cognizant of affairs & emotional needs and that his eyes are opened to her, and so he thinks he could handle it better than before. But that's leaving a lot to chance, and he sounds too willing to take the chance that he's wrong -- sort of like someone planning to deal with an oncoming, speeding car by becoming a better chicken-player, rather than having the better sense to just get out of the road & out of the car's path. Besides, in focusing on his possible reaction to possible contact, he completely dismisses the point regarding how this prospect bothers you, and how that hinders the recovery of your marriage, and makes it marginal.

No-contact is just so fundamental to a BS's peace of mind; and deep-down, I think you realize this. That's your self-preservation instinct kicking in. In asking for advice on how to accept & handle a high likelihood of renewed contact, you're asking, essentially, how you can suppress that instinct. I'm not sure that's even wise. I'm not really sure what else to tell you.

Thank you everyone for replying. FWH and I have worked hard on restoring love and that is one area that I think we have excelled. We are more passionate and in love now than in any other point in our marriage. It is sad that it took the A for us to really work on the marriage, but at least we are dedicate to making a better marriage. Our old marriage is dead and neither of us want to go back to where we were.

So in short, NC is NC. So I will have to do everything in my power to never have us cross paths, period. And no more checking her fb page to see if she will be there. If we do happen to show up to the same event, we will leave immediately. Currently, we are only attending events that are out of state to minimize this possibility and so far it has worked. I think that this is what we should continue to do to ensure NC. Aside from these events, there is no other time that we could cross paths bc our mutual friends are not close with her.

FWH does not push me in anyway to go to these events. He is truly concerned about my well being and is willing to never go to these events if it gives me peace of mind. The problem is that I want to go to these events (which happen 1-2x a year) and bc of the A, I am now feeling like I am the one in exile and the OW can go wherever she wants unscathed. Stupid, I know.

I will think about reaching out to others for more of a support system. I just don't know who yet. Fortunately FWH and I spend all of our time, work, parenting, etc. together, so I never have to worry that they are together any more. This was not the case at all prior to the A, so we have made big changes in our lives to make each other a priority.

Thank you again for the advice. I appreciate the support.

FaithnHope

Faith, it sounds like you are doing all the right things! I think you will feel much better if you make a decision to cross the OW out of your life forever. It is amazing what a difference it makes. I know it made a dramatic difference in my life when I made a decision to never communicate with my X-husband, who left me for an OW. [last marriage] I thought I would "get over it," but by staying in infrequent contact, I just kept myself perpetually angry. I didn't understand that I can't control my emotional reactions and it is better to just stay away. Once I decided to shut that door forever, my anger dissipated and I no longer think about them at all.

Please pick up the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley if you don't already have it. In my opinion, it is the best book for recovery out there.