Hey its Jeff its been a little while since I have been on here. My marriage is being held together with a piece of string and its ready to break for good. Our story is, we have been married 10 years in our early 30's now and over the past 3 years there has been alot infidelity. I my self became unhappy and started cheating on my wife, there was multiple women, it was like the spark was gone and we were living 2 different lifes she did her thing and i did mine..

Well i found out my wife was having affairs too just about 4 months ago and she was in a relationship with this OM for 6 months.. i was crushed, as she was a virgin when i met her.. yes i know i was a piece of crap too but i never would have thought she was the same as me.. She had no idea i was cheating on her and the only reason I found out was because OM girlfriend found their texts, pics, and emails. she contacted me and I confronted my wife, anyway she addmited to it but had been lying to me for months as I would always ask her if she was cheating and she would say "no honey why would you think that"? and sometimes get defensive or make me feel bad for asking but she was indeed lying and cheating too, there were multiple men.

Its hard because I never had an actual relationship with any of these women it was strictly ONS for a physical release.. Apparently his GF had found out before of a prior time that him and my wife were sexually involved and his GF forgave him but he was to never contact my wife again, his GF never contacted me the first time.. My wife and OM started contacting each other and hooking up again and his GF found out the second time and then decided it was time to contact me and thats where this nightmare was exposed.. Our relationship towards the end actually wasnt too bad I had stopped cheating and became in love with her even more, maybe because she stopped showing me emotional needs that she had always done before, i became concerned, it was weird. Her other affairs which were all ONS actaully started about a year and a half ago so she says.. But she did have the actual relationship for 6 months with OM from April to the end of Sept.. there were texts between them saying "i love you" back in forth to each other it was crushing to read that.. But she said she would say "luv ya" back just to make him happy but she said she really didnt love him like that..

Anyway after I found out I forgave her and i made sure she sent OM a no contact text to never contact him again, and he told his GF that he would never contact my wife again.. We started working on our marriage for about a month and one night i asked how she was doing and she was crying and said she kind of still wants to feel whats its like to be on her own, and not have to answer to anybody and be able to come and go as she pleases.. That was hurtful to hear. But then things started getting better beween us again and i felt like i had my wife back, but i felt extremley guity and i had to tell her about my affairs if I was going to live a new honest marriage, so i actually told her about all my affairs and she was upset but not that upset she said she forgave me but she was more upset that i waited to tell her and that i kind of played the hurt puppy role, then we had sex like nothing happened that same night..

The next day while at work she decided she was going to move in with her mom and be on her own like she wanted so she did and she stayed there for a month but we would see eachother and date like 3 times a week then she moved back in with me before xmas for about 3 weeks.. Our families and friends know about all our affairs and support us for what ever we want to do.. We started working on things again and just 2 weeks ago we got in an argument about me checking her cell phone i found a bunch of recent pics of her on her phone that she had taken herself, they were of her posing with pretty facial pics like if she was going to send them to somebody. she said she took a bunch of pics to pick the best one and post it as her profile picture on Facebook and that she was not sending them to anybody but she grabbed the phone out of my hand and started getting defensive and she said "i cant do this anymore im leaving" and the next morning i helped her pack all her things and actually drove all her stuff to her cousins house and unloaded it for her, i left little notes inside the bags of clothes.

I have repeadly ask her is she is still seeing OM or some other OM and she says "NO if i was then i would just go down in file".. (I could sit here all day and type every little detail that has happened but I would be here all day).. She is living with her cousin now who just divorced her husband on xmas eve and is already dating someone new, my wifes friends cheat on there husbands too and she is in contact with her friends through text like all day long.. My wifes sisters wont talk to me now, it is a VERY feminine driven family and her friends are all about girl power and this and that, so i know the advice they are giving her is working against me, its like she has told everyone its over and shes no happy so they are probably telling her "dont contact him".. My wife wont ever call me or text me but she will reply to my texts and answer my calls. We actually went out to dinner the other night and a movie, it was the first time i seen her in 2 weeks, im very confused. It was something I set up and it was kind of awkward that night but not too bad, she fell asleep on my shoulder in the movie..

I spoke with her tonight on the phone and was trying to get in her head about how she is feeling and if she is torn between OM and me and she said "NO there is NO OM" but she said she is torn between wanting to stay married or not and that she likes being on her own for the first time.. I told her how i was feeling today which was depresed, upset, disappointed and sexualy frustrated.. She asked me if i wanted her to come over for some quick sex, and i said umm yes... it was very emotionless sex.... kind of like it was just to keep me satified so i dont go out and cheat while i wait for her, but i just wanted her to come over and hang out, the sex was a bonus...

To tell you the truth i dont even know what is going on here, i cant tell if there is a OM still or if all this infidelity has just made it hard for her to look at me the same. And if she is taking this time away to actually figure out what she wants.. i have been snooping but have not found any other dirt, but there was some guy that came to our house at like 2 am that apparently tried to break in when my wife was home and it happened like 2 days before she moved out, I was on my way home but about 45 minutes away.. he was pounding on the door and reving his engine and kicked over the planter on the porch,like he was mad for some reason.. she called the cops and was scared for her life, she swears she didnt know him and it was just some random person trying to see if someone was home or not so he could break in.. my wife didnt call me but she called my neighbor cause they were close and my neighbor seen him from a distance and said it looked like he knew us.. even after the neighbor yelled at him that the cops were coming he still went back to the door and started pounding again.. he was also reving his motor and flashing his lights, seems really fishy to me.. I checked her texts and phone bill around that time of night and i did not find and messages or texts around that time... wierd.. Unless she has another secret cell phone or another form of contact.

I have all her passwords for email and facebook, and she knows that, there is always away around it if you are going to cheat.. She did mention today that if i needed to go down and file for legal seperation that i could since i was so frustrated, i dont understand that comment.. There is just so much crap that has happened i dont know how to approach this..

She still tells me she loves me and we are supposed to get dinner again on monday.. Like I said i dont know if I should approach this as if she is still haiving an affair, or try to win her back back giving her time as if she really is just confused about whether to stay married or not.. If it is an affair then i got to use plan A in SAA and also plan B.. But if she just doesnt want to be married anymore and just live the single party life then thats a different story..

I am sorry about all this various info i typed, there is just so much.. I told her that i bought Love Busters book and a few others and i asked her if i was wasting my time by reading these books to find ways to bring back the spark and emotional love and she said if i want i can read them, but maybe i should wait, and that shes just not ready to put in the work right now (minimum 15 hours a week) and that she is sorry for putting me through this. Its such a mess right now i dont even know where to start.. But yes she tells me she loves me, we had dinner and seen a movie on monday, we had sex today, and we have dinner planned on monday again.. I really love her with all my heart and cant seem to let her go as we were our first and only loves going back all the way to high school but there has been alot of damage done to this marriage..

How can you save your marriage if your spouse just wants to live the single party life? She has no emotions or very little. I send her old wedding pictures and pics of us from the past when we were happy and she could care less, to me i feel weak and kind of feel like im kissing her [censored] to come back.. its pathetic she is a cheater too. We have the kind of marriage that everyone thinks is perfect and people think we are perfect for each other and i guess it comes off as we are super happy and a great looking lucky couple, but we are anything but.. I want to be with her for ever but it might be too late.. we dont have any kids together..

There is no different advice here than the previous advice you got.

Jeff's Thread

Plan A now ...
Work on yourself by instilling a strong set of Extraordinary precautions ... ones you live by for her and/or if she leaves without her. Post them here and we can help you with them.

Read Surviving an Affair

Plan A your WW...that is all you can do.

You cannot control or manipulate your way back with her.

Jeff, a tip:

Post a shorter version of this to your existing thread. On that thread people can already read the history of yours and her affairs and they can see the advice you got here. There is no need to reiterate all that and start a new thread.

On the existing thread, ask the basic question from this post, which I think is this one:

"How can you save your marriage if your spouse just wants to live the single party life? She has no emotions or very little. I send her old wedding pictures and pics of us from the past when we were happy and she could care less, to me i feel weak and kind of feel like im kissing her [censored] to come back.. its pathetic she is a cheater too. We have the kind of marriage that everyone thinks is perfect and people think we are perfect for each other and i guess it comes off as we are super happy and a great looking lucky couple, but we are anything but.. I want to be with her for ever but it might be too late.. we dont have any kids together.."

What if she is not still cheating? Plan A??? We both cheated and the cats out of the bag.. secrets are abit harder to come by now that im on to her, but yes she did move out a few weeks ago, but its been months after she gave OM the no contact text message.. But she says she likes to be on her own and doesnt know for sure if she wants to be married or not...

Before I gave her all the freedom in the world cause I was doing my thing. But now i dont want her going out 3 nights a week and she didnt want to change her lifestyle much, said i was holding her prisoner lol.. i just want to fix things and get her back and never cheat again, it sure is an eye opener!! I have all her passwords and i followed her one night and it all checked out.. She says shes not cheating and if she was she would just go down and file. She says she "needs this time" and space..

But there is still that thought in my head that she still wants to have her cake and eat it too with other men, By going out 2-3 nights a week. I get the feeling she might be prowling around and seeing who notices her and if she could find someone better.. I have been out of work for a year and a half and her affairs started about 2 months after i got laid off.. I must have applied for 150 jobs and I finally got a decent job TODAY after all this time. She has been working 2 jobs (well one of the jobs she only works sat and sun every other week). But maybe that i got money coming in now it will help, but i had max unemployment coming in and it just ran out 2 weeks ago, lucky i got this job!!.. I used to make a ton of $$ before i got laid off. She is a super hot blonde that i cant take any where with out guys looking her up and down, it gets so annoying.. Going to try Plan A anyway and see what happens..

Do you have spyware on her phone and computer? So you can know for sure if she's still cheating? VAR in her car?

You need to know what you're fighting.

I put spyware on her phone before but she found it in her applications and she was pissed.. But she let me use it for a while but decided we had to take it off cause she didnt want me to see what her and her girl friends were talking about with their own marriage problems. It had GPS and i was able to read her text messages, listen to her recorded calls, take a picture of her surrounding.. Have any other suggestions? Where do i get a VAR? There was one night that i had way to much to drink and i sent her some harsh texts.. I told her if I find out she is still cheating on me with a OM or seeing other men that i would find them and kill them.. In reality I would probably beat their A** but i wouldnt kill them lol.. But I wanted to scare her.. So now even if i ask her "Please just tell me if you are cheating or not and if you are it will make it easy on me to divorce and move on" , but now she would never tell me the truth and would probably be extremely sneaky.. She may not be cheating still, i really dont know... Also could there be another reason she is not divorcing me? Waiting for me to do it?

Stop making love bank withdrawals by committing Love Busters. She is not going to tell you if she's cheating so stop asking.

Monitor your spyware. So are you saying she found her phone spyware and now you have nothing?

Go to radio shack for a VAR. VAR