I discovered husband was contacting a prostitute,he says nothing happened. He says there was no reason why, not unhappy about sex, our life, etc, just did a stupid guy thing. He wants to keep marriage and is remorseful, had an emotional breakdown and said he felt terrible for making me feel sad, etc.
We are working thru the things on the website. I asked him if he could stop and promise not to do it again. I'm upset by his answer. He said nobody's perfect and sometimes these things happens in marriages, to a lot of people. We are not the only ones. He said he will try not to, but it might happen , etc. I guess he's not ready to give an absolute, that it will not happen again.

What should I make of this answer and where to go next?

He would need to guarantee you this won't happen again by adhering to a list of extraordinary precautions to ensure that it doesn't happen. What matters are his actions, not his WORDS. His promises are meaningless. But if his life is so open and so integrated that he cannot have another affair, then you will be safe.

So he would have to change his life in a way so he can't do it again. For example, he would need to agree to a list of extraordinary precautions:

1. agree to take a polygraph
2. give you access to all his passwords, email, cellphone, bank accounts, etc
3. never spend the night apart - no traveling apart
4. account for all of his time
5. spend all of your leisure time together

That would be the first step in recovering from an affair. The next step is to use the MB program to create a romantic, passionate marriage. It doesn't sound like you have any plan, so I would pick up the book, Surviving an Affair and read all you can about recovery. YOU WILL NOT RECOVER WITHOUT A PLAN. NOT HAVING A PLAN IS A PLAN TO FAIL.

Have you been checked for STDs?

Hi O-335, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I think what you wrote is absolutely a jaw-dropper!

"I asked him if he could stop and promise not to do it again."
OK. Normal question under the circumstances.
Translation:
"Will you promise not to intentionally inflict hurt on me in the future?"

His response? HORRIBLE !!!!
"nobody's perfect and sometimes these things happens in marriages, to a lot of people."

Translation:
"I give myself permission to inflict hurt on you in the future because that's what others do to their spouses."

Here is your question:


You have been warned, out of his own mouth.

In order to properly advise you, I'd like to know a few things.

1. How long married?
2. Any kids?
3. Previous marriage problems?
4. Addictions? Porn? Etc.
5. Previous marriages?
6. Were either of you still married when you began dating?

Again, welcome to MB.

In closing, may I suggest you advise your WH that if he cannot promise not to hurt you, you cannot promise you will continue to be in love with him. Your WH believes in "unconditional love" ..... meaning he can do "whatever" and you are obligated to remain with him. Not true.

Read all about the LOVE BANK. Your WH made a huge love bank withdrawal (prostitute) and then doubled down on the pain he INTENTIONALLY inflicted on you.
Tell him that unless he is willing to make love bank deposits and stop making withdrawals, your love for him will diminish.

Your thread title is interesting and deserves attention.

Quote

Nobody's perfect?

This is true. No living human is perfect. We are all imperfect.

What this wrong-thinking attitude fails to mention is that GOOD and SMART people LEARN lessons when they have made bad decisions. GOOD and SMART people vow never to repeat their horrible past acts.

In this case, the wayward is saying he is not going to learn anything from his previous bad decisions because he is imperfect.

My advice?

Agree with him.

"Yes dear. None of us are perfect. Some of us are smart and learn not to repeat bad behaviors. Others are dumb enough to wallow in their own imperfection."

Then ..... "I am imperfect. But I am also SMART. I am learning a lot from this experience. What have you learned, other than the depths of your own weakness?"

Two thumbs up

.... and a "snap" too?

Hi, thanks for all your replies, here are the answers to the following questions
Married 15 years, no kids, he was married for 1 year 5 years before he met me, no kids, no previous problems, no addictions. We were not married when we met.

In order to properly advise you, I'd like to know a few things.

1. How long married?
2. Any kids?
3. Previous marriage problems?
4. Addictions? Porn? Etc.
5. Previous marriages?
6. Were either of you still married when you began dating?

Excellent. Thank you.
This is good news.

Plus a twist!!

This situation seems worth fighting for.
If that is your choice.

Your most powerful tool would be SAA *link*

Get a copy. Read it together. Aloud. One chapter a night. Highlight areas of interest. Then, discuss what you have learned.

There is no "forgive and forget". There is no "just move on".

You must insist on "together we will learn how to do a better marriage".

OK?