I discovered on my husband's phone texts to a women he knows from school (many years ago). He is trying very desparately to "connect" with her. He invited her to events which he invited me to but I turned down. He told her about his plans for divorce in these texts (funny he forgot to tell me). He also texted another woman to ask her to lunch. I've went through many emotions since I found them. This has really broken my heart. I have been mad, sad, determinded to save this, determined to "forget" him and move on with my life alone. I'm all over the board. We went through this 5 years ago but it had an even stronger draw on him, we went to counseling which he resented and didn't help until she called Me,(with her new fiance), and said she was not interested in him, never would be and when I told him they called and what was said, he went into a sort of depression. So 5 years have passed and I think we're doing "ok", not great, but not bad, when I find these text messages a week before Christmas. We've talked alot since then and he now says he doesn't want a divorce and in my heart, I don't either, but I get so emotional and mad I just want him gone for betraying me AGAIN. I will tell you about 15 years ago, I had an affair and I know it hurt him terribly and it hurt me terribly in the end. It was just how Dr. Harley describes in it's addictive quality. We went to counseling then also and I came around to stay in the marriage, but still felt if he had not been ignoring my needs, it never would have happened. We have been married a long long time, and I am just tired of all the emotional baggage and I'm not sure I have the energy or desire to meet his emotional needs, but I don't want to be alone the rest of my life either. I lost my mother last year and have had a really tough time with that, and my kids have got married in the past few years, and moved away and I just don't feel I have anyone anymore, but him. I sort of feel like we need to go through something like, SHOULD this marriage be saved? Then, if it should, work at it, but maybe it shouldn't? Maybe it's time we gave up the battle? We listened to the video Infidelity: What every couple should know last night and even though he hasn't physically had an affair, I feel he has been infidel in betraying me. He doesn't see he was trying to start intimate conversation with another women (because it did not happen) so he can not relate to what the video said about him. He doesn't think he was trying to have a romantic relationship, just a friendship. A friendship he never has fully parted from. He sought her out after all these years, and he wants me to believe it's nothing? I don't, can't, won't. I'm going in circles and don't know where to begin. I read, start here, but since it wasn't an actual affair, I am not sure if I should expose what he is doing? I wanted to save him and me the embarrassament of exposure...and I could see him then exposing my indescretions of the past. Mine are wayyyy over and I saw him as my only companion forever. Oh he doesn't remember anything the way that I remember it so we argue about that. He blames me not sitting beside him on the couch well...we never have done that really. So why would that be the blame? He blames my parents for giving us money to buy a tv a long time ago, he blames me being on the computer, well yes, it was a problem but now it's for working or researching or shopping..nothing bad. Before I found the text messages on his phone, he was looking a porn on the computer (he had never had done that before) and he had this nudist thing going on in his mind and bout strip down and run around naked much to my discomfort. I had to witness my xmas tree being decorated in the nude. It was gross and stupid. He has stopped those behaviours (for now) but he probably still wants to do them. I was just "putting up" with this behaviour but told him how it has been pushing me away further from him. I know this is a long and confusing messge because it's a long and confusing mess. Where should we go from here?

Welcome to MB.

Your M has never recovered from both of your past affairs.

Are either of these OW M?

Since you're aware of MB, whom have you exposed to?

Have you read all of these?
Start Here- Welcome Aboard

Sorry is there a dictionary for the abbreviations?

OW M?

Exposed to: no one

Here you go.
Acronyms and Abbreviations

OW=other woman/women
M=Married

Your for step will need to be is exposure. Read the exposure thread and let us know what your plan is.

Do you have spyware on his phone and computer?

You and your husband have been unhappy for years. Both of you have been wayward, and he has been wayward for sometime it seems.

Here is my advice:

1) Read the articles on this site. Spend time and do it.
2) See if he is open to reading them. If he is in the fog of an affair, then you will have to take steps to end it by exposing the affair and making yourself an attractive alternative to his affair partner. If he is not an in an affair, then share some of the articles on this site with him. I would also suggest reading His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters together, both books by Dr. Harley.
3) If he is not willing to read the materials, I would recommend coaching. Here is a link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html

Its expensive, but effective. The coaching can work, even if your husband is not willing to go along at first.

Dr. Harley has restored many loveless marriages. He has helped bring back romantic, passionate love to marriages where the couples have hated each other.

Holy cow! Who can read that? Can you break that down into paragraphs so people can read it?

(sorry about the long post]

I discovered on my husband's phone texts to a women he knows from school (many years ago). He is trying very desparately to "connect" with her. He invited her to events which he invited me to but I turned down. He told her about his plans for divorce in these texts (funny he forgot to tell me). He also texted another woman to ask her to lunch.

I've went through many emotions since I found them. This has really broken my heart. I have been mad, sad, determinded to save this, determined to "forget" him and move on with my life alone. I'm all over the board.

We went through this 5 years ago but it had an even stronger draw on him,(same woman as now) we went to counseling which he resented and didn't help until she called Me,(with her new fiance), and said she was not interested in him, never would be and when I told him they called and what was said, he went into a sort of depression.

So 5 years have passed and I think we're doing "ok", not great, but not bad, when I find these text messages a week before Christmas. We've talked alot since then and he now says he doesn't want a divorce and in my heart, I don't either, but I get so emotional and mad I just want him gone for betraying me AGAIN.

I will tell you about 15 years ago, I had an affair and I know it hurt him terribly and it hurt me terribly in the end. It was just how Dr. Harley describes in it's addictive quality. We went to counseling then also and I came around to stay in the marriage, but still felt if he had not been ignoring my needs, it never would have happened. We have been married a long long time, and I am just tired of all the emotional baggage and I'm not sure I have the energy or desire to meet his emotional needs, but I don't want to be alone the rest of my life either.

I lost my mother last year and have had a really tough time with that, and my kids have got married in the past few years, and moved away and I just don't feel I have anyone anymore, but him. I sort of feel like we need to go through something like: SHOULD this marriage be saved? Then, if it should, work at it, but maybe it shouldn't? Maybe it's time we gave up the battle?

We watch to the video Infidelity: What every couple should know last night and even though he hasn't physically had an affair, I feel he has been an infidel in betraying me. He doesn't see it that way. He was not trying to start intimate conversation with another women (because it did not happen) so he can not relate to what the video said about him. He doesn't think he was trying to have a romantic relationship, just a friendship. A friendship he never has fully parted from. He sought her out after all these years, and he wants me to believe it's nothing? I don't, can't, won't.

I'm going in circles and don't know where to begin. I read, start here, but since it wasn't an actual affair, I am not sure if I should expose what he is doing? I wanted to save him and me the embarrassament of exposure...and I could see him then exposing my indescretions of the past. Mine are wayyyy over and I saw him as my only companion forever.

Oh he doesn't remember anything the way that I remember it so we argue about that. He blames me not sitting beside him on the couch well...we never have done that really. So why would that be the blame? He blames my parents for giving us money to buy a tv a long time ago, he blames me being on the computer, well yes, it was a problem but now it's for working or researching or shopping..Not chatting, nothing bad.

Before I found the text messages on his phone, he was looking at porn on the computer (he had never had done that before) and he had this nudist thing going on and would strip down and run around naked much to my discomfort. I had to witness my xmas tree being decorated in the nude. It was gross and stupid. He has stopped those behaviours (for now) but he probably still wants to do them. I was just "putting up" with this nudist behaviour but told him how it has been pushing me away further from him.

I know this is a long and confusing messge because it's a long and confusing mess. Where should we go from here? [/quote]

Who is on your list for exposure?

Are any of these other women (OW) married?

The one OW he has been obsessed with for years is no longer married. She has been discouraging to him which I am thankful for or he would have gone off the deep end and drowned.

The other OW, I believe is married. His text to her that I saw was apologizing for asking her to lunch in front of her son.

I do have a program on his computer which I put on when I discovered the porn , to "help" him stay away from it. It bothered me, but it wasn't the end of the world. He has not contacted either of them.

I also can check that he has not made contact with his phone. He still has (may be gone now)those text messages on his phone. He can't let go of this woman and any contact with her he wants to save. The therapist 5 years ago asked us to write letters to our persons, I did, he did but didn't mail it, he tried to hand deliver it to her. (not what we agreed to of course) and I'm not sure if he ever did give it to her. This has all been one sided as far as I can tell, in his crazy mind. I don't blame these OW and don't want to hurt them in any way.

I would expose to my kids and their spouses, and maybe out best friends, I'd say his step mother, but that would be too disturbing to her.

Possibly the preacher.

Since he has said he doesn't want a divorce now and wants to work on it, should I expose it? Or is it the only thing that will shake him out of his denial that he was doing anything wrong? I HATE to think about exposing it, it makes me ill to think about. I wanted to when I first learned of it but didn't want to ruin the family Christmas so I just kept quiet.

We don't have that many family & friends so I really don't want to push them away from us, which is what I am afraid of.

Here is my exposure letter, please tell me what you think? I am seeing my kids tonight and will tell them then I hope, and will send this to our best friends and the pastor of our church. I didn't think I'd send to the other woman's husband as she was mad he asked her to lunch in front of her son and I don't think it's her fault i guess.

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxxx and I. As some of you may not know, xxxxx has recently been telling other women he is getting a divorce. I discovered this accidently which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because he has been talking on the phone and via text with an old friend from college named xxxxx who resides in Kxxxxx. She is divorced and has young children. . The purpose of the divorce or separation plan is so that he can carry on his hope for relationship/affair without my interference (which he calls �friendship�. xxxx has pretty much told him �no way� so then he was seeking a relationship with a woman named xxxxxxx, who is married and who, was a daughter of one of his hospice patients and I feel has coveted for over a year. I believe she also spurred him.

He says he has ended all contact with other women ,but he said this before 5 years ago when we went through this and he was even more addicted to the woman from college. I want our marriage to recover from his betrayal. If you have any influence on him, please do what you can to get him to stop this dangerous betrayal. I want to stay married, but this behaviour must end.

To be total forthcoming with you. I had an affair probably 15 years ago. We went through counseling then too but I am not sure he ever forgave me. He said he did, but did he? I have been totally recommitted to xxxx since that time and do not converse or see any other men alone. I�m not angel and I know this is probably a total shock to you considering the happy fa�ade we have portrayed to which I apologize to you. But I think honesty is the only way to go. We are flawed people who need help and support from you.�

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade him to end this fantasy life and and try to truly commit to working on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end these betrayals. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

PS I signed up for the online course with accountablility this past weekend.

That is very confusing. Did he have an affair? I would be so confused if I got that letter. The point is to tell people he had or is having an affair. Where is that information? Maybe if I re-read this thread I will understand because this is too confusing.

Did your husband have an affair?

no he didn't have an affair....yet.

I would not expose this until you have some evidence of an affair. It sounds to me like your husband is a playah who is out looking for action. Is that the impression that you get?

Not really, I think he's looking for his 2nd wife. He is hoping to connect with these woman and yes down the road he would probably have sex with her.

He says he wants to give it a go with me again at this point, but I wondered if the exposure would make him more ummm aware of his actions and that he should talke to me First before seeking out someone else to meet his needs if I am not.

I was blindsided when I read the text that he wanted to divorce me, and a text also to one of the woman he tried to make a dirty joke, which she didn't care for I gathered.

The more I look, the more evidence I find of his planned "escape". And the madder and sadder it makes me. I don't want to be the fool anymore, I either want him IN or I want him OUT and not be riding the fence and looking for something better. I'm done with his BS and I have told him so.

I told him to pack his bags and get out and he didn't do it. I think he didn't realize how hard it would be to leave when it's what he thought he wanted.

He still has the ladies numbers, still has their texts, and his texts to them, 5 years ago, when we said no contact, he reluctantly wrote his, and he tried to hand deliver it to her. So here we are 5 years later going through it again.

I encourage you to read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley

I am at my son's tonight, to babysit for them at 5:30 am tomorrow. They live 2.5 hours away. I just checked his computer...he's been looking up info on those two women. whitepages, looking for addresses (home) of them I think.The one he's been interested in for years he was looking at
Criminal Records and Background Checks ...that's weird. So I know he is STILL persuing it sounds like to me.

another sleepless night...

Good. Then you can order the book on Amazon and get a plan on how to deal with your marriage !