|
|
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84 |
Jedi_Knight, I have not dome either to answer both questions. I don't see a need to waist my money on a PI when she no longer denies the affair. I have not read Surviving an Affair. At this point with how my W is acting if she doesn't want to be married then why do I want to be marrie dto her. So if there is no reconciliation why read it? If I am having the wrong attitude please let me know. But that's where I am right now.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650 |
That sir is your choice and yours alone. But reading a 7$ book wouldn't hurt. Just saying.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84 |
TranquilDark, you are right. And I probably will at some point in the near future with the hopes it helps me move on. But as for now, I have not read the book.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Since you havent read the book and don't desire to save your marriage i suggest you start a thread in the Divirced/ Divorcing Forum.
There are more people that have been recently divorced there and some of them don't look in the SAA forum.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84 |
Jedi_Knight, I want to save my marriage! My wife's actions indicate she wants nothing to do with it. She is planning another weekend away next weekend. She says to Pittsburg but to my knowledge she has no friends there. So I'm left with 2 thoughts. She is going to AZ, or she is hooking up with someone else from her social fitness site. So if only 50% wants to save something and the oter 505 doesn't.......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Well then you need to read the book to understand how to fight this battle.
Are you familiar with the live bank concept and love buster behavior?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Jedi_Knight, I want to save my marriage! My wife's actions indicate she wants nothing to do with it. She is planning another weekend away next weekend. She says to Pittsburg but to my knowledge she has no friends there. So I'm left with 2 thoughts. She is going to AZ, or she is hooking up with someone else from her social fitness site. So if only 50% wants to save something and the oter 505 doesn't....... Is it normal behavior for her to have weekends away?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311 |
Jedi_Knight, I want to save my marriage! My wife's actions indicate she wants nothing to do with it. She is planning another weekend away next weekend. She says to Pittsburg but to my knowledge she has no friends there. So I'm left with 2 thoughts. She is going to AZ, or she is hooking up with someone else from her social fitness site. So if only 50% wants to save something and the oter 505 doesn't....... Do you mean 1) "I want to save my marriage but she doesn't, so I am giving up?" Or do you mean, 2) "I really want to save my marriage." If it's door #2, then you do need to buy Surviving an Affair. It is essential reading, and it offers a plan for betrayed spouses who want to save their marriage when the other spouse has already abandoned the marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
You cannot say you want to save your marriage, while in the same breath saying it is a waste of time to hire a PI or buy a $7 book. Which is it?
We ALL understand the emotional turmoil and confusion. The one day feeling like you are DONE, and the next day feeling like you want to do what you can to save your marriage (and every emotion in between).
Here's a tip: if you fight for your marriage and win, that does NOT obligate you to stay in it! You can leave at any time you want to. If she decides to woman up and leave her affair life behind and invest in your M, and you start recovery, and you decide that you just can't get past all of the history and don't want to be married to her? You can divorce! So doing the steps to save your marriage cannot HURT you, see what I'm saying? It is just going to leave your options open. And allow you to walk away saying "I did everything I could."
If however you decide to NOT fight for your marriage, you will surely end up divorced. You will not have the option of divorce because SHE will decide that for you, when she leaves with this (or antoher) AP. And then you can look in the rearview mirror and wonder 'what if' I had done more...
You can't go wrong by following the advice here.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84 |
It was stated that if I fightand win I can still choose to ;eave if I can't move past the past. That doesn't seem like a fair thing to do. I want to fight, but I want to fight to stay. I'm not hiring a PI because I already know od the affair, it's out in the open. I don't see why I need a PI.
As of late she wants to rotate weekends with our D while both living in the same house. And on her weekends she goes out of town. The las ttime she went to Mich. to meet a "friend"...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 67
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 67 |
Fireboss,
Have you decided what you want out of the rest of your life?
I have a friend who's wife was(is?) involved in an affair at work. I wanted to introduce him to MB, but first wanted to understand what his goal was when we initially discussed his situation.
He wants "A loving wife and mother of an intact family", they have 2 kids. I am working with him to achieve his goal, he has been very fearful and in my opinion too passive, but I said to him just Tuesday, "Nothing has changed about your goal, you still want that and CAN HAVE IT, you and your WW have to both acknowledge though it doesn't have to be HER in that role. If she wants to be in that role, she'll need to earn it."
If she doesn't do what is necessary to be worthy of that role, she'll be gone.
So let's go back to your goal...what are you doing to be WORTHY of that? Not worthy of Mrs FB, but worthy of YOUR GOAL? If you hold up your end, and become that man, you'll get it in the end.
Read the books, create your plan to become that man, watch in amazement, amusement as the world bends itself to your design.
It's happened for a lot of "normal" guys around here, you just need to do your part.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
I want to fight, but I want to fight to stay.Where did THIS sentiment come from? This might have been nice to have seen when there were still opportunities to preventing her going to her last "Desert Bang-a-Thon".  ...she wants to rotate weekends with our D while both living in the same house.Nope! Where are you expected to go when it's her weekend? Since you're not screwing some random skank like she is on your weekends home, that seems unfair! What else she got?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
So she's going to Arizona, Michigan and where else?
Do you have spyware on her phone and computer?
If not install it NOW. A woman like that can disappear with the kid and you don't want that to happen
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650 |
And it will help with exposure and divorce proceedings.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
It was stated that if I fightand win I can still choose to ;eave if I can't move past the past. That doesn't seem like a fair thing to do. I want to fight, but I want to fight to stay. I'm not hiring a PI because I already know od the affair, it's out in the open. I don't see why I need a PI. Its not about winning or being fair. Your 'win' would, I assume, mean that you have ended her affair. But post affair there is still a long (2-5 year) road to recovery. During that time, your remorseful spouse needs to make just compensation to YOU, and needs to invest in recovery with YOU. You can choose at that time whether the work on her part is adequate to make you feel safe in your marriage again. You can choose at any time to divorce if its not. It has nothing to do with being 'fair.' You cannot get to this remorseful spouse and/or recovery phase without first ending the affair. That is why I say you don't even have the option of recovery. A wayward spouse in the fog will NOT be remorseful, and recovery cannot begin until the affair is dead. Its seems that you do not have the slightest desire to do even the bare minimum to work toward this goal.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
When does she leave for the airport for her flight on Roundheel Airways? Thirty minutes before she is to leave the house. YOU leave, telling her you'll be gone for the rest of the week. Although your wife seems extremely calloused, it is clear that she still has a soft spot for your daughter. If you have any shot at getting through to your wife, I suspect it is through your daughter. NG previously suggested that you leave the house shortly before your wife was ready to leave for her weekend with OM. Since your wife wouldn't be able to leave for her trip without leaving your daughter alone in the house, she would be forced to cancel her trip. You've been enabling your wife to cheat on you by providing all the childcare while she is with OM. Why don't you stop doing that and implement NG's plan when she is ready to leave for her next trip?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311 |
It was stated that if I fightand win I can still choose to ;eave if I can't move past the past. That doesn't seem like a fair thing to do. I want to fight, but I want to fight to stay. I'm not hiring a PI because I already know od the affair, it's out in the open. I don't see why I need a PI. Its not about winning or being fair. Your 'win' would, I assume, mean that you have ended her affair. But post affair there is still a long (2-5 year) road to recovery. During that time, your remorseful spouse needs to make just compensation to YOU, and needs to invest in recovery with YOU. You can choose at that time whether the work on her part is adequate to make you feel safe in your marriage again. You can choose at any time to divorce if its not. It has nothing to do with being 'fair.' You cannot get to this remorseful spouse and/or recovery phase without first ending the affair. That is why I say you don't even have the option of recovery. A wayward spouse in the fog will NOT be remorseful, and recovery cannot begin until the affair is dead. Its seems that you do not have the slightest desire to do even the bare minimum to work toward this goal. Unwritten is giving you good advice, FB. You seem to be paralyzed by uncertainty. Snap out of it, man. One minute you're ready to divorce; the next you want to save your marriage. Maybe you feel both ways. That's not unusual. But you have to make a decision and you have to take action. The old adage of "Fail to plan; plan to fail" applies to your situation. As Unwritten says, you can try and save your marriage while still protecting yourself through legal action. So if you are still going to follow through with the divorce, nothing is stopping you from also trying to save your marriage. Remember the carrot and stick of Plan A. Once again, here is Dr. Harley's explanation of Plan A and Plan B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.htmlIt's a good read and might offer you some clarity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311 |
In the link I posted above, Dr. Harley says:
"To insist that the wayward spouse end the affair should not be made with the threat of punishment ("I'm make you suffer if you don't end it"), but rather with the simple fact that it's the most painful experience you've ever had in your life, and if the affair is not ended, your relationship must end with either a separation or divorce. To end the marital relationship is not punishment: It's to protect your own mental and physical health."
Food for thought.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 84 |
So to clear up any preconceived ideas that I am not doing enough. I took an OT shift at work that puts me there fro 48 hours. She called and said how irresponsible it was to not consult here first because she mad plans. She then asked for me to cancel my OT shift. I said no, so she hired a sitter for my daughter to watch her for 48 hours. So while you sit back and ponder and judge on what I am or am not willing to do. Think about that.
I liken it to a person not in their right mind refusing life saving treatment.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Fireboss, I agree. You can't make her change. Just divorce her and wash your hands. She wants to be a harlot then so be it Did you get the following plan? You really need a PI. You need to find out where the hell she goes. I know you don't think it matters but I did a background check on my wife's affair partner and he was a convicted child abuser! And drug addict! Found out who she's seeing. It can be ammo in court custody disputes. Plus you need to protect your kid from the scum! Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.
NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT
1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.
Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 02/07/13 10:26 PM.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (vivian alva),
1,543
guests, and
57
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,522
Members72,027
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
