This site was really helpful to me several years ago when I went through a divorce. I don't post often, but I like to come back now and then when I'm having relationship troubles - seeing advice given to others often helps me see my own relationship in a new light.
This weekend my boyfriend of 3+ years and I ended our relationship. He is 6 years older than me (I'm 34) and when we first started dating, he thought he would remarry one day and that kids were a maybe, someday. Over the last few years that graduated to marriage someday, kids never, which graduated to probably never marriage.
I love this man. He's kind, thoughtful, he's so good to me and makes me happy. We've been good to each other. We take care of each other. So I guess I tried to convince myself that I too, didn't want children and that marriage wasn't important. But I did know that I needed more from our relationship. I needed it to grow beyond me constantly going back and forth between his house and mine. I spent way more time at his house than my own. For over 3 years, this was the pattern and I began to grow tired of it. I did not understand why he wanted me to live separately from him when he also wanted me to be there at his house all the time. When we would talk about the future of our relationship, it was taking him a very long time to move things forward. Just this past August he was still not ready for me to move in with him.
Two weeks ago, I said to him again that I really needed some progression in our relationship. He said he too had been thinking about it (he is the type of person who needs to think and think and think before he makes a decision) and he agreed it was time to move in together. So I moved my clothes and my essentials and we began to get my condo ready to rent out.
He made it clear to me that this moving in together was not necessarily a precursor to marriage. And he is still 100% sure he doesn't want a family. And suddenly it hit me that if I moved in with him, I was going to give up any chance of ever having kids. It would have been one thing to live together with the intention of marrying soon thereafter, and then if the topic of kids was a decision made together depending on our lives and how we saw our future together. But it just didn't feel right that he was making the decision and I was welcome to come along for the ride.
I had dinner with two good friends last week who not ver happy for me when I gave them the news that we'd be living together. They weren't convinced that I was sure I never wanted kids. They felt I was settling. And I was really mad at them but I realized the reason I was so upset was because I knew they were right. I'm not sure I don't or do want kids and I am not ready to give up the chance.
So I talked to my boyfriend about it and it was obvious what needed to be done. He is sure of what he wants and he cannot give me what I want. I wish I would have come to this realization a long time ago ... I guess deep down I've always known but I was either hoping he'd change his mind one day or I was hoping I'd be okay with just having him and no marriage or family. He doesn't want to be a regret and have me wondering "what if" months or years from now. He doesn't want to be my plan B, and stay with him because I'm too scared to put myself out there again. I don't really want to - I just really wanted my future to be with him.
So now he's hurting, and I'm hurting. I'm so scared that I've made the wrong decision and that I'll come to regret it. Shouldn't the fact that we love each other be enough?
I always thought he was "the one". I've reached out to him, I guess because I don't want him to think I'm sitting here not caring about him but it seems like my doing so makes it worse.
I guess I don't really have a question ... I just needed to talk and write it out. I don't know what I'm looking for here.
