Last week I was contacted by a strange woman that went way out of her way to locate me. She sent me a message stating that my fiance had an affair with her (one time only) and she felt I deserved to know. She gave me SOME details. One day in July 2012 he told me he was going to the VA hospital for a check-up. I had to work so I was unable to go along. We text all day that day until he arrived home. Apparently, he actually went to pick up this woman, took her to a hotel where she gave him oral sex and had intercourse with him. She says he was texting me the entire time so I would not get suspicious. He stayed at the hotel for about an hour after their intercourse and then took her home and came home to me. I remember this day and did not have any suspicion of anything when he got home that day. When I received this message I immediately called him (he was working) and asked him who this woman was. He didnt know what to say. He started out trying to deny the relations, but quickly realized I had too much information and he admitted that what she said was true. I fell apart. I guess I should mention that 2 months after he did this, he bought my engagement ring, 3 months after we found out I was pregnant, and 4 months after he proposed. I asked him a million questions, main question being "WHY???" and he has answered them all openly and honestly. This woman continued trying to contact me and then tried contacting him. He immediately told me she had called him. He has really been trying. He says it meant nothing and it was a stupid, childish mistake. He promised nothing like it will ever happen again and he has not spoken to this woman since the day he slept with her. Here is my problem. I want to believe everything he is telling me, but its hard. The work he does requires him to have a company phone. This phone is paid for by his work and is on their company plan. I have no access to monitor this phone and I am terrified he will only use it rather than his personal, as this woman stated he would do from time to time. How do I ever truly learn to trust him when he HAS to have this phone for his work? How do I know he stopped all communication with her or any other woman he may have been talking to if I cannot see his records on that phone? I am now 5 months pregnant and I am trying REALLY hard to not stress over all of this. He has been so open with me and I hate that I cant stop obsessing over all of this. I am still with him, but I dont know if I will be able to stay as long as he has the means to continue inappropriate communication. HELP!!!!

Hi UtterlyLost, I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. That being said, you are not married so this belongs in the Dating forum. What would be recommended is that you don't marry your fiance. Dating is a job interview for marriage and it wouldn't make any sense to marry someone who lies and plays around.

If you stay with him, you know what your future will be like. I wouldn't sign up for that if I were you.

Amen! And you'll have to stop expecting to change him, and instead expend your energy on providing for the child, which just arrived, (November? December?) if I can do the math correctly.

She made a post in the other forum and requested that we not tell her to just leave him.

But I agree with you, NG -- the child's got to be the focus here, because the fiance sure isn't going to change.

UL,

Btw is this OW married? If so add an extra layer of protection by telling the OWH or boy friend.

A one time affair is never one time, STDs can last a lifetime and guilt takes a long time to fade if ever.

God Bless
Gamma

For argument's sake I made a mistake while I was dating my WH and had an ONS with someone when I was 19 and he 22 (We weren't engaged yet). Not something I'm proud of and something I'll never repeat again. EVER. I'm not defending anyone, but that was a one time thing for me. In my case I confessed right away (next day).

It seems quite likely however, that your fiance only came clean because he was exposed. Very telling. Proceed with extreme caution. At the very least he's a liar to have kept up the pretense for so long.

I will say that Gamma is right about guilt. And on the flip side there will be resentment to deal with on your end. If I had to do it all over again I would wish my WH had not married me and I would've have started with someone else with a clean slate.

The reason why people are going to tend you tell you not to marry him is that he has shown you that he is untrustworthy, that he does not know how to put boundaries on his relationship, he is not open with you, he may have had unprotected sex.

THen you take this guy and put him in a situation where he will have a work phone that you cannot monitor and it will be easy for him to keep secrets.

How do you know you can trust him? You can't.

Now if you were already married we might have different advice.

But why don't we as a society just get married the next day after they propose? Because we want to prepare for a wedding and a marriage. We give ourselves another step toward full commitment without being entangled legally and financially. You can use this time to decide if this is really a good idea for you.

So you are willingly going to marry someone who has shown he will cheat on you.

The reason we say DON'T is that we have seen again and again how poeple wished they paid attention to the gian red flags they saw before he cog married.