I thought I was getting stronger and my H was treating me kindly, even tho there is nothing in his eyes for me. Then I had to go read a book about surviving affairs, I don't even know which one now. I realized my H has the worst type of in-love affair right down to the smallest detail. It is the kind that 70% end in divorce.<P>I can't handle this. I feel so lost and desperate. How could he ever do this to me? I feel like the whole cause is lost no matter what Plan I'm in. I am realizing that he is putting OW over me, he feels married to her. I feel so sick and I don't know how I can possibly keep going.<P>I think Plan A is only good when your spouse never intended to leave the marriage and you both want to rebuild. Mine wanted to bail out from the begining. It was the first thing he said to me when I found out.<P>My children will be so devastated. They already know this is happening; they are not stupid, they see me cry and listen to me on the phone. They are so curious as to why dad is making me cry. What hope is there when you H's love is for someone else? None.<P>

I read a book like that, again, which one, I don't know either and I was apparently sunk as well. My H no longer loves the OW, although he's still attracted, he's seeing her darker side. He says he loves & desires me and I am his soul mate...and there was a time he said I was overweight, didn't attract him, he felt no passion for me and probably had never truly loved me.<P>All this and we still aren't back together, but you see how much your H's mind-set may change.<P>Also, remember, just because you read it in a book doesn't make it true in your life. Statistics can be skewed many, many ways by the data collector. Poor consolation, I know.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Thank you Lor:<P>I'm so confused and a crying mess right now, even tho I'm a darn good typist! It's so hard to see hope when you read in these books time after time that if the affair was this kind, beware! Well, it seems to be and now what? Just beware? Sometimes I think there's hope in how good he's treating me. At the beginning (almost a month ago) we were even intimate - altho he only initiated it once way at the begginning of this tragedy, and the other times were by me. Now I feel him not even wanting to give me the comfort of a hug anymore. But when I read it over and over in these books that this type of affair is the most devastating, etc. etc., how do you go on? I want my H back so badly. I never had the chance to stop loving him. The trust is over, how can I trust him that he's not just buying time til she gets her divorce, or maybe he's only trying to get through the holidays for the kids.<P>I can't do Plan A right now. I have too much emotion built up (and I'm not basically a very emotional person). I can't seem to stop crying. To be his doormat right now while he's scheming with HER to ruin my life is unbearable. How can I keep going on.

Here are some of my coping strategies:<BR>1)I don't have to do this forever. I only have to do it today. If that's too much, I only have to do it for 15 minutes and I can re-evaluate then.<P>2)Be extra kind to yourself--burn those decorative candles and buy more, play music (I've discovered a pawn shop that sells CDs 3/$10), baths, fun with the kids (if you have them), dancing, jumping on a trampoline, long walks, working out, a break from the affair books--read something light & frivolous or my current favorite Mysteries from the past nonfiction. Wear comfortable clothing/or conversly, look sexy<P>3)make contact with friends, relatives, join a group, take a class, go to a conference, volunteer your time. Don't make your H your God/whole world.<P>4) get a good counselor, one that you can work towards couples counseling with, but who will also just see you. Look into anti-depressants or anti-anxiety. Paxil pretty much saved my life in August and I've just gone back off. St. John's Wort and Kava Kava are other options.<P>5) determine what your goal for your marriage is. If you want your marriage, don't do anything that interferes with that goal. Plan A is a good guideline, so is DIVORCE BUSTING or HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK or LIGHT HIS FIRE by Kriedman.<P>You don't have to trust him right now. Leave that for the future. I know that daily life almost demands some trust, but accept that you don't trust him, nor is he trustWORTHY.<P>Plan A is not being a doormat. Although it is a tough line to find and it took me months. You don't accept his bad behavior, you confront it with love and no lovebusters.<P>This situation is not easy. You can't control him, but you can control YOU. And you have to be there for your kids, no matter how hideous you feel...<P>Take care

Hurt Bad:<P>I liked Lor's coping strategies. I also encourage you to stick with the Plan A strategy for as long as you can. Do some counseling with Steve Harley if you need too---he's a great pick-me-upper!!!<P>Listen to my situation:<P>My wife had an internet affair that turned "real" after we moved to within a couple hours of the OM. Some of the stuff I found:<P>1. She married me for the wrong reasons.<BR>2. She never loved me<BR>3. She never had passion for me<BR>4. She continued the affair after I discovered it, even going to visit him on several weekends.<BR>5. My kids "loved" the OM and his family<BR>6. On Christmas eve, I read a letter between the two of them that stated how much they loved each other, and how they couldn't wait to be together for next Christmas<BR>7. She visted him over New Years (out with the old, so to speak...)<BR>8. We eventually separated. She continued to see the OM.<BR>9. She got pregnant by the OM.<P>That's just a quick "greatest hits" list. I know how you're feeling---but I want to impress upon you that it's never over 'till it's over (and sometimes then it's not even over). He is living a fantasy---consider your husband mentally ill, and see if you can outlast this fantasy.<P>I never had a whole lot of "hope" for my situation in the year that I lived through it. But I made it through, gaining strength in the behaviors that I was learning, and the personal "growth" that I developed. And now, I have my wife back---in a very happy marriage. <P>Did I expect that at your stage?? Not on your life. I hope this encourages you to stick it out for a while.

I'm sorry. I don't want to go on walks or take classes. I do thank you for your encouragement, but there is so much sadness in it also. It makes me think that this is not nearly as bad now as it's gonna get, and then what'll I do. My future seems to dim. When I take a walk, I only long for him to be with me hand in hand. The only thing I'm going to do is leave him with the kids Saturday and go back home to my sister's. We're going shopping, out to eat, maybe a great haircut, and we might go out to dance in the evening - I haven't done that since my 20's practically. All in all, I wish I were doing these things with my H and not my sister, even tho she is precious to me.<P>On the other hand, I'm going to worry the whole time that he might bring the OW to my home, in my bed, while my kids are sleeping. I think I'm going to tell him in a nice, but concerned way, that this is my concern and urge him not to risk my kids emotional health by introducing her to my home.<P>Lor - you are really helping me. I guess my pain is great because I'm at the beginning of the worst crisis of my life. St. John's Wort is helpful. I do not want to take any other medication, and am not sure I can (my youngest sister has a mental disorder and I don't know if I can trigger anything in myself by taking anti-depressants). It's hard to look out over an ocean when you're in a canoe. It just seems hopeless and you wonder why this is happening to me. I'm not a bad person and don't deserve it. Not that anyone does. I don't know. I just can't stop the emotions today.

Hurt Bad, <P>Hang on. I know you can do this. It is tough. It's so emotionally draining that often you feel that it would be easier to just give up. But, don't. <P>We know how you feel. We've been through this too. We know the empty feeling. We know how alone you are. We know how hard it is to keep this away from the kids. We know what its like to cry when there are no tears left to fall. We know the rejection you get. We know the knotted stomach. All of it - it's awful. <P>But, you know what? You can get through this. You will be made stronger by this. You will be more loving, more compassionate, and have a stronger character. <P>Don't give up on Plan A. I gave plan A in the face of severe rejection. My wife's affair was in its zenith during my Plan A. You take one day at a time. And if that's too long you go for one hour at a time. <P>I was in your shoes writing some of the same things on this forum about 5 months ago. You take care of yourself and your kids. You give unconditionally for now (your time will come later). Your husband, like my wife was, is insane right now. He is not himself. You promised to be with him through sickness and in health. He is sick and doesn't know it. He really does need you. you have to be the strong one right now. <P>Keep going. We are here to help you.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR>

Aw, HB, I didn't say you'd WANT to go for a walk, I said DO it. <P>Going to your sisters is EXCELLENT. The first time my H moved out I took the kids across the state for the weekend to my sisters. I shook the whole weekend. I felt like half my body was missing and the rest was a quivering, bloody wound. I kept thinking nonessential things like "Who will I go to the movies with?", not to mention the real worries of emergencies with kids.<P>I didn't find the MB board until Dec 98, right before my H moved out the second time, I still didn't know about the affair until 2 weeks later when he confessed--and since then it's been one huge roller coaster. My pain and anguish is documented. If you read my current post "Weird weekend" you'll see people saying I sound strong, that is because many of them were around when I was a bleeding puddle on the floor--who one day sprang up madder than h*ll, and that wasn't too great either.<P>Go ahead and talk to him about not bringing the OW into the house. You have that right. And I will personally pray that if they are together they will see nothing but wretchedness in one another--perfectly Biblical, even if in an Old Testament/Psalmic way.<P>Nobody can do this for you, but there are so many here that have trod a similar path and we will try to share what gets us through the day.<P>If your H is the only thing in the world that has brought a smile to your face or who is your only pleasure, you've needed to find something for a long time. How about crafts, art, singing, writing, gardening (not the right season here, but planning is fun), pottery, a foreign language, sport's events, concerts (I went to 98 degrees on Sun with my 14 year old and screamed for 2 hours, not because i liked the band, but because screaming in a socially acceptable situation is so hard to come by ). <P>Do you see what I am saying? There is something very special about YOU, find it, nourish it. You won't feel crushed, like you do right now, forever. My H moved out the last time on Oct 8. For 2 weeks I wasn't sure I could live through it again (it doesn't get easier), now I'm here egging you on.<P>Somewhere along the line I found out I would make it with or without my H, even though the thought of without makes me want to lie down on the floor and moan. But I AM OKAY. <P>But I only have to be okay today until 4 pm, I will re-evaluate at that point, see rule #1. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

HurtBad, every day I wonder if the "cause is lost." My W told me that she was "head over in heels in love" with the OM. She told me she "cared about me." That hurt horribly.<P>I don't know if I really understand Plan A. Would someone explain it, how they applied it and it worked? My W keeps telling me "I don't know what I want to do." <P>I can't stop the emotions either, Hurt Bad. I pray, and have found new faith. I have always kept a tight rein on my emotions. Lately, I cry often. I always felt proud that I was not "weepy" and "emotional." Now, I am often fairly depressed. I think of all the same things you do; I wish she was there to hold my hand, that I could touch her hair, smell her, be close to her, walk up to her from behind and put my arms around her while drinking it all in. <P>I'm probably torturing myself.<P>I try to get out and do things, spend time with other people. They pity me, and I also don't like that. It makes me even sadder. And a little mad sometimes. Everything I do makes me think of her.<P>I just wanted you to know that it's not just you. It helps to know sometimes that you are not alone. I pray often now, and will pray for you. I wish it wasn't so hard, that I didn't love her so very, very much. I can tell you feel the same about your H. We all love you and most important, God loves you.<P>Joe John

I do have things I like. I used to be a political animal of all things. I loved to help people who were running for office, some of them were friends of mine. I also love gardening and landscaping and planning my next garden on graph paper. I want to create a pond/rock garden in my back yard next to my brick patio (both of which I don't have yet). It seems hopeless because I feel like this is not my home. I've only lived here for 2 months and I feel like it is just a place he brought me to live in despair. I look around and long to be back where I used to live just 6 months ago where we were silly and playful, and had no idea this could ever happen. Why did he bring me here to suffer. I wish he would have never accepted this job in Michigan. Here I was so excited at him finally advancing and getting what I thought he deserved for so long, and I was so proud of him! We all loved it here so much, it's a beautiful place, the kids are happy, the schools are great, no bullies in the neighborhood. I have been from the top of the mountain to the pits of hell literally in the span of a month. What happened? Did he just get so full of himself? It's just unbearable, at least today.<P>Thanks for posting, I'm still going to cry my eyes out in self-pity until he gets home, that is if he gets home.

I HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE PEOPLE WHO SAY YOUR HUSBAND IS SICK AND IS NOT HIMSELF RIGHT NOW. JUST TRY TO HANG IN THERE AND TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. I THINK ITS A GOOD IDEA TO TRY TO LIVE A LITTLE YOURSELF, TOO. MY WIFE HAD AN AFFAIR THAT THANK GOD ONLY LAST 2 MONTHS. BUT I REMEMBER SITTING IN MY LIVING ROOM WONDERING WHAT HER AND THE OM WERE DOING. I WISH THAT I WOULD HAVE HAD THE COURAGE TO GO DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF, TOO. BEST OF LUCK AND I KNOW MANY PEOPLE WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.<P>KMMORRIS

Thank you too JoeJohn:<P>I remember your post about your shoes. Why do people hurt other people who love them without caring? For me, it still feels like it came out of nowhere. My H has talked about the OW as if she is the person he's been searching for all his life and she has wiped out 20 years of my history with him. Today I wish I never ordered those daRN books. I thought they would help me with whatever I needed to do, instead they've given me a feeling of loss, that it's over.<P>I keep thinking how easy this would be if I had no children. But really, it wouldn't change anything. I'm much more concerned about them than me, but even if I had none I could not just turn my love for him off.<P>I'm so gone now - and believe me I do pray all day long sometimes. I decided also to pray for others and do when someone asks, it's good to do that. My H has completely left God. The guilt he feels won't let him approach God for help. The funny thing is he still prays with the kids before they each go to sleep. Last weekend he even mentioned ALL of us going to church together! What's up with him!!!<P>Thanks all -- Kathy

Oh, Kathy, you've got to hold on. <P>You CAN do this. I know it feels like you can't, but you can. <P>We're strong. My dad always said "You just do what you have to do when you have to do it."<P>He's not himself. You have to be the strong one for your entire family. Have you seen your doctor yet? This can all be so overwhelming. I do know that.<P>Like Lor said - You don't have to WANT to do the things that are good for you. You just have to do them. They will take the edge off the pain. It doesn't go away right away. This is a long hard ride, but you can take the edge off. <P>You have to function. You have to keep going - baby steps. One little thing at a time. Everything you accomplish will give you strength.<P>Keep going.<P>Lori

I know he's not himself - but the strange thing is that HE IS in a way. He's fine and being normal, except that he has lost affection for me. He's not mean, he's great with the kids (which I've been so happy about), he decent to me on the phone, he doesn't go ballistic when I cry or start to get upset, it's just there's not much compassion or feelings towards me even tho he's being decent. Those stupid books really threw me, and I'm still shook up. The messages are so mixed up. But I still feel every day that I'm the one he's trying to figure out how to get rid of, not her. He won't talk at all. All I know is what he told me at the very beginning and now I'm clueless to what he's thinking or feeling.<P>Lostva, my dad gave me my strength back and I know I won't lose it. Sometimes there's just that one thing that sets us off that makes it feel like sanity will never return. I just didn't like reading about all the "types" of affairs only to find my H is involved in the worst and most detrimental one to my marriage, which tells me this is going to go on FOR SO LONG. I wish it was only SEX. I felt from the beginning that would be so much easier to take than an emotional soul-mate connection.<P>I'm kinda spent right now and don't want to look like a total wreck. I'm going to go fix my eyes and try to smile about something. I'll go hug my boys.