Hi All, I will try to make this as streamlined as possible. BW here 49, WH is 53 on Sat. We have been together 16 years married 3, I had 5 DCH/2 adopted and after a 7 year custody battle we adopted his biological niece who has lived us since she was 2 (this caused us to be ostracized from many members of his family including his mother and siblings) It was the right thing to do but it drained us financially and wiped us out emotionally. This child was initially taken from her mother and has NUMEROUS issues, including PTSD, Reactive Attachment Disorder with suicidal tendencies, over sexualized and has been in treatment since the age of three. I have a nueromuscular disorder and had to go on SSDI back in 2001...stress affects me physically and I feel pain 3X more than other people. This has allowed me to stay in school with her, unfortunately this was needed until this year! My WH has a condition that affects his heart and almost died this time last year. He received a pace maker/defibrillator.

I realized that WH was in MLC within 3 months. He went from a 38 waist to a 32 in the last 4 months...too thin! He started buying new clothes...by himself. Primping in the mirror, shaving every day and disappearing for a few hours at a time. This was very out of character. He is usually a home body and it was very difficult to get him out of the house. he wasn't feeling well for a while but it did not improve after his health improved. He works for a well known University/Hospital and for the most part is considered an excellent employee who goes above and beyond< but he ended up in a job he hated and found one in particular that fit him to "T"....it came down to him and one other...he didn't get it...devastated! MLC got worse, need a new car (want a new car) never get any time on the weekends (like the title, not the job) Feel like you're sitting on me, I can't breathe (never gave him a hard time about going out so I knew this was his issue and always told him so.

DDAY was 10/06/12. He claimed he was going to NYC with a friend to pick up his brother from the airport. He text me once that night...it was illegible and I knew he was drunk. He never came home until 9am. My 19 yoDD was sleeping on the couch and realized that he had just come in. I was very ill (vomiting, couldn't walk, etc) he came in apologizing that it would never happen again. On Monday, the new dog that he just brought into the house got into his garbage and was chewing a receipt from VIP for massage oil...we order ours online. I took his spare key, went to the parking garage, opened the trunk and found everything!!! Suitcase, reservation, Honey Dust .....called WH. He later tells me that he has always been a gentleman and never felt anything for anyone else, until.....a coworker (whom he's never mentioned) but they talk to each other about their families, fell apart on him about an affair her WH was having and they both felt an attraction. Caught me completely flatfooted! We have had no problems and have always been very instinct...equal partners...absolute love of my life!!

He cried all night and the next morning said that he was afraid he drove a truck through his life...I was thinking more our life. He insisted they were friends and I insisted that at the very least he planned it. He denied, but he has been stupid enough in the past to tell me that there are certain things that he will just deny,deny, deny. A day later I took recycables out of the laundry trash and found ALL of the receipts. New clothes, shoes, fancy restaurant, lots of drinks, a list (he is OCD) on them red boxers and condoms....it was on.

He claimed to be helping a Spanish speaking student edit her English papers. Her name and professor were at the top of the page. She was a student at the community college two of our DDS attend. So I went to his job, huge place, had no idea where his office was within 12 floors so it was needle in a haystack scenario. ALMOST WALKED RIGHT INTO THEM. Ended up following her for 20 minutes got on an empty elevator and spoke to her so she would face me and I could see her ID. It was her...I was floored...she was dumpy...nothing special.

In 1 week I had 3 file full of information. I put a GPS system on his car for 3 weeks. Best $300 I ever spent. I had surgery on Halloween he took care of me, in a distracted obligated kind of way. While searching I found that Nov 2 was a day he taking off, never told me...said he was in training and text me his location.I found a receipt that night for Panera's Bread in a city an hour and a half away at the same time that he texted me. Later I found that he didn't use the visa card at the desk but used an ATM ...it sent the same information lol! I guess he had reward himself for taking care of me.

I was just numb for a couple of weeks..I quit everything that I volunteered at because he complained about it. He said he was glad we got married that he would do it again tomorrow, that I made him the man he is (I certainly hope not!). He had became very detached and was more like an observer in the house. His father came up for a visit and when the poor man hugged me I fell apart and told him everything...opps, only human. He got a little nasty with me so I got right in front of him and asked him where he was on Nov 2 he turned completely white (which is hard because he's brown) and his upper lip broke out in an instant sweat...flop sweat. He said "work" and I broke down where he was and told him I had an anonymous call and then I told him I needed space to think and left for five days.

I caught him at the girl friends house during the workday (GPS) I parked and recorded for 3 hours until he came out. He claimed he was breaking up with her...yeah right! And that he would do whatever it takes to make things right. I left and got an STD test. I met him at a therapists office the next day and let him speak for 45 minutes. He lied right off the bat about drug use and I knew it was a waste...sort of. The therapist at the end of him complaining about ALL the PTO meetings I go to until 8 pm, told him he was either in deep denial or just trying to pull one over. He was livid and left saying he was not going to work on the marriage. He later barraged me with texts to come home or he would start packing up. I went home two days later. He was kind affectionate, etc.

Two days later I was told that I had gonorrhea. Called him immediately. I never saw his first test but his second was negative and he claimed the OW was negative too....hmmmm. We have the same GP and I heard he told him how sick I was (it was thanksgiving) how much that shot hurt (WOW) and he said "good penance for her" because he claims that he thought i was messing with him and never had it to begin with.

We physically fought that night, never happened before. I wouldn't let him leave w/o telling me the truth and eventually ripped the shirt off his back....it just sounded really good to me at the time! He tried to restrain me and ended up creating bruises from head to toe. He left that night. He took DD to basketball the next night asked to come in and pack. He was there for a while i fell asleep he saw the bruises fell his knees shocked. He stayed in his office for a week.

He claimed he didn't know how to kick her out of his very small inner circle. But he choose to be w/ us. He did almost nothing with Christmas. His finances are all messed up playing big spender to his 35 yr/old gf. Our utilities are all very overdue.

I am trying my best to be in plan A mode, but it is hard to be treated like an imbecile and not roll your eyes when you see their head spinning trying to tell the story right, or when I woke up after a procedure today (yes I have ulcers and went from a size 8 to 4 in 3 months )to find him texting her , I watched him for 10 minutes before he knew I was awake. I find myself losing respect for him daily and am afraid that I will come to resent him down the road.

I think of him as having a mental illness its the only way i can cope. He knows how ugly my past has been, how compromised my immune system is and the difficulty our DD had w/ two selfish adults who only cared about themselves and now its happening again and she doesn't even know what's in-store for her. I think her finding out about this will cause massive damage concerning her abandonment issues.

Any advice is much appreciated! I may not be able to respond immediately he watches me a lot when he's home...too much typing makes him nervous...

Sorry for any mistakes made

Welcome to MB rock and sorry for your pain.

Have you read this? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Is the OW married? Who have you exposed the affair to? How does he know her?

He said they are almost divorced....not true, I checked judicial lookup and there is only a paternity suit with another man. I have friends checking for the husband on facebook. His father, 1DS, 1DD, Several friends, my mother and sister. He is astrained from most of the family. They work at the same University.

He said they are almost divorced....not true, I checked judicial lookup and there is only a paternity suit with another man. I have friends checking for the husband on facebook. His father, 1DS, 1DD, Several friends, my mother and sister. He is astrained from most of the family. They work at the same University. Yes, I have, it is hard for me to remember everything...cognitive issues. But I have read everything I could before I started the thread. It takes me a while to organize thoughts in my head to paper : )

Ok since you've read the starting information.

Tell us your exposure plan. Who's on the list and since they work together the workplace exposure.

Do you have all your evidence in a safe place?

How are you doing? Eating? Sleeping?

Good job on getting a STD test.

Hi I have had to focus on health issues because I have lost soooo much weight and found to have several ulcers yesterday and went to my cardiologist today resting heart rate is 111 and have had heart attack symptoms for over a year. So I need to be very careful of my health right now, epecially being the only functioning parent in the household.
My taxes are being done on Monday WH asked for $500 and said the rest can go to the house. I have 5 children in college, a house in major need of repair (so I can sell if need be) and I'm on a fixed income. I want that money into the account I just opened before he changes his mind! That will hopefully buy me some time so if/when he leaves I do not lose my house. We have a very small circle...most of them already know....this was before I found this site. I went by OW house today to see if her husband came out so I can identify him and his vehicle, door of house was open but no luck today. Thanks for asking

Sorry, Yes all of the evidence is at a friend's house.

Sorry, Yes all of the evidence is at a friend's house.

rock, to answer your question on the other thread, you should only attempt to meet his needs for 3 to 4 weeks until you go into Plan B. Plan A only lasts that long for women before they should separate and go into Plan B. I don't know what your living situation is, but I would make plans to go into a very dark separation unless he agrees to end his affair, end all contact and commit to the Marriage Builders program.

Did you expose the affair? And are you familiar with Plan B?

Thank you for answering. I am not in a good situation but am working toward Plan B with taxes/ new account (already established) and a visit to a lawyer within the next 2-3 weeks. Already had children reestablished on WH health/dental insurance. This will be ugly...
Before I found this site I had already exposed him to D and s couple of close friends and a neighbor who was concerned.
Looking for the OWS as we speak and have others looking as well.

Can you ask him to move out? Does he live with you?

Did you read my exposure thread yet? I would read that thread and develop a plan for a serious, impactful exposure all on the same day. I would target the workplace, the OW's contacts, all of your parents, close family and friends. All of your children should be told.

It takes a very serious, proactive approach to save a marriage.

Financially...not immediately, but soon.

WH is estranged from the majority of his family and I have questions concerning the emotional well being of our DD 11 year old. She has major abandonment issues and is an extremely at risk child as it stands. She is my most difficult by far out of six (2 adopted from dcf)
Should WH have thought of this before ...of course, but someone needs to protect her as a parent and find the best way possible for her sake...I am speaking of him leaving and working toward a three week deadline and will read your article...thank you!

rock, what you can do is insist that he move out now and then follow up later with a visit to an attorney to make sure he continues to pay the bills. A spouse cannot move out and just stop paying the bills.


She will be in more serious trouble when you have a nervous breakdown from his abusive behavior. You do her harm by allowing him to stay there while conducting his affair because it harms your emotional and physical stability. Your husband needs to move out but that does not mean he can't still have visitation with the kids.

And I would still expose his affair wide and far, even to his family. Just because he is estranged, does not mean they don't have influence. And I would certainly expose it to the workplace, to the OW's family, your family, children, and friends. You can't afford to skip this step.


I would tell him NOW he needs to leave as soon as possible. If you give him a deadline, he will just have fun for that 3 weeks and use that time to find another way to avoid leaving. A better way is to tell him that his affair is too painful for you and your family and if he won't end his affair NOW and commit to a program of recovery, he needs to get out.

Then if he won't leave, I would pack his bags and escort him to the door.

I hear you...I'm calling her therapist today...she has suicidal tendencies...and fill her in on the situation. She's not blind and has seen the changes too (therapist).

Thank you

rock, the biggest threat to your DD is *your* emotional well being. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity and he only suggests that women stay in Plan A a very short period of time. The reason is because they suffer severe emotional and physical harm, nervous breakdowns, post traumatic stress disorder, suicides, etc. I seriously doubt this therapist understands those risks. Very few therapists are qualified to counsel someone in an affair.

I will tell you what happened my own sister in law 15 years ago. My brother had an affair with his 21 year old secretary. My SIL spent months trying to get him back. She had a nervous breakdown and was committed to a mental institution. Her 8 year old autistic son was then handed over to my brother, who took him to live with him and the OW.

You need to take this seriously because it will come on fast. You can explain to your DD that your husband is having an affair and it is extremely painful to you. Because of this, you are asking him to move out. But she can still see her dad according to a visitation schedule.

Are you putting together your exposure plan?

Rock,
In spite of your delicate health and the abuse being heaped upon you by your husband, you are being assertive in dealing with this. Good job.

Your husband is abusing you with his affair and his lies. If he isn't willing to leave his affair and give just compensation for his affair, he must leave immediately.

Complete your exposure, and get legal protection. Get ready for Plan B also. This will be hard on your daughter, but any option you choose will be hard on her.

Buy Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair and read it.

Good luck.

I am working toward a one day exposure plan and can get into see a lawyer earlier than anticipated...I need to do this right...because he is very good at legalities!

Trying to work quickly.

Thank you for your concern. I could never live myself if I caused my daughter further undo harm. I hope you understand.

I have a really good sense of humor albeit dark at times and I'm a fighter. plus I just look at him like he's mentally ill.

Have to shut down, keeps asking what I'm doing.

Thanks again!

That is great! I would get your exposure done as soon as possible and THEN go see the attorney *IF* your husband won't end his affair. That may kill his affair so you don't have to separate at all. If he will end his affair and commit to the program then you don't have to bother seeing an attorney.


Good, because the longer you wait, the less likely he is to end the affair.


I agree. And having a nervous breakdown would be a disaster because YOU are all she has. IT would be reckless and irresponsible to allow that to happen. Then she will REALLY feel abandoned.


He is not mentally ill, he is WAYWARD. He is selfish and wayward. Mental illness implies a lack of control that warrants sympathy. That approach would be inappropriate and harmful to your husband.

You're right...he just acts so much like an addict...lying, conniving, taking risks. Tells me I made him the man he is...I don't think so.

WH is home today, thinks I'm up to something. I am...taxes!