I found out about my husband's two month affair on New Years Eve. We met the OW at a fundraising concert Nov 3rd. Didn't know that my husband had dinner with her the night before with his sister and sister's husband. Guess they flirted since I was home with the kids and couldn't make it. So the sister tells my husband that OW (sister's best friend) likes him and thinks he's hot. She then provides my husband with OW's phone number when he asks for it. And the sister should have a clue as she has been married 4 times, cheated on the first two husbands and third cheated on her.

So after I found a suspicious text he confessed to talking to her and sexting but nothing more. Then I checked his trash email and found emails talking about meeting in a hotel room and naked pics of her. But he couldn't go thru with sex. The after meeting with pastors at church (where they talked about being completely honest) he told me he drove 3 hours to her house in another state twice to meet her. While they attempted to have sex he couldn't complete the act. I still consider it sex even if he couldn't climax.

We are working things out and realized that we haven't been meeting each others needs being too busy with work, life, kids, etc. He is self-employed so he has a lot of freedom. (He told me he was out of town for work.). He is working on getting a job so he has more accountability. His sister found out the extent of the affair when my husband and OW surprised her for lunch. She of course didn't tell me.

So my question is- does my husband need to cut all ties with his sister as the OW is her best friend? And for how long? My husband has agreed to cut ties (no calls, texts or meetings) with sister. He has unfriended her on FB as there are numerous pics of her and OW. But I feel bad about this and believe he will be upset if the no contact with his sister continues for a long period of time.

Thoughts?

The greatest risk is YOUR upset and resentment. It won't help you or your marriage to be associated with his sister and her skank friend, who is the enemy of your marriage.

I would expose the affair to all the family and close friends so they understand why you can't be associated with the sister anymore. She should be ashamed of herself.

Do you have children? How long married?

Have you been tested for STDs?

We have exposed the affair to a few people. I notified husband's father, four couples at church, my oldest and dearest friend, and the pastors at our church. My husband told his mom. There is no other extended family on his side. I have not told my family as I don't want them to hate my husband. My dad cheated on my mom and they divorced despite her attempts to make it work. She is very bitter. And before this happened would make comments about infidelity (don't let husband get vasectomy cause he may cheat, be wary of out of town work cause he has opportunity to cheat, etc). And of course I said he would never do that and just be because dad cheated it doesn't mean every man will.

We have been married 18 years. We have two kids, ages 11 and 14. Husband was tested for STDs and came back negative. I am waiting for my test results but believe they will come back good.

I have talked to his sister and she doesn't feel she did anything wrong, that he would have connected with OW some other way, either FB or by tracking her down. As she said to husband while I listened on the conversation, "I didn't pull your pants down". He called her to let her know that he wouldn't be speaking with her for quite a while and she was very upset. She just doesn't get it. Thankfully the sister and OW live 3 hours away in a different state.

I already told husband that there would be no events with her this year (July 4th, Thanksgiving or Christmas which are the usual times we get together in addition to unplanned events). And he knows he can't go to her house by himself to do a work project at her house. So he gets it for the most part.

Loved reading about obsessing over OW. Been having issues with that. It's hard because I hung out with her for two hours the night of the concert. And she has THE perfect body so myself-esteem is so low right now. Her second husband cheated on her so how could OW do this to someone else after being on the receiving end? I just don't get that! I have hid sister's posts on FB but I haven't un friended her because I want to know what they are up to. I know I've got to stop reading copies of their emails.

Husband wanted to call and apologize and end it with OW so I guess he was still attached at the time he suggested that. I'm sure he wanted to talk and hear her voice. I had told him I would need to be on the line which he didn't like because he thought hearing her would do more harm. But I wasn't going to hear only his side. I mean what if he replied "yes" to one of her questions. I would be clueless. I think he should write a letter and then I will read and mail. He hasn't written it yet. Makes me wonder why he is dragging his feet.

It's just hard to have a "normal day". Unless we are with friends that don't know we end up talking about the A. Sometimes it helps and other times one of us is hurt or upset. One day at a time I guess. We have started counseling but have only had two sessions. I am going to be extremely busy at work soon (tax accountant) so I'd like to move this process along as fast as possible. Plus it hurts so darn much.

I would be sure and call his mother yourself and tell her about the affair. She may not know the full truth. And you are correct, he should not call the OW to end things. Dr Harley recommends sending a no contact letter that I will post below. I would strongly suggest that you get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in it. Most marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and have an 84% failure rate. They are destructive to marriages. Reading SAA can help you avoid taking action on some of the dreadful advice you might get in counseling.

And please un-friend his sister. She is a toxic person who betrayed your marriage in the worst way.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

For Pete's sake, hell yes, he needs to cut this sister out of his life permanently. There's a lot of stuff that happens out there, and we see it all here on these forums, but this is as toxic a relationship as any I've read about, where a sociopathically adulterous sibling actually goes out of her way to facilitate her brother's infidelity.

If she got it & was actually remorseful, that might be one thing; but the very fact that, as you say, the sister remains best friends [or remains friends at all!] with the OW, is all the proof one needs that sister has not a single iota of remorse & doesn't give a starved rat's [censored] for your feelings -- i.e., the feelings of her own brother's wife. My point is that she therefore demonstrably remains a corrupt & toxic influence to this day. So the most important reason for cutting her out of his life altogether & forever isn't schadenfreude for you, nor punishment per se for him; rather, it's got to be a basic, fundamental precaution that he must take & accept for the sake of your emotional protection going forward.

Thanks. Nice to know I am not crazy. Two other questions:

1. My husband has written a no contact letter. I very much want to include a letter of my own. Advisable or not?

2. Should I expose the A to OW's friends and family if it appears that they do not have contact any longer. Won't that be seen as vindictive?

I have bought Surviving an Affair but am waiting for the shipment so I appreciate any answers before it arrives.

I guess it wouldn't hurt.


Absolutely you should expose to them. It is in their best interest to know so they can protect their own marriages. I would do it becuase it is the right thing to do. And if someone chooses to see you as "vindictive," that is their damn problem, not yours.

Feel free to ask as many questions as you want!

Thank you again for your insights. The OW hides her friends list on FB, but I know who her sister is and at one point I found her dad, although I can't remember where. I know another mutual friend of OW and sister, so I can probably get the "word" out.

I don't use FB much. How do you send a private message to someone who isn't your friend?

The sister just wants everyone to be happy regardless of the pain that one person may cause. And she is so proud of herself for not judging others. She is still the OW's best friend as evidenced by the pics posted on FB as they have gone out together at least 3 times since I became aware of the A. My husband now sees how many people's lives are impacted by the decisions of just a few.

It will be hard to keep up the no contact with sister as my son and her son are very good friends. My son likely heard husband and I talking because one night when I was particularly upset, he asked me if Dad cheated. So I told him the truth and he was devastated. I have not told our daughter who is 11. Not sure what to do about that. I feel it will be even more destructive for a daughter to know what her dad did.

I told my husband that if the sister were to see the part she played in this and apologize and no longer be friends with OW, that we could one day be able to let her back into our lives. He said that will never happen and I probably have to agree with him. I just know this will cause a strain between my husband and his father. He doesn't really see or talk to his mom much.

I just don't know how to be "normal" and start depositing love units in our love banks when all we do is talk about the A. We've been having a lot of sex, which my husband is confused about since he thought I wouldn't want to have sex for a long time after finding out. I know how important that was to him and I am trying to please him and I am actually enjoying it too, with a couple exceptions of when I think of them together when we are having sex. I think it helps that he couldn't go all the way with her. Probably out of guilt and if I had not caught the A, that might have changed, as they only met 3 times.

I guess I immediately tried to start working on things when I found out. He thought I was going to kick him out. But I wanted to start immediately on fixing our marriage. So every now and then I become angry and wonder why I am trying so hard to keep a man who hurt me so deeply.

Anyway, not much there in the form of a question, but just needed to get things off my chest. Maybe if I do that here and less to him, we can start getting back to normal. Well I guess not normal because that wasn't working, but better. I have talked to my poor husband for hours on hours and at least he is willing to listen and apologizes so much for what he has done. I guess I need to focus on the positives: the fact that he wants to work it out, has not contacted the OW and listens to me and apologizes for ruining our lives.

Expose to your daughter as well. Also, read the Surviving Affair book if you haven't. Its on Amazon and available on this site. As for no contact with OW, do you have proof other than his word on this?! If not assume there is still contact. I would cut his sister out of your lives period. She has no respect for your marriage and will continue to do so.

That is great.


You go to their fb page and click on "message."


I know the type. Nitwits that can't judge right from wrong and are stupid enough to brag about it. Our prisons are full of such people and that is right where they belong.


Tell your daughter before she finds out on her own. She needs to be told the truth about the source of tension in your family. And if you find that your son's relationship with his cousin prevents you from recovering you are going to have to end that relationship. Your marriage is the most important thing in your son's life, NOT a relationship with his cousin.


Have you told his parents what your creepy SIL has done? I would call them up, give them all the facts, and tell them why you won't associate with the SIL. She is an enemy to your marriage.


STOP talking about the affair. Force yourself to stop. You make it harder to recover when you bring it up. And I would strongly encourage you to get the book Surviving an Affair and the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love and follow the program in there if you want to recover from this.

Having no plan for recovery is a plan to fail. Your marriage is crippled version of the pre-affair marriage and unless you make dramatic changes to your marriage you are looking at repeat affairs. And if you don't create a happy, passionate marriage, your resentment will grow and fester with every passing year. You don't have to let that happen to you!

I have ordered that book and a few others. Sadly we had the "His Needs, Her Needs" book but never read it. There is unfortunately no way to prove a negative- that he is not seeing or talking to OW. She is blocked from his FB, along with his sister and brother-in-law. I have blocked her phone number for texting. I don't know how to block an email. I can track where he is via his phone. And he must answer it whenever I call. I review his texts and emails although I'm sure he's smart enough now to delete the trash folder. She does live 3 hours away, so there is some additional comfort there.

But I realize there are always ways around everything. He could get a new phone, she could drive down here to meet him, he could use a friend's phone. How do you ever know for certain?

I will be sending messages on FaceBook to OW's father, sister and one mutual acquaintance. I know where she works, but have not decided if I should tell her employer as this was not a workplace incident.

MelodyLane- thank you for your support. I texted my father-in-law the basics, but have not talked to him or had any contact with the mother-in-law. Although she too had affairs before her divorce. Both our families are kind of messed up.

I know I need to stop talking about the A. It is so hard. I realize that by talking about it, I just make it worse. One month is enough. Today will be the last day apart from counseling or designated times we set aside!

I have already made drastic changes in my attitude, which has freaked out my husband. Not being negative, being positive, more affectionate, being more interested in sex, and wanting to plan some recreational activities. I even bought myself a 49ers shirt to go along with the jersey I bought him for his birthday, so we can wear them together to the Super Bowl party.

I know it will take time, but I will be working 50+ hour weeks and know I won't have as much time to devote over the next couple of months. I have already reduced my hours and pay so it's not 65+ hour weeks.

In the spirit of football bleh on the jerseys lol. Is your counselor versed with MB? I have seen advice given that marriage counseling while an affair is going on is destructive. Great job on the changes keep cleaning up your side of the street.

He is a Christian counselor at our church. I will be sure to ask him at our next session. We have only had 2 so far, last one cancelled due to weather, and then this week was an off week. So it's been almost three weeks since are last one.

I am doing all that I can do, other than keeping my mouth shut. So good to hear that discovering an affair is similar to PTSD. And that you must relive it to make it seem real. I would never have expected my husband capable of such an act. That will be my goal- not talk about it until our next counseling session on Tuesday.

Thanks everyone!

Make a commitment today to never bring it up again. Once you have all the facts, it should never be brought up anymore. And hopefully your counselor knows about MArriage Builders and does not counsel you together. That is a very destructive practice that will make it harder to recover.


That is great! One of the most important recommendations at Marriage Builders is that a couple schedule 15-20 hours per week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. It takes 15 hours to maintain romantic love and 20-25 to create it.

And be sure and don't talk about it there. It should NEVER EVER be brought up again. That is how you recover. Every time you talk about it, you are both triggered which makes it much harder to recover.

helpneeded, this is what it will take to recover your marriage. Most counselors have no idea how to save a marriage so you if you are presented with any plan outside of this recovery plan, you are probably in trouble. Does the "counselor" have a plan to save your marriage?

I would find a way to do just that. It might take installing spyware on his phone or a keylogger on his computer, but you should have some way of knowing that he is being faithful when you are not looking. This will help you more than anything in creating trust again, and will alleviate your anxiety. Another thing to do is check around and make sure he doesn't have a secret second phone.

It doesn't sound to me like he is still in his affair, but he is very vulnerable right now and contact is very likely to happen.

I will caution you about the facebook page. A blocked person on facebook can be unblocked in about 2 seconds. If he is communicating with her or gawking at her pictures, you would never be the wiser. Just HAVING a facebook page is often enough to trigger a wayward spouse so deleting it is the best solution.

Hi,

Sorry for what has brought you here

Just wanted to say that my H had an A many years ago with someone connected to his FOO and was connected by an IL also.

In my case everyone knew about the A before I did.

I didn't find MB at that time.

PLEASE follow all of the GREAT advice you are getting here. The IL can continue to be a problem....TRUST ME!

You need to tell your daughter ASAP cuz if you dont your son will
(if he hasn't already)