I found out two weeks befoe Xmas that my husband had been having an affair with a coworker since August. I was devastated as we have been married 33 years and I have never had a distrusting thought about him. It was like my life was just taken away from me and the bottom fell out. I told him that I was willing to work on our relationship because we had worked so hard over the 33 years raising a family, I really felt that this was another stumbling block that we needed to work hard to push out of the way. At first, he was apologetic, almost grateful that somene had finally told me and he was exposed. That lasted for two weeks. Then he decided that he really missed this other person and needed to move out. I told him that he would have to tell the kids what his plans were. He did and pulled away in the truck with just about everything that he could cram into the back of it. My heart ached that he would make this decision after all that we had been through- how could this be the end? Later that night, he came into the house, crying and begging to come back. He knew when he pulled out of the driveway that he was making a mistake. I told him that if he would go to counseling and be committed to working on our relationship than he could come back. But the affair had to end. I asked him to quit his job and he said that was something that we could not afford to do. He took a 3 week leave of absence and I took vacation from my job and we went away for one week to think and talk things out. We returned and started counseling, things seemed to be going pretty good. His first day back to work, he came home and seemed fine. The second day, he came home depressed and down. I asked him what the problem was and he said that he had alot on his mind and it was work. The third day, he was worse, and I asked him to talk to me about what he was feeling. He said that it felt like someone had ripped his guts out and he still had feelings for her. As hard as it was for me to hear that he still felt this way, I knew that this is part of ending the relationship and with them together at work this was never going to work unless one of them removed themselves from the job. We continued counseling individually since he was still not sure what to do. We had good days and some bad days when I knew he was focusing on her and not us. This past week, he started to silence his phone- he missed a few of my calls to him, and I called it when he came in and asked him to check his phone to see if he had received a call from me. Oh..that's right, I put the silence on after work so we dont get disturbed with work calls at night. At this point, his lies are getting more pathetic. He changed the contact name of this person in his phone to say OFFICE so that I would not know it was her. It didn't take me long to figure that out. His trips to get cigarettes daily turned out to be contact points with her by phone. A walk with the dog was used for the same. It got to the point that I now feel that he is completely using me and making a fool out of me. I told him last night that he needed to make a choice. It was either me or her and if it was her, that he needed to pack up and leave. The last few weeks I have been doing everything possible to make him feel needed(this was the issue) and do special things daily. We started having dinner together every night, we talked instead of turning on the TV, we went to bed together every night together and walked every night. We were opening up to each other more than ever, (or so I thought). But the lies becoming more and more and the mistrust is something that I dont see changing. So, last night he made a decision to leave, the truck was packed once again and he pulled out of the driveway. I am not as destroyed this time as in the past. I didn't want to make the decision for him- it had to be his, but seeing her while living with me, was not going to work for me. I dont know what will happen at this point, and just am trying to go on and not come apart at the seams. Any advice this point is appreciated.

Welcome,
I'm sorry you are going through what you are, It sounds very similar to my own story.
Have you exposed the affair? I would suggest doing it and doing it right away a full blown exposure, affairs hide in secret, you need to shine a huge light on it if you have any chance of saving your marriage. Make it as tough as you can for them to conduct the affair. Tell the OW's family. Does she have a husband?

Everyone close to him, his bosses, work colleagues everyone.
He will be furious but so what, he will get over it, I would also go see a lawyer and start the ball rolling, show him you are serious and protect yourself.
Put together your requirement list for you to continue in the marriage, and then sit back and watch his life explode and wait for him to come to his senses.
stay here and post it will become a huge source of support and friendship.

For now don't engage in conversations with him you cannot educate a wayward.
Here the experts should be able to help you step by step to help you save your marriage if that is what you want to do.

LH, I'm sorry you're here, and equally sorry you did not arrive here immediately after your first discovery (d-day).

You are going to have to perform what is called a nuclear exposure. As JT explained, this will involve putting together the following:

- All the evidence and "story" you have of their affair - dates, events, etc, etc. I'm getting the feeling you have little "hard" evidence (copies of e-mails, love notes, receipts) so you should get copies of the cell logs and put together a timeline as you know it.

- A comprehensive e-address list of everyone of import to your WH - all family (yours as well), all friends, colleagues, fraternity buddies, etc and, VITALLY IMPORTANT all the coworkers of WH and POSOW, and his management chains, and HR representative.

- A similar list, as well as you can assemble it, for POSOW.

Your husband's lifestyle facilitated his infidelity. Your job is to disrupt (destroy?) as much of that structure as possible.

Start to work on these items. And keep reading articles on this site, and posting here with your questions.

This link is on MelodyLane's sig line. Weekends are slow but they will help you get throug this. It will be scary but it does work.


Exposure 101

LH,

I am sorry this is happening to you and your marriage. You are in the best place to recover your marriage, if that is your choice.

Exposure if the best weapon against affairs. Tell your friends and family, the OW's friends and family, everyone at work.

Is the OW married? If so, ask her husband to give you information about your H and the OW.

If your husband decides to return home, he will need to quit his job first.

Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair"?

AM

OK. He's made his bed, so to speak. Now you need to let him sleep in it. You need to let him experience the consequences of his own bad choices.
Exposure 101 + Plan B.

I ended up confronting him one night when he returned from the convenience store because my gut said he had been in contact with her. He admitted that he had called her and I told him he had to make a decision between me and her that evening. He took some time and then ended up packing his things. For the first time I felt in control and good about standing up for myself and not letting him take advantage of me. I then called her husband- he had called us the week previously to ask questions, so I had his number. When I talked to him and learned everything that I did, I knew that this was a disaster waiting to happen- but his disaster that he had to realize on his own. My husband was gone for 4 days and without my knowing, her husband called him and talked to him about her. The fact that he was being used and taken advantage of, the lies that she had told him about where she was at times, broke his fantasy apart. He said that he knew that he was not wanting to stay with her after he moved out- but I know that the phone call and the hurt he felt pushed him further out of her place. He quit his job as I would not let him return without this happening. He is currently looking for a job. There is no way that working together would ever work and I knew that, but he was not willing to do it before. We are now working on our relationship daily and trying to talk about our feelings as we move through the next chapter.

We had started to read this book as our marriage counselor suggested it. Of course I read the entire book being the hurt partner. It took him a little longer to want to read the book as his head was not completely in it at first. Reading the book now that the decision has been made to be together- makes the information more valuable.
He had to quit his job and I am so thankful for her husband reaching out to my husband and sharing his experiences with him. He probably would not have believed it if I was the one relaying the information. For my husband to talk to him, hear his sincerity, and know that the person she created him to be was not true, made the difference. We are now working on the trust, which I know will take some time to recoup, but we are willing to do what it takes. He is probably going to struggle with new emotions, being unemployed and he says he feels like a failure at this point. I have my own emotions to struggle with as this has gone back and forth and I need to know that he is in it for the duration.

Which book are you reading? Is the marriage counselor familiar with Marriage Builders?