I've been a lazy selfish freeloader for all of my marriage. I haven't done a very good job of following the marriage builders program. My wife gets upset at me quite often and wants me out of the house. I have problems responding to her in a kind and caring way when she is upset. There is zero romance in our marriage.

There are lots arguments over household chores that I'm not completing.

Where do I start to make a change to our marriage?

Start here: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

And then pick up the books His Needs, Her Needs and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. Read the books and follow the program and you can change your marriage.

Where do you start? I am confused why you can�t see the answer.

You start by doing this:
You do a superb job of following the MB program.

That will help you to ...
- stop being a lazy, selfish freeloader.
- respond to her in a kind and caring manner EVEN when she�s upset.
- do your part to create romance.
- stop arguing over household chores and do those chores.

It really is that simple. You do your part.

First you read about Emotional Needs and Love Busters. Stop the the Love Busters. Then you go to you wife with the attitude taht YOU have been doing many things wrong and YOU need to change. I am sure there are some things you would like her to change but now is not the time. She has to see you change before she is going to want to.

You go up to your wife and say I have been thinking about what you are saying, and I think you are right. I have not been fulfilling my role as a husband.

There are a number of things you have been asking me to do and I found this great website that can help us prioritize what I need to be doing and also how best for me to do it.

What do you think about filling this out and then us discussing it?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Then you go over it and do not argue with it, just ask questions.
So if she wants you to do more housework, don't say but I do alot, say "Let's make a list of chores that I can do.'

Also, when she is not upset, say to her, "I know I can come across as not coming across kind and caring when you are upset. I would like to work on that. What are some things I can do to make you feel more cared for?" But first, quit upsetting her!

I have to do my part and I haven't. I have been unemployed since mid-October. My wife has told me once I get a job, I'm out of the house. She has listed a bunch of stuff to do and ways to act toward her. What should I prioritize?

I love this thread!

Have you any idea how far ahead just by saying you are a lazy, selfish freeloader? That's like the person who shows up to his or her first AA meeting saying 'I am an alcoholic'. You are already half way and the toughest part is behind you.

What first? Make a list of your lovebusters and promise yourself you will never do any of them again. Nothing else works while there are lovebusters in your marriage.

Lovebusters

Do you mean she wants you to leave once you get a job?

They are all #1. Seriously. You can't pick and choose.

If you simply prioritize her ENs your LoveBusters will continue to destroy any love your need meeting may be providing.

If you simply prioritize your LoveBusters she'll probably think you're less of a thug but she still won't gain any loving feelings for you.

We need more details please.

How long have you been married?
Any children?
What did you do to fall in love?
How educated are you in the ways of MB?

Would you mind sharing the list and we can give you ideas on how to fit it all in.

We have been married 8 years. We have 4 children. We were friends for many years before we were married. Everything stopped for her. She would be a priority over other things in my life.

For a long time now, she has been trying to find ways to make our marriage better. About four years ago, she found marriagebuilders. I have read the website, read "buyers, renters and freeloaders", bought the book "her needs, his needs" (haven't read it) and even had some sessions with Steve Harley.

So she wants you out of the house. Is that regardless of any current actions you may take (aka she's done?)? What is she saying other than she wants you out?

Was her statement of wanting you out what brought you to post on this forum? I�m curious what has stopped you from doing the necessary things to nurture your M?


Show us the list and explain what you have been doing and/or why you haven�t been doing the things that are on it.

Not doing chores wouldn't necessarily make you a freeloader.

What besides that defines you as one?

She feels that I don't care enough to make the lasting changes to address my issues. That she is upset about the things I do (or not do) and it frustrates her and she wants to get away from me all the time. At my wife's request to get help on this forum, I came and posted.

I talked with my wife and she gave me the list. It was a good conversation until I wasn't listening to a point she was making in response to something that I said (one of the lovebusters).

Here is the list:

- not completing my chores
- cleaning the washrooms
- cleaning the kitchen
- wiping the kitchen table
- putting away the scrubbie pad
- laundry - doing the stains

- moodiness
- "PA" behaviour
- the way I talk to her
- the look on my face when we are having some conversations
- checking up after me to see if I've completed something that I said I was going to do
- angry outburst
- losing jobs and not getting better ones

With the chores, I'm slow and get distracted easily from doing them.

Wtih the way I react to my wife when she is bringing up issues, I get stressed and react poorly.

Lastly, with losing the jobs, I am not well organized and don't prioritize well

It says to me domestic support is a very imporatant need for her....I would read up on domestic support in HNHN ... DEFINITELY read Lovebusters about the bad habits you built before and during your marriage that are causing her lovebank to drain.

I am a woman. I don't like doing housework, but I do it.

That being said......I would not be pissed at a husband who didn't do all the things you listed.

I think there that angry outbursts would make me upset, losing jobs (financial support) would make me upset, a man being disrespectful and or angry would upset me. (those are, by the way, lovebusters).

Focus on having a good job.
Focus on being kind in conversation with her.

Domestic Support is not usually in a woman's top five emotional needs.

Usually they are:
Admiration or possible Family Commitment
Financial Support
Conversation
Honesty and Openness
Affection

Domestic support is not commonly among a woman's top five.


Do not focus on the chores until you get the other two in line.

- you got distracted while she was talking to you, allthough you were really interested in what she wanted to tell you
- she complaines that you don't complete chores
- you say you get distracted easily
- you lose jobs
- she has to check up on you if you do the things you say
- moodiness
- angry outbursts
- you are not well organized and
- you don't prioritize well

It could of course be a coincidence but it could also be that you suffer from ADHD. Have you ever considered that? Please look it up on the internet and take a good look at yourself. If not than go ahead with MB best you can.

If you have ADHD treatment will make 80% from your wifes complaints go away probably. And also you will have less trouble losing jobs. Please look into this, I speak from experience.

God bless, Happyheart

I should explain further. For the last 6 months, I haven't had a driver's license. My wife has had to do all the shopping, run all the errands, drive the kids to their activities, drive me to appointments. That was in addition to doing all the laundry, cleaning up around the house and taking care of our four children (they are home schooled), buying all the clothes, all the presents (plus wrapping), taking care of the front lawn, plus lots of other things. I haven't been doing my chores for years and has become a source of bitterness and resentment. It has become a large focus because I haven't been doing my part. When I was working, my wife would take care of the kids and keep the kitchen clean. I would come home, make dinner and mess the kitchen and not clean it before leaving for work the next morning. I've been off work and I still haven't kept the kitchen clean.

A big issue in our marriage has been my wife's SF need. I haven't been pursuing her or romancing her nor meeting her sexual needs. Over the years, there have been many fights over this need. My testosterone levels were checked a couple of years age and I was found to have low t. I've done nothing about it.

More to follow later.

I should also say that my wife didn't need any romance or pursuing her to want to have sex. She just needed me to be there to make love to her. And I just wasn't there for her which have caused the fighting and upset.

Why don't you have your driver's license? Why are you so irresponsible and uncaring? Its great your wife is providing the inventory, she must care somewhat. It seems like your wife had to go to considerable effort to provide the information in order for you to at least provide this list to us. She's exhausted and disheartened. She needs a life partner and a lover NOT another child to care for. She's not your mommy.

What are you going to do? You have experienced serious losses so far ie job, probably your reputation, your wife's love/respect towards you, maybe your children's respect. What will it take to motivate you to step up? YOU have to stop this spiral. You are an adult. You can learn and take action steps here to help you.

Dude:

You don't have a job.
You don't help around the house. Normally if one spouse works, the other spouse takes of the house.
You don't meet her SF need.

So she is asking herself, what are you bringing to the marriage?
From her point of view, nothing at all.
And bless her heart, she is trying to use MB to improve things.

Dude: She is giving you a chance! You must take it!

I agree with happyheart...Look into ADHD or depression or something as soon as you can. Ask your wife to make you an appt so you don't put it off.

Because pretty soon you will be with no car no house no wife no job no kids.