Hey there.

We were married at the end of 2002, but for the past six years my spouse has been emotionally checked out of our marriage. We have done almost nothing together--we haven't even taken a holiday together since 2003. Anything we have tried to do together has resulted in my spouse complaining the whole time.

So, my spouse and I just did the Recreational Enjoyment Inventory and our scores are almost completely out of sync. The other thing we both scored highly is swimming, but my spouse loves public pools, while I am allergic to chlorine, and I love the ocean and my spouse has a near phobia of it.

Has anyone ever had virtually nothing whatsoever in common, to the point where the things you love most your spouse hates and vice versa, and made things work out?

What did you do when you were dating?

And for the record, my DH and I spend 15+ hours per week together and we also came up virtually empty handed on the RC survey. We spend our time together going out to eat, shopping and going for long rides.

We didn't really date, as such. We had a long distance relationship and a short engagement. So we spent a lot of time on the phone or computer. We would talk on the phone for up to 14 hours at a time (all night), we played games and did quizzes together online, and we emailed each other as well. When we were together we went for walks, watched movies (a little bit), roller bladed, swam, and played board games. After marriage we did all the above, plus we traveled together and spent weekends in hotels.

We did occasional activities like racquetball and mini golf and stuff every so often, too. But my spouse simply has no interest in doing anything with me anymore, no matter what it is. However, my spouse will spend copious amounts of time doing things with others.

There you go! Those are some good activities for you.


That is because she has fallen out of love due to your incompatible lifestyle. You can't sustain the love in a marriage when you neglect it like this. She CAN fall in love again if you can sell her on this program.

Do you have the book His Needs, Her Needs?

Are you actually married? Did you live together before marriage?

I do have the book. I've been trying for years to reach her. I've done everything. We just started the book, though. We will go through all the questionnaires and see.

Been married for ten years. Never lived together or slept together beforehand.

You've done everything you could think of. This site and the helpful books of Dr Harley will give you so much more than what you thought was everything. It will give you a plan.

I hope so! So far I've done all of it before, because the book's contents were explained to me a year ago. But it was one-sided. This time I am insisting she goes through stuff with me.

Has anyone else found enjoyment together even though they don't share the same interests almost at all?

What did you do when you were dating?

Well, you haven't tried this program or anything close to it. The issue is that you and your wife have neglected your marriage, so naturally, you grew apart. And almost ALL of us have found enjoyment together even though it SEEMED we shared no interests. You just have to be creative and find what those are. Compatibility does not happen by accident, but by design.

Dr Harley and Mrs Harley are a shining example of a couple who were polar opposites who have a very satisfying, integrated lifestyle.

And Dr Harley would recommend that you STOP your singular activities until you find mutual activities that you both love.

This article might help you:

Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible

hi blue. there is good news for you. firstly, MB can put your relationship in a much better place!

secondly, yes, my husband and i have NOTHING in common. he likes cars, i love horses. he hates horses and i'm ambivalent about cars. i love to read, he's a tv watcher. i like to *do* things (walk, kayak, swim, play tennis or whatever), he prefers activities where the person is sitting down (drag racing and other car-related sports). (this could go on & on: i have an advanced degree, he is a tradesman, etc, but i think you get the point.)

because we are so different, we were pretty miserable, even though we thought we fine (haha!) just spending our time doing what we liked separately. however, POUA allow us to spend time together trying out stuff we've never done, doing things the other likes (reciprocally - we may find we enjoy it after all!), and finding common ground. for example, while my husband doesn't like to horseback ride, he will happily go to the mall and out to lunch. while i'd *rather* horseback ride, i will also happily go shopping & do lunch. so we spend our time together doing things we can both enjoy with each other.

we just returned from a short holiday, and while i'd would have, in my dream vacation, spent the time kayaking & swimming (in the south island of nz), the time we spent together doing things we could both enjoy have given me happy feelings and memories for the time we spent together. in the end, it didn't matter that i didn't do those *things* specifically. what mattered was that we spent heaps of UA time enjoying *each other.*

by doing these things together for substantial chunks of time, our M is happier than it has ever been. i can't believe we so foolishly lived for so long in a miserable state.

don't get me wrong, it isn't all pie in the sky & roses. but we are miles happier than we ever were before, and i credit it all to MB (and the good folks here, who have been an incredible resource). we really didn't know how to have a good, happy, in-love M before i read dr harley's books and found this site. it *does* work.

i've just read my post, and don't want it to seem that you give up what you like and do things you don't like (if my post does seem that way to y'all).

the point is to spend time together doing stuff you can BOTH enjoy. experimenting is half the fun! it's like dating all over again :P

Thanks, all.

I finished reading the book today. I like most of it. There are definitely many positive points in the book, for sure. We'll see how we go. Unfortunately, our problems go much deeper than just a lack of time together. Maybe I'll start another thread.

Keep to one thread please.


That's why UA time isn't just about spending time together.


Some of those needs seem like a far leap but you have to start somewhere if you�re to close the gap on where you need to be.

Where have you or where will you spend your efforts in completing this task of UA time?

Do you know what your LoveBusters are?

TCB,
I've been on this site now 3 years. I have read Dr Harley's books HNHN, Lovebusters and others now several times. I also regularly listen to MB radio and participate in his on-line program, receive coaching, the whole MB sha-bang. At a glance the program can seem simple. I know my husband and I had neglected our marriage for years (married 33) and had grown apart. My husband especially rationalized his independent behavior due to our so-called incompatibility as though this was a hard and fast fact that would never change. Plus its really uncomfortable at first to spend so much time together when there is seemingly so little to do. Its so much easier to fall back to the independent behaviors (IB) we are in the habit of doing. But this is a continuation of a death role you have been following. Again, I participated in this death role for 33 years and it wrecked havoc on all elements of our lives. You have to stop. MB program will assist you and your spouse. It may at first glance appear simple but its in fact stealth and affective when followed.

Hi Blue and welcome to MB!

My H and I are also complete opposites, I couldn't imagine how we could possibly be able to this whole UA time thing! To be honest I wasn't all that enthusiastic about it either.

I didn't really even think it was going to work. Melody mentioned what they did, (dinners, long car rides, and shopping) and I realized that we could do that too and enjoy it!

It doesn't have to be BIG elaborate activities. You can keep it simple. Just make sure that it is just the two of you, keep it enjoyable, really talk and LISTEN to your spouse, it works like magic! Another tip, leave your cell phones OUT of the date. It can be a distraction, and annoying.

Try not to get too hung up on all that you could be doing if you had more common interests, or even if you had things you used to do together, that won't work now. You should both be completely honest with each other and work until you have your plans for the week.

My H and I used to go out bowling years ago, my H loves to bowl, and I would enjoy the outing, just being silly and having fun with it. When I asked my H if he'd like to go bowling, he told me that he actually didn't enjoy doing that with me because I am terrible (100% true hahaha) and no competition for him.

I had NO IDEA at all that he had absolutely hated this.... well anything involving a ball and me actually .... all bad, so although it was yet another thing scratched off our list, no problem! We just keep it simple and stick to what we BOTH enjoy.