I would caution anyone from blindly following the advice of exposing to everyone on a person's facebook friends list. I did this the other day to my wife's affair partner. In counselling with Steve (afterwards), he told me that was not what he recommends. It is easy to get worked up and think you're doing something that's going to help solve a problem but end up going way too far and looking crazy. I personally regret doing it now. The MB program recommends exposing but not recklessly, only to certain people that matter.

What specifically did Steve say?

Person, Dr Harley does advocate Facebook exposures. He has addressed this on the radio. It is one of the best ways to kill an affair. Dr Harley suggests making the affair public and this is an excellent way to achieve that.

Having an affair is reckless; there is nothing "reckless" about exposing an affair. Exposure is therapeutic and good.

When exposing to the OP's contacts there is no concern about exposing to "those who matter" nor is there usually any way to know. We would have no reason to care if exposure targets on the OPs end "matter" because the goal is to run the OP off.

I would caution YOU against trying to get people not to expose, person. FB exposure is one of the BEST weapons to end an affair and I highly doubt that you were told not to.

It is always advised to expose far and wide and to anyone within reach who has influence on the wayward or AP to get pressure put on the affair.

WOW!!!

You know exposure is the single most important tool for ending an affair - ended my wife's affair stone cold in a week. It's incomprehensible to me that a proven effective technique would be discouraged by anybody. I know Dr Harley has recommended telling everyone and even exposure on a billboard. Exposing via facebook is NOT reckless.

Despite Steve saying HE doesn't recommend it I guess the question is DID IT WORK?

Hmm. Person90210 has made one post. M'k. Agenda much?

The return of...a certain user perhaps?

Well, it may have worked to end the affair, I don't know yet. Steve said he recommends being more "surgical". The problem is some of the contacts were shared so I ended up exposing to people in my wife's life who really shouldn't be involved. I don't know, I'm just sad tonight because it is now a few days after the exposure and she is saying she is moving ahead with divorce. I'm also being seen as a bit "crazy" or "psycho" now. My wife told me she is afraid of me if I could send that information to so many random people.

Yes exposure is the main way to end an affair. I'm not saying people shouldn't expose.

I recommend that you start your own thread and remove this post from this one. People will help you in your own thread.

The likelihood is that your wife has no intention of ending her affair and is using your exposure to justify staying in it. If that's not the case, then in a few days she will calm down and stop threatening you. You didn't expect her to be pleased about exposure, did you? Her anger is to be expected. Your wife is embarrassed, as she should be.

What reason did Steve give for not exposing to OM's entire contact list? How does he suggest you be "surgical" with OM's contacts, whom you do not know?

What people in your wife's life "really shouldn't know"? How does she have shared friends with OM who "really shouldn't know"? What harm can it do for their shared friends to know?

This really does not make sense and I suspect that you are panicking. And as you say, you do not know if this has ended the affair, so won't you be pleased if it does?

Yes, she said the same thing EVERYONE says when an affair is exposed. Did you expect to get roses? The purpose of exposure is to save your marriage, not to get some fantasy approval from a falling down drunk. Affairees ARE angry about exposure and threaten divorce. That is an expectation. I told you this would happen in my Exposure 101 thread.

The more angry she is, the greater the impact of the exposure.

And the way Dr Harley recommends to expose is to make the affair public. That is what works. It is ridiculous to believe you can be "surgical" with an OP when you don't know who will have the greatest impact. Since exposure is such a positive effort, it is best to do as many people as possible on the OP's side.

I have notified the moderators to take this off my Exposure thread, which is meant to be a help thread, not a personal story thread.

Yes exposure is the main way to end an affair. I'm not saying people shouldn't expose. [/quote]

Why would this be a problem? I am not following your logic here.


Did you do this to get approval from infidels or did you do it to save your marriage? What you did was the equivalent of taking the booze away from a falling down drunk. Do you expect her to be happy?

As far as I can see, you had a very successful exposure. You just had unrealistic expectations.

Person,

If your wife thinks her affair is so wonderful, why wouldn't she want to celebrate with everyone she and OM know?

She is embarassed that people know she is a liar and a cheat.

AM

You do not expose just the OM. You did well buy reaching those exra WW people because if WW was doing nothing wrong then WW should not be mad at them for finding out that she is banging the OM.

All WW's always come at there BH with both barrels blazing when they find out that their BH has exposed their affair.

The anger is to intimitate their BH into not exposing any more.

The WW will say things such as I was going to stop seeing the OM, or I was thinking of giving you a 2nd chance, then there is the no way I will come back to you now that you did this.

As the WW calms down, and the effects of exposure takes place she wil have to admit to herself that what she did was wrong.

Exposure works most of the time. Most is not every time. The few times exposure does not work is because the WW had made the decision to leave her BH for the OM. The WW for whatever reasons has not filed for divorce or moved in full time with the OM has nothing to do with whether a WW has no intentions to recover the marriage, but to what meets her needs and her time table.

From what I hvae read here the insight on Steve to me, he tends to be very sutle in the way he advises people and I think that is his way to get the BS's WS to be more willing to do a phone session.

Most people that come here do not have the financial resources to use phone counseling with the Harleys. They have to stand at the front line at fight this alone (Yes people at headquarters, MB posters, send helpfull info) without a Harley at their side.

This is why BS's need to do a full blown exposure just the way you did.

I have only seen half burro exposures go wrong. Half burro exposures almost never kill an affair.

I love how ALL waywards will turn it around to make the victim the bad guy. It is a manipulation tactic to distract you from the real issue...the affair.


Personally, I am afraid of someone who will lie to my face and sneak around behind my back.


It is early days and her reaction is expected. Never apologize for speaking the truth and asking for support during a painful and devastating time in your life.

I cannot find a forum post where YOU were advised to do anything at all. This is your first post. So, why complain about advise that was not directed towards you?

I am waiting & wondering if you are going to post a question, or something else we might help you with.
If you are only on the forum to debate, please let us know now.

Thanks.

Thanks for your help, I will come back and discuss more. You are all making very good points. I am struggling with the fact that she says she wants to leave me regardless of whether the affair is continuing or not. We went through MB 7 years ago when she had an affair and I thought we'd both learned and changed. Its hard to hear about all the ways I'm not a good husband, on top of finding a new affair, on top of the fact that she is determined to leave regardless now.

I didn't come here just to debate. I do need help and I'll come back when I'm not at work. I should just connect these posts to my original account, I used to be 'normalguy' years ago.

Here is your old thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2704917&#Post2704917

And here is an earlier thread:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=133530&Number=1646618#Post1646618

I bumped it. You may want to start posting there again

My man, youre married to a 2-time loser. A special designation like a long term affair (such as my wife's) in my book.

Bravo on the FB exposure, that must have been terrific.

You need to solve the mystery as to what keeps her seeking male companionship outside of you.

With such a successful exposure under your belt you can move swiftly into the next stage of this. You become the best husband you can be letting her anger bounce off you and seeking a whole bunch of alone time with her. "My only goal is to save our marriage and I used the only method I know to restart our life together. Now, Im making omlettes for breakfast, cheddar or american cheese in yours?"

THIS is your problem, not exposure. You are deflecting your panic to the wrong source. Your wife has already had an affair and supposedly used MB, and here she is in another affair, knowing how it wrecked you last time and knowing that this is the most destructive and uncaring way to deal with her complaints about the marriage. Judging by this behaviour, she is not committed to her marriage and she is not committed to you.

She is not marriage material, and that is why she is threatening to leave whether the affairs ends or not. Exposure is not your problem; your philandering wife is the real threat to your marriage, and you are more afraid that she'll leave you than you are determined to stand up for a proper marriage.