It's been over 3 weeks since my dday. Long story short, my husband had sex with a 28 year old prospective client (single mother with 2 kids).My WH is an insurance advisor and as part of the job he meets clients at their homes. Unfortunately, on 27 Nov 2012, he went to see this wh*re and according to him, during the meeting this sl*t started flirting with him. Take note that was the first and only meeting. My husband said she kissed him first and then he obviously gave in and the unthinkable happened. He told me her full name but not where she lives. I googled her name and looked for her in the yellow pages as well as FB hoping to see what she looks like. I asked my husband that him and I would go for a drive by at the sl*t's address because part of me really wants to know and see for myself who she is. My husband thinks this is a bad idea. I feel like I can't move on without knowing who she really is. I am thinking of hiring a PI to get the information that I need. Am I going over the top?

By the way, this is the first time my husband has cheated. I am still going thru roller coaster of emotions as a result of his stupidity. We are undergoing MC and I am hoping to recover from this tragedy stronger. But it has been a very hard road so far.

Its very early AM. Veteran posters will be along soon to help you. For now welcome to marriage builders and I'm sorry you are going thru this crisis. This is the best resource to help you recover and become stronger. Look around the site. Check the advice other betrayed spouses receive when they begin to post.

There are very specific steps to take to manage this situation. Its great your husband has been open about this ONS and told you about it. He's going to need to be completely honest and tell you everything you want to know. I'm not sure if its a bad or good idea for you to be able to see this woman. Again veterans will help you later here.

Another very helpful resource is the marriage builders radio show. You can even call into the show or email a question to Dr Harley and he will answer it on air. You can sign up to listen to archived shows too which helps to answer questions you have or will have. Also Dr Harley has a book called Surviving an Affair you will want to purchase. And if you go to the articles page at the top you will find several articles on the affair subject. I know he talks about ONS in his book. You really can't ask for a better system to grow from.

I would suggest you post a little more information about yourself. How old are you and your husband? How long married? Children and ages. Have you exposed this ONS to others like friends, family, children, husbands boss and co-workers?

How did you find out about his infidelity?

No, you're not going over the top. That's actually not an unreasonable step at all. You have nothing to go on but his word, and for the time being, his word has been proven worthless. It is entirely appropriate that you take steps, without his knowledge, to verify what he has told you & is telling you. You can't feel emotionally safe until you are reasonably confident that you've got the full story from him.

Welcome, Betrayed. I am very sorry to hear this story.

You are right that this woman is a whore and a slut, but what does that make your H? The trouble for you is that a woman offered instant sex and he took her up on that. (My understanding is that a lot of men would have done the same, according to research). Your husband's job, which involves visiting women in their homes, makes this behaviour possible and easy.

There will be no way for you to recover your marriage from this threat unless your H changes jobs so that he cannot be in that position again. He might be able to stay in the insurance business, but he will have to stop visiting people altogether. You will also need to have access to his work-based email account so that you can see the interactions that he has with clients. If his company will not allow off-site access to his account, he will need to leave them altogether.

I speak from experience, because my H stopped the travelling that facilitated his affair with a women who lives in a nearby country, but he stayed with the organisation which allows no off-site access to its email accounts. I therefore could not check his emails, and lived with the suspicion that he and OW were in contact for the remaining years of his employment (5 years longer than their last physical contact). I was proved right when he was about to retire in 2011, and posted to her for the first time ever from our home PC. That posting showed that they had had sporadic email contact for the previous 5 years, and were planning to meet after he and her husband retired.

If your H does not tell you willingly who this woman is, change his job so that he is no longer working off-site, change organisations so that the workplace link between them is broken, let you have access to his phone and open his email account for you to check whenever you like, then you can't save your marriage.

This is a harsh picture but I've lived it and know that this is the only way.

What advice is your MC giving for you to recover your marriage from the affair? Is she trying to get you and your H to "communicate", and is she trying to get you to trust your H? Is she insisting on any changes in your H's job, and on transparency about email and phones from now on?

How long have you been married, and how old are your kids? Has either of you been married before? How old are you both?

How did you find out about the affair?

This is quite possibly not his first affair. Since he took an opportunity so readily, and since he has undoubtedly been in this situation before, you should be prepared to learn that he has had other affairs.

By all means hire a PI, whether he gives you more details or not. Whatever you discover about this woman and your H's possible continuing involvement with her would be worth any money you spend. You have the right to know the truth about your own marriage - there is no such thing as being over the top.

You and your H both need to have STD tests and no sex until the results come back clean. Do you think your H had a condom in his wallet (and if so, why?) or that Slutbag ran up to her bathroom to get him one, before they got down to it? This is highly unlikely, and a cheap woman like that could have picked up anything from anywhere. And as you should know, condoms are not the answer to all STD transmission- so get both of you tested right now.

You need to get a lot tougher with your H than accepting what seems like ineffective MC (you'd be feeling more progress by now, if your MC was taking you through positive steps to recover the marriage) and accepting his refusal to tell you what you have the right to know. How dare he put limits on your rights, and why would you accept that?

This is not meant to sound harsh; I am trying to make you demand more from your H and sent conditions for the marriage to continue.

It really doesn't add up that he took her up on an offer of sex just like that. But that he also claims he has never behaved like this before. His version of a one-off lapse in morals is possible but unlikely.

He's either easily led into sex by women, which would suggest it would have happened more than once.

Or he's fallen into an emotional/physical affair with this client and he's drip feeding you only parts of the truth to ease his conscience.

Most affairs start by talking. He is also protecting her by not revealing details.

I would make it perfectly clear that you expect full disclosure, all her details and all the info relating to their A. I would also ask that he presents his phone bill and credit card bills for your scrutiny. Make it clear you are considering a trial separation at least.

If he isn't fully open, honest and compliant, make it known you take a dim view of his chances of staying with you.

I strongly encourage you to read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley

The title of your thread is 'still obsessing...' 3 weeks after DDay is just the beggining, the road to recovery after an affair can take 2-5 years.


You are getting your information from a man who cannot be trusted right now. The information that this was their first meeting came from...him? His account of what happened also sounds a little fishy, set up in a way that makes him sound like the victim. I would assume for now at least that you do not have the full story.


What your husband 'thinks' is irrelavant. Your WH thinks this is a bad idea, because he knows that it will impact HIM more if you know. He is protecting her and protecting himself, not protecting you, the victim of his crime.


How can you be sure of this? I would recommend having him take a polygraph as one of the conditions to recover with him following his infidelity.

I'm assuming your WH told you this?

I have heard these same words out of my WH mouth, and you will find this is common "talk". The LAST thing you want to even consider is that your WH has done this before.

I believed my WH for a while, like so many others. Then I got smart and demanded a poly. You should have seen the look on his face!

Your WHs job puts him in a perfect position to do this sort of thing, just like my WHs job did.

A polygraph is the only way you will know the truth.

I concur. My H had a traveling job. He came clean about his infidelities when I threatened a poly (which he did end up taking even though he came clean before it).

You don't want to believe it is possible. But the fact that it was possible once, means it is possible multiple times. You cannot recover from infidelity without knowing the full extent of it.