Im curious to find a MB friendly counselor. Ive read the article on the website but something that keeps coming up in my search for a local marriage counselor is emotional focus therapy or cognitive behavior therapy. Most say they're similar theories to reach the same goal through different vehicles or methods. I disagree. Im curious if anyone knows if Dr Harley is favorable to one or the other or if I'd be better served finding a mb friendly counselor in one realm over the other. I need someone smarter than me to help guide me in this matter to help me find a local counselor that is MB friendly. Thanks.

Remind us please why you won't use the MB coaching centre?

Your best bet is to write to Dr Harley via the radio show to get the expert's view on this question.

Wife wants face to face time

Have you tried MB coaching? Your wife might decide she likes it. Marriage counseling has poor success rate.

She's not interested in online or telephone counseling. Believe me I've tried.

What is her reason for wanting to go to a counselor?

Face to face counseling

What does she need to see a counselor about?

Her lack of desire/passion. She believes feelings of desire/passion is the first step towards sexual intimacy. She's done 'duty sex' in the past and won't do it anymore. She thinks MB is 'fake it til ys make it'. She's read SAA and done the first 25% of the seminar video witj Dr harley. She doesn't like the UA time commitment for our current situation twins, underemployment, study, illness, life in general. I feel like Job most days

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=166570&Number=2704037#Post2704037

You really need to give people the full information -- you have a history of leaving information out and starting new threads. She is a WW has broken NC several times and is not onboard with MB or anything that resembles recovery.

If she doesn't like the MB program, are you thinking she will like it more if she's face to face with the counselor?

Her actions come across as someone who is hoping to find a counselor to validate her actions, rather than coach her in a plan to build a better marriage.

It comes across as she wants to feel without doing. She wants someone to tell her "you go girl" "you deserve some happiness" and tell her she is justified in her behavior due to some reason from the past (fill in the blank)

I reserve the right to be wrong. But the basic question still stands. If she doesn't like the program, then how is going face to face with someone who will lead you through the program going to make her like it any more?

Personally, I think this is a non-negotiable here. If she wants to restore the marriage. (IIRC she's a WW) then it has to be your way. At this time, I would not trust her to make good choices when it comes to how to recover your marriage.

It's a boundary situation. Are you willing to go to someone who is ineffective, or are you willing to say you would rather let her go than to get bad advice, sweep this under the rug and face the same scenario down the road because you guys didn't learn how to build a successful marriage?

I've read through your recovery thread and it doesn't appear that you are following Dr Harley's recovery plan.
If his recovery plan is not followed exactly, your recovery will fail.

I don't think you are in recovery

I 2nd what Ex and Jedi are saying.

Hopeful, she's driving the bus. You need to boot her from the seat and grab the wheel. Otherwise Plan Mrs. Hopeful will keep your M where it's at ... unrecovered and void of romantic love.



I've heard others, including myself, use that phrase. The rhyming part of it makes it sound neat but ...

Love is an action. MB is an action based plan. You achieve romantic love by giving and receiving of actions. So I would use this statement:

You aren't faking anything!!!



That�s because she doesn�t put the marriage first. She isn�t interested in recovery for whatever reason. She�s gonna flounder around forever until you take the wheel. You deserve to be priority #1. So much so you have to insist on it. It should be one of your conditions for staying married.

I see the main problem here as a lack of boundaries on the part of Hopefulhubby. This WW has shown no interest whatsoever in recovery and seems to be along for the free ride. No amount of counseling will make that better, in fact, it will make it worse if the counselor validates her callous, cold behavior.

Agreed.

I am sorry to 2x4 you HH but it is very hard to watch a BS ignore the advice they have gotten here -- and instead try to cajole their WS into recovery over a period of many month/years when the WS continues their thoughtless and selfish behavior.

You have already gotten good advice on the other thread, I would go back and follow the plan laid out there rather than trying to put a band-aid on the problem.

Let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I'm to the point where I'm convinced Marriage Builders principles ARE the answers to our marriage woes. I'm looking for help to approach and persuade my wife to join WITH me in using MS principles. She's 100% against it as we tried the home study course for a few weeks
She believes MB is "fake it until you make it". She wants face to face counseling. We've been through counselors already and things are just improving slowly. How can I find a pro-MB live counselor in the area I live?

Also I'm trying to find an excerpt from Harley about how marital recovery requires both partners meeting each others needs. Not that the pendulum should swing in one direction or the other based off the other persons indiscretions. Basically not punishing the other spouse and holding them hostage in the marriage to avoid meeting needs. I read it in a Harley book or on the forums here a whole ago and I just can't find it.

Did your wife ever end her affair? I'm having trouble finding the answer to that in your history.
Is NC firmly established?
Is there transparency?

Yes no contact has been established for 6 months now.

Hopeful

As you may already know that most marriage counselors is give you less of a chance of doing well then not seeing one at all. If you and your wife are willing to pay for a counselor then I would invest in the marriage builders accountability program instead which is more affective then a typical marriage counselor. I would email mbradio@marriagebuilders.com to find out if there are any face to face marriage coaches in your area that uses the MB principles but Dr. H has not found face to face to be any more affective then over the phone coaches.