So this is my first post with my marriage story. Almost finished reading all three books and hope I still have time to save my marriage. Need help to start to implement both plan A and meet my wife�s emotional needs.
Ok, been married 9.6 years, 2nd for me and 1st for her. One son, 9 and a step daughter, 14 in March. Wife is a Flight Attendant, 8 years. For the first 7 years of our marriage we meet each other needs. 2.6 years ago we moved 1000 miles from home for a transfer. Wife changed airlines 2.5 years ago and is now gone 4 -5 days a week and sometimes two or more. Prior to the change was home most every night but late. I was unhappy with the move, and she started working away from home more and more.
June 24th was the "I don't love you anymore and want a divorce" day. Since that time she has worked more, been home less. For the first six months I read all kinds of things and settled on the 180 plan from MB. Since my wife was gone all the time it was pretty easy. Still didn't help, she was alienating the kids by not coming home and I could not make any progress. Failed several times by pushing her to do something, counseling or go file for divorce. She went to counseling for two sessions and quit saying we were over and nothing would change that fact. I continued to go and still am seeing a counselor.
Her issues with me are: emotional neglect, and jealously/controlling behavior related to her job. I have worked on these issues throughout my counseling sessions. My kids have noticed the change in me and have told my wife that Dad is different and better. She has acknowledged that something is different.
In early January I found out that she was having a PA/EA for most of last year. She could only have this affair because of her job. Has to fly to meet him. When I confronted her with the evidence she would not confirm nor deny. Evidence is emails between both, talking about the relationship, both physical and emotional. At that time I found Marriage Builders as I was looking for help with the affair. Ordered all three books started reading. Stopped everything while I was reading.
Wife has agreed to quit her job effective 2/12 and come home. Says that she is doing so for the kids. Still says that she wants a divorce and will not reconcile. I am happy that she is coming and want to start with plan A but need help as to how to start.
Wife�s emotional needs: Over the last 2 � years I have ignored my wife's need for conversation, and affection. My question becomes how do you implement the program? Now that she is coming home I have my chance.
I am also sure that I have left something out so if you have questions let me know.

You have come to a great place ... but I think you should hit NOTIFY and move this to surviving an affair forum. You will get alot more help over there. YOu are in for a bumpy ride so put on your seat belt.

MNG

Hi ptspad, welcome to Marriage Builders. I just have a second and others will post more, but I just wanted to refer you to the Start Here thread at the top of this forum. I would start there, especially the thread about exposure, and then come back and ask questions.

The 180 plan is not from Marriage Builders and is not recommended by Dr Harley.

Checked out the expsure thread. I have confronted my wife with the evidence about her PA. She expressed no regret and indicated that it was my fault for not meeting her needs and being jealous. I accecpted some blame but denied forcing her to have a PA. Believe that the PA has cooled into a phone/sype and text deal. She quits her job next week which is a big step towards ending the PA.
Want to work through plan A but have questions around how to meet her EA's which are affection, and conversation. Tough to show affection when she doesn't have any interest. We can, and have been talking.

I don't think you adequately read through the exposure thread. Exposure is not about exposing to your wayward spouse. They already know they are having an affair! It is about exposing to the people in WW and OM's world that will most negatively influence their illicit behavior. The goal is to kill the affair.

Who ELSE have you exposed the affair to?

You are responsible for your part in creating a marriage that was susceptible to affairs. You are NOT responsible for her choice to have one.

There are many people who are not getting their needs met, yet do NOT choose to have an affair. They instead choose to say "hey husband, my needs are not getting met, can we work on this?" They may also choose to separate or divorce.

I would suggest NEVER taking responsibility for her affair again. When she spouts this foggy thinking, just say "I am responsible for not meeting your needs in our marriage, and will vow to work hard to meet those needs once you end your affair and commit to a plan of recovery. I am NOT responsible for your choice to lie, deceive, and engage in an affair. Would you like a cookie?"

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Ptspad, the first step is exposing her affair. Please revisit the exposure thread and start at that point.

Good advicd on exposing the affair. I will do so and get back.
Tonight she told me she would not quit her job as a flight attendant. I told her she was leaving the kids behind and I could not support that decision. Walked away before I got really mad.

Good job. No doormat here.

Get together your exposure list and do it all at once for maximum effect. Good luck!

Got my list of email address' and numbers. Going to start tomorrow. WS told me today that she had turned in her two week notice and will be coming home. Says that she is doing this only for the kids and will not be working on our marriage.

Jealousy is a rational reaction to a threat in marriage. You, obviously, were correct in feeling jealous. And you must not have been too "controlling" or she wouldn't have had an affair!

I am glad you are getting on board here with exposure. Who are your exposure targets? Is the OM married and if so, have you exposed to his wife? Is he a coworker?

p.s. you should let her know that if she is not going to work on the marriage, that this will lead to divorce. There is no other reason to stay married.

Just to forewarn you, she will get very angry about exposure and will say things like "I was going to work this out with you, but forget it now" and other garbage. Don't let her bait you. Don't defend yourself. Just tell her that you are doing what you need to to save your marriage and then change the subject.

The angrier she is she means the more successful your exposure was.

OK?

OM man is married but is separated from his wife. He is not a co-worker and lives 8 hours away. I have not yet been able to find her. Today I emailed all my family, friends and joint friends. This evening her family. WS is out of town working and I have yet to hear from anything.
Guess one bit of good news is WS turned in her 2 week notice today. She says that after 8 years of working as a Flight Attendant she can no longer stay away from the kids. I don't understand her because Thursday evening she said that she would not quit for another 2.5 years. Her quitting makes it very difficult for her to continue a PA or EA with anyone.

In order to recover your marriage, she would have had to leave that job anyway, so that is a WIN for you.

When will you see her again?

I would find her. You have to find her. "Separated" means MARRIED and she needs to know about the affair. Look on facebook, call his house [disguise your # using *67], expose to his facebook friends, do what you have to do to find her. Does the OM have a facebook page?


Good deal!


That is a good first step, but in order for this to work she will have to end all contact with the OM and commit to recovering your marriage. Otherwise this will lead to divorce.

And I have a feeling that is why she quit her job. She is planning on divorcing you [and perhaps replacing you with the OM] and she knows she can't get custody of your kids if she travels.

Do you live in a no fault state? Does adultery count in your state?

Good job on Exposure so far. Keep going! Find OMW.

In your corner!

Yes audultery does count in my state. Her quitting her job is bad for me from a child custody point. Not worried about it at this point as I want to reconcile.
Interesting thought on divorce at this time. It has been 7 months since she said "I don't love you and I want a divorce". She has been involved for most of last year, I don't know the official start date.
Not sure what she is up to but I can only control my actions and I am first moving forward with exposing and then be the husband that needs her needs.

Concentrate on finding OMW.

Does OM have Facebook?