Hi,

I am writing because I have lost the support of my friends as I try to survive my marriage crisis and really need some people who understand what I'm going through.

I am feeling very alone, yet resolute in what I need to do to give my marriage the best possible chance of surviving.

It's been 14 weeks since my husband told me he was in love with a coworker (emotional affair).

We are the classic story of high school sweethearts who let kids and life get the way of our relationship.

The OW is in the middle of a messy divorce after an abusive marriage and they started confiding in each other about their mutual unhappiness. As he tells it, next thing you know he's madly in love with her. His big defense is "I didn't mean for this to happen".

I've been doing the hard yards in therapy and understand what the affair is. I get why it happened and know there's a chance we can be happy again. The problem is he is still overwhelmed by his feelings for the OW despite acknowledging that he has no future with her. He says he would much rather be with me and the kids but his feelings are so strong for her and he is not in love with me anymore.

I am doing Plan A and there are signs it is working, but there is still such a long way to go and it's exhausting to think about. We are now communicating, affectionate and loving to each other at home - which would be a great start if only he'd go no contact with her.

He says he dreads telling her it's over because he knows how much it's going to hurt her. Obviously this is very hard for me to swallow while my suffering goes unacknowledged but I am doing my best for now.

Some days I feel like I can't bear it another second though. I'm married to a man who thinks he's in love with someone else, isn't sorry he had an affair (because he didn't mean it to happen)and says he isn't in love with me anymore.

Walking away is so tempting - but I also feel that's the easy way out. No matter what happens, I want to look back on this time and know that I did everything I could to give my marriage a chance.

I keep praying there is going to be a reward at the end of all this suffering, but most of the time the situation just seems hopeless. My self esteem is shattered and I can't imagine how I can ever make him love me again.

I'm so alone now as my friends cannot understand why I am putting myself through this. They have told me I should just quit the marriage and move on. How easy it is to say that though when you're not the one in the situation. When you don't have to face the prospect of life without the person you love and deal with shattered children.

The thing is though, I'm not naive. I've got my eyes wide open. I know there's a big chance I'm getting played here and I do have a cut-off date for moving from Plan A to Plan B. I just want to give the situation a chance to resolve itself with minimal impact on my kids, and if it can't, well - at least I'll know I did everything I could.

I feel so alone and abandoned by people who were supposed to love and care for me. They say something like this shows you who your real friends are, and sadly for me it really has. My so called friends may have abandoned me in my hour of need, but I guess it's a blessing to have them out of my life now that I've seen their true colors.

Anyway, I'm glad to have found this community and hope I can find and give some support here.

Have you exposed the affair as outlined in Exposure 101? That is the most important part of Plan A. Dr Harley recommends that the BS DEMAND that the affair end immediately. For women, he recommends a 3-4 week Plan A. Do you have a plan in place to separate if he won't end this affair immediately?

"It's been 14 weeks since my husband told me he was in love with a coworker (emotional affair). "


This is way beyond what Dr Harley would recommend. Staying around for thus type of abuse is dangerous to your mental health and very bad for your marriage. Competing for your husband while he is in an affair is unattractive and lessens your chance of recovery. I would put an end to this affair immediately by exposing it everywhere.

I am doing Plan A and there are signs it is working,

NO, you are not, and NO it is not.

You are waaaaay out of sequence with your attack on this problem, friend.

FIRST you kill the active affair. Usually this requires an exposure of both APs to their entire world, as in, "Hey, my POSWH is making lovey-dovey with POSOW!" Only then, after they are shamed into halting their affair, do you think about "Plan A".

What you're doing right now is implementing "Plan BC" (Betty Crocker), baking WH the greatest cake in creation. He gets to wallow in the affection, adoration, and attention of two women, both catering to his every need. (In case that wasn't direct enough: Stop deluding yourself! He's boning her.)

One of the conditions for recovery is NC for LIFE. I get the impression that your WH is still working with the OW. If that is the case, maybe your friends can sense that your WH is not serious about recovery and that is why they have suggested that you kick him to the curb to avoid a death of a thousand cuts. MB would recommend that you enter Plan B if your WH will not commit to NC for LIFE and find other employment.

However, your FIRST STEP is to EXPOSE to people of significance in his life as well as the workplace since that is one of the conditions that allowed the affair to happen.

Who have you exposed the affair to?

You also need to expose the OW to her BH, family, and friends.

I would question in my own mind the part about OW's abusive marriage. That is a common excuse and many times not true. Believe only what you can personally verify.