I have just joined this forum but suspect I may be one of the few who is the OW looking for help.

My "partner" and I work together and have for 12 years. We have been great friends and always kept things professional. We trusted talking to one another because we knew the standards each of us held in regards to marriage and our spouses. SO the thing we liked and trusted about one another actually caused us to eventually fall.
I work with a lot of guys and its always been my rule not to allow them to know anything bad about my husband because I know how they think, they think its a weakness time and can swoop in and save the day. So I had been cautious , then I broke my rule.

My husband and I have been together 11 years ... he has two children ( 17,18) from a previous I have none. We dated 1 year before marrying ( too soon I am sure) and this is both of ours second marriages.

About 4 years into our marriage he started becoming addicted to online XBOX games. Between his ex, his children and that I started to shut down a feel that I was not even close to being second ( to God) in his life but rather 5th or 6th. Add he works long days at a stressful job , well he became rather unpleasant to deal with in my eyes.

I figured the loneliness and abandonement I felt I would just have to deal with. We had been to a Pastor in the past to try and work out our issues but not one thing changed. I kick myself for not separating from him years ago to show him I was serious. But neither of us have a family near us to go to so I literally had no place to go and do not make enough to support two households.

BUT this past September I finally snapped. I told him I couldnt take it anymore and that there was some attention I was getting at work ( cause this is when things were getting "wierd" with my partner)... I told him I liked the attention and it scared me cause I felt we needed to step it up in our marriage and he had to stop playing video games for hours at a time.

He ignored me and kept playing.

I did the wrong thing and engaged willingly in flirting with my co-worker. I have known him for years and adored him as a person and now I saw how amazingly handsome he seemed. His caring demeanor and how he seemed to want to know about my life and how I felt each day was a breath of fresh air.

One night we started texting inappropriately and that led to us finally going all the way. TO me his passion and making me feel like I was the only person in the world while we were together was what I have longed for for so long. I had told myself time and time again " this seems like the most normal thing in the world".

Problem is he too is married.

After a few months of sneaking out in the middle of the night to see one another the guilt of hurting his wife got to him and he had to tell her.

I was devastated. Even though I felt what I was doing was wrong, offensive to God and all I believe in, I didn't want to stop. I ( like he admits to) had become addicted to the feelings he made me feel. I felt alive for the first time in 6 years or more.

I finally told my husband a day later ( that was a week ago). I am in the withdraw stage and its horrible. I feel I have no one to talk to because I am the offender so who cares how I feel ?

My partner is a mess and I know he really loves his wife and hates that he too has now hurt 4 people ( I feel the same).

Here is the crux . My husband was mad for two days ( I was patient as I should be and answered all his questions).. then snap he starts acting like nothing happened? He wants to make love to me, hold my hand, talk to me , go out etc and I am not ready nor to I know how to handle his advances. I cry everyday because my mind and body are split.

We have a counseling appointment Monday and it seems like an eternity. We are working the book " Torn Asunder" but right now I feel like I am in a really bad Hollywood movies. Girl marries boy, girl meets lover, girl wants to be with lover but can't so she goes back to boy and stays with her heart half torn until she dies" kinda movie.

Please don't misunderstand me. I feel horrible that I have ruined another womans life. It was something I had sworn never to do. That even if I liked someone if they were married you don't mess with women like that, we have to stick together.... but I fell. It kills my heart to know she is probably at her house destroyed over what I help caused. They have been married for 16 years and they have a 20 year age difference ( her being older) So not only am I the OW, I am much younger then her too. They have no children.

Advice and prayers are welcomed. I do not want to be bashed.. I am self loathing enough already. I know my actions were wrong and devastating.. I just dont know how I can ever reconnect emotionally and physically with my husband I had signed off on that idea months ago.

OH I should add in December I moved out of our bedroom and started down the divorce path.. so we were a few days away from filing papers.. I felt that since I was having an affair and not happy in my marriage that there was no going back regardless of that my partner did in his marriage.

We are still separated but in the same home...My husband desparately wants to work on the marriage. I feel I am suppose to ... I hope that changes in time that I WANT too not just out of obligation to a contract ( that I broke )

Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope it makes sense..

Hi CCFN, welcome to Marriage Builders, you are in the right place. Most marriages do not recover from infidelity. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and eventually end in divorce. If you will use this program, you don't have to be like that. What Marriage Builders does is affair proof the marriage and restore the romantic love to the marriage. Many of us are in fully recovered, passionate marriages with our spouses. You can have that too if you follow that narrow path.

The first step towards recovery is to end all contact with the OM, even if that means leaving the job or moving to a new town. Recovery is impossible until all contact ends. And I do mean ALL. Changing the name of the affair to "business contact" will not work. All contact has to end for life.

The second step is to change the environment that led to the affair. In your case, it appears you have poor boundaries around men [opposite sex friendships] and probably lead a secret second life. That would all have to change.

The next step is to expose your affair to family and friends in your close circle. Those around you can support your marriage and hold you accountable. It would be a good idea to inform your human resources department so they can protect themselves from potential legal liability. Exposure is a critical first step in recovery.

The next step is implement Dr Harley's Basic concepts to restore the romantic love in your marriage. This program is the only one I am aware of that really protects the marriage and restores the romantic love. All of these steps are outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

And I will give you a word of warning about marriage counselors. Most are destructive to marriages and have absolutely no idea how to save a marriage. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. If yours does not have a step by step PLAN to affair proof your marriage and restore the romantic love to your marriage, you are better off staying home because you are likely to end up divorced.

Will your husband come here and post so we can help him? He needs to be in charge of this recovery plan.

I realize you need a term to refer to your affair partner, but I recommend not using the term "partner" because it seems like an additional offense to your husband and OM's wife. I suggest you start referring to OM in relation to his wife. For example, if his wife's name is Jennifer, you could start referring to him--and forcing yourself to think of him--as "Jennifer's husband." Maybe that will help you acknowledge that you have no legitimate connection to him. They are a team. She is his partner, not you.

I used the term " Partner" Because in the workbook Torn Asunder they have you use that term.. Spouse, Infidel, Partner.

I agree it feel rough to say even... I do like calling him his wives husband because that may help desensitize him to me.

I don't think one person is in charge of the recovery plan. We both got to this point , we both have a role in it. I know many want to always attack the infidel and I own all I did and that I had no right to do what I did. But my husband has owned his part in this as well. His neglect and addiction did not help this situation. I know its hard to see another side if you are the hurting spouse. Affairs usually do no happen unless there is a hole of sorts in your marriage ( unless your a sex addict)...

So I disagree HE needs to be in charge, we need to work together to patch this up if its going to work. If he forgives me and does the same behaviors he did prior to my affair we will be in the same boat of me being miserable and him being an addict... regardless of what I did our marriage needed work before that.. if it makes sense.

I know its hard to know me as a person from a few paragraphs, but there is a lot of things that go behind the scenes in most affairs it is certainly not something I ever ever ever thought I would do! I walk away from inappropriate attention and have for years... neglect helped to make me fall.

I will encourage my husband to talk to ppl here ( I have been encouraging him to seek counseling and he started a few weeks ago)... but I came for help for me because I too hurt. I don't think there is a lot of information or help out here for the "infidel".. were not evil people., were people who made a mistake. A bad mistake that causes a lot of grief.. but I too am grieving what I did and so forth. I came here because I read some of the Marriage Builders information on how someone like myself has to go through withdraw for possibly 3 weeks and looking for help in that area. It is painful and I fill full of guilt for even feeling the withdraw

CCFN,

Welcome to MB.

You can't even start to withdraw unless you have absolutely no contact with the OM. When will you leave your job and write a no contact letter to him?

AM

Well we have decided to no contact anymore.. I work in law Enforcement and can not just leave.. but we do not work together any more ( its a big department so we can go years now without seeing one another).. We will no longer sign up to be on the same beat anymore I know that.. Part of my problem with my husband is he is always worried about money and he doesnt want me to quit ! We have a lot of work if we are to stay married..

CCFN,

I cannot name one marriage that recovered where the affair partners continued to see each other, even occasionally.

Have you read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair"?

AM

Your husband's neglect may have made you more vulnerable to an affair, but it didn't cause you to have an affair. (Lots of people have unmet needs and they don't have affairs.) What caused your affair was your willingness to let OM meet your needs. You have a boundaries problem.

Dr. Harley says "There are always reasons, but no excuses" for affairs. The reasons you were vulnerable to an affair should never be used as excuses for having an affair. It sounds like you've identified the reasons (unmet needs for affection, conversation, etc.) and recognized that this opposite-sex friendship is what opened the door to your affair.

In order to recover your marriage, you and your husband need to meet each other's relationship needs and close the door to anyone else who tries to meet those needs. You will need to identify the conditions that made it possible for you to conduct your affair, and then eliminate each of those conditions. You must implement precautions that will make it essentially impossible for you to have another affair. Over time, those precautions will enable your husband to trust you again (by correcting your boundaries problem).

The first steps to recovery are full exposure of the affair and a no contact letter to OM. This website is loaded with helpful information, and the vets on this discussion forum (MelodyLane, etc.) are fantastic.

Yes, the betrayed spouse should be in charge of the recovery. Want to know why? It is because the wayward spouse is foggy. The rapist can't tell the rape victim what he needs to recover. That is up to the rape victim.


No Ma'am. You are 100% responsible for the choice to have an affair. Your husband could have been meeting your needs 100% and you would have still had an affair because you have pisspoor boundaries around other men. As long as your lovebank is open to others, you are not a safe person because an affair is inevitable.


No one has "attacked" you so please don't play the victim card. And no, you do not "own" your despicable behavior. People who are truly sorry don't tend to cite the alleged shortcomings of others. Your first post is all about the alleged shortcomings of your husband, your victim.

You want us to give you a pass for committing adultery yet hold him accountable for his shortcomings. Women CAN BE accountable, ya know?


What you have done to your husband is as traumatic as rape, physical assault or the death of a child. You did that to your husband, Madam. Your husband did nothing close to that.

Until you acknowledge the depth of the crime you have committed against your husband and the other man's wife, you are not safe. Trivializing it as a "mistake" shows that you don't get it.

So let's stop the blame game and the drama queen act. It won't work here.

Sorry, but this will never work. You most certainly CAN leave. Recovery is impossible as long as you continue to work at the same place. Every day you go to work is another day you can hook up and shag the OM.

And most importantly, your Human Resources Department needs to know how reckless and unprofessional you are so they can protect themselves legally.

The first step in recovery is to end all contact. You can't go to the second step until the first step is completed.

But your grief is self inflicted. Your victims didn't sign up for this. You are like the bank robber who hurt himself while crawling out of the bank window. All of the sympathy belongs to your victims.

You are not a victim. You volunteered for this. So if you are in any "pain" it is just a consequence of your own bad choices.

Nor is it true to say you are in "withdrawal." You have to end contact in order to "withdraw." Contact has not ended and I have a feeling you will refuse to end your affair. People who are serious about ending their affairs don't fight to hang onto the job where they see their adultery partner. You are fighting to maintain contact.

How about sending your husband here so we can help him? He has a serious problem on his hands and I don't think he realizes how bad this is. He thinks he is headed towards recovery and he is not.

Coping with Infidelity:The End

Welcome to Marriage Builders.
Get a copy of Surviving An Affair.
I have read Torn Asunder, and I can honestly tell you that you will get more practical advice from SAA.

You have a long way to go. Take steps forward and no steps backward, and eventually you will reach your goal. Wallowing in self pity will be frowned upon, just so you know.

I "bumped" a thread for you to read and "take in".

Here is the *** link ****

You are new here so you may not realize that there are folks on these boards who have been in Plan A or Plan B for many many months if not years. During this time they are not only NOT getting their ENs met by the WS but their lovebanks are being drained by the WS's dishonest and thoughtless behavior -- yet they manage to stay faithful.

Not to mention the many many folks over on MB101 who are unhappy -- instead of looking for others to meet their ENs, they are on a website doing research on how to improve their M.

So it is quite frustrating to see a WS come on here and blame, even if only in part, their affair on neglect or unmet needs.

As long as you believe this, you are very dangerous to your BH.

Sorry to tell you that it was more likely more than just "guilt" -- he was probably starting to become scared that he could lose his wife, and in a desperate attempt to save his marriage decided to get honest with her in order to help himself get out of this mess.

Most married men in affairs do not want to leave their wives and are just using the OW for sex.

Again I know that probably hurts to hear but no one helps you by sugar coating things.

This is exactly why sin is so tempting. It makes us temporarily feel good.


Talk to your husband. There is no acceptable excuse NOT to talk to him.

Ask him about his feelings. Ask him this question "Is there anything I can do for you right now?"

Ask several times a day.


You hurt far more than 4 people. You hurt families. Entire families. Here is a challenge for you. Never, ever, refer to OM as anything but his wife's husband. For example, if her name is Betty, from now on, OM is "Betty's husband" and nothing else.


You accept his advances. He is trying to do the right thing. Appreciate that. You will eventually feel more like his wife.


So what? They are tears, not blood.



So, are those tears you shed for her benefit? Or what?


Here is her salvation. She can live the rest of her life knowing she has lived in keeping with her integrity and her values. Her reputation remains intact.

It grieves me that you did not recognize her personhood, her sisterhood, while you were flirting with her husband.


Younger, yes. Better? No.



You do not have time to waste on self loathing. You have a job to do. You have a marriage to repair (yours). You have compensation and repentance to offer. Much of self loathing is looking into the mirror and rehashing the past. Self-indulgencies are not going to be pragmatic.


You begin by actions. Not ideas. You hold his damn hand. In fact, you initiate hand holding. You ask him to hold you saying : "I am tense. Hold me until I relax. I will tell you when to release me." Do it.

Make love. Touch his face. Flirt with him. Stare at him and remember every kindness he ever showed you.

Was he perfect? No. Does that matter? No, again.


Shame on you. Move back into the marital bed. You are a married woman. Act like you are.



You lack marriage skills. Really, sister, you are lacking. You cannot allow yourself to throw away a marriage because you are too selfish, or too lazy, or too ignorant to know what to do next. If you divorce before exhausting every avenue to grow YOURSELF into the best wife possible, then you will increase your worldly baggage filled with ignorance, selfishness,laziness, and guilt!

You need a little [censored]-kicking to get your head out of your butt and back into the real world.
You are 100% responsible for being the wife & woman you have chosen to be.
Good news, you can evolve and make the decision to take the high road, the difficult road, the road towards a happy marriage where you are HONEST, you have EMPATHY, and you NEVER do anything that will cause your husband pain. And, visa versa. Your H should come here too. He may need a little Pepperband [censored]-kick as well.

Welcome aboard!

No, CCFN. Neglect may have made you vulnerable. Neglect did not cause you to choose to be unfaithful. You made that choice -- really, a whole seqeuence of many choices -- on your own. So start with step #1: Own it. Own your choices.

I'm one of the few guys here who was in an affair. Yes, it was also something I "thought I'd never do." I wasn't even in what I'd have considered a bad marriage. (It wasnt as good as it is today, but that's a story you can hear some other time.) My wife & I got along well & liked one another. Sure, there were shortcomings & vulnerabilities. But nothing to justify what happened -- what I allowed to happen. When an opportunity I & anyone who knew me would've sworn I never would've chased showed up, in the form of someone who seemed no threat at first -- someone in whom I wasn't interested in the slightest -- I still made choices to indulge in conversation, choices to let the conversations continue, choices to let them drift to stuff that I never should've countenanced listening to (like, her dissatisfaction with her own marriage), choices not to shut it down, choices to let her think of me as a confidante, choices to stick around & suck up the cheap attention & admiration she was throwing my way, choices to let her know I found her attractive (because cheap attention & admiration will screw up your vision), choices not to tell my wife when I was wavering but could see what a wrong path I was headed onto, and a whole load of other (bad, selfish) choices. None of those choices was a direct path to addressing the things that I'd wished were better about my marriage.

So did you. You could've chosen a hobby. You could've chosen to splurge on a convertible. You didn't, though. You made choices, CCFN, and through each of them, you chose to have an affair. The first step to recovering your self-respect, and perhaps your marriage, is to own those choicesm fully.

My wife & I are headed to our daughter's choral concert, so I've no time to digest your story or to respond more thoughtfully. But if you're serious about fixing what's broken (including things you've broken), then stick around. If you've got questions, ask me.

P.S. -- I don't get a cent for saying so, but you oughtta get the book "Surviving An Affair" asap. Our counselor put us onto it four years & a month ago, anad it just may well have saved my marriage.

No, you are not even close. As an outsider, it is very clear from your first post, with the subtle and not so subtle digs at your H and converserly subtle hints of what a nice guy POSOM is that you are still VERY foggy and addicted to him.

When was the last time you spoke or texted or emailed with the OM?