CCFN
Junior Member
Registered: 02/09/13
Posts: 4

CCFN, may I give you some advice?

Stop "telling"; start "asking".
Stop "talking"; start "listening".

You have landed in the best place to EARN your BH's forgiveness and commitment to a new, better marriage. Telling us here that you cannot perform the most vital act to correct job-related infidelity is NOT the way to garner support. Telling us that your BH does not have the right to direct the recovery will continue the decline in your support.

So far you have heard from the more RATIONAL correspondents here, trying to redirect your attitude. If you continue in you "smarter-than-thou" attitude until one of the hard cases gets here, that "Posts" number in your profile will never reach double-digits.

You're welcome.

I am only junior here and so while everyone is being extra nice to you for the noble cause of saving your marriage. I as a BS am happy to dish out the 2x4 that you are looking for.

You're right. Nobody CARES about how bad you feel at the moment. YOU made your bed. YOU lie in it. You have been a selfish, conniving, liar for the past few months. Your little fantasy world was not even ended by you, buy by OM who at least found some decency in himself.

What is expected of you is that you put aside YOUR feelings and FINALLY consider those of your BH. You came here to get help on how to deal with withdrawal, what you need is help on how to help your BH deal with this emotional wreckage that you've caused. And his coping mechanism has been to try to show you that he still loves you. Yet you are still too wrapped up in yourself to think about how your continued rejection of him is making him feel.

YOU ARE A MOST SELFISH, SELFISH WOMAN.

Hi, CCFN,

This isn't going to work without education. So, let's start getting educated.

First off, unlike almost all of the marriage counseling out there, Marriage Builders teaches how to create, restore, and maintain the feeling of romantic love in marriage. That's the feeling you had with your affair partner. You can create that feeling with your husband, and then you won't feel like you're dying.

Read this, it's by Dr. Jennifer Chalmers, the daughter of Dr. Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders. Dr. Chalmers and her father Dr. Harley are the co-authors of the book Surviving an Affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8118_real.html

This is the main reason you want to steer clear of most counselors. They usually believe that the feeling of romantic love only lasts a few years and dies and the secret to successful marriage is to lower your expectations and learn to suck it up and live with it.

They are dead wrong. Dr. Harley has been proving them wrong daily for decades. The feeling of romantic love can last for a lifetime, if you do the right things, and the program here can teach you and your husband to do the right things. Be aware that many of the ideas passing for "marriage advice" out there run completely COUNTER to the things people ought to do to create and sustain the feeling of romantic love.

Get started now learning the program here, and you and your husband can have something far, far better than you ever had with your affair partner. You won't feel torn anymore, and you won't feel like you're dying.

Required viewing:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Required reading:
Basic concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
How to Survive Infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html (There are 30+ pages in this section to read. Read them all. Then reread them.)
Surviving an Affair, the book. You can buy it on this website, or on Amazon, or in several other places. If you call into Dr. Harley's radio show, they will probably send it to you for free.

I also suggest viewing Dr. Harley's videos explaining the Marriage Builders Basic Concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1000_video.html Many of us paid to go to Dr. Harley's seminar, which is basically all the same things he says in these videos.

Also check out Dr. Harley's free daily radio show: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

This is very much a battle of education. You and your husband don't know how to have a good marriage together. You need to learn how. You can learn how here, for free. I encourage you to get started; it takes a lot of learning to get your brain convinced enough to do the right things early on, when you don't feel like it, so that later on you will be in love (and feel like doing those things all the time).

I think she is gone.

Since Dr. Harley, with his 40+ years of experience in infidelity and recovery, is unable to contribute to these boards on a regular basis, it is SO refreshing to have yet another educated, trained, and seasoned expert drop in to tell us all about affairs, how they start, how they should be recovered, and who's to blame.

I'll be sure to read here regularly to make sure I'm following your proven recovery checklist, CCFN.

Start holding your breath . . . now!

CCFN, I'm whispering to you here:

Please step back for a moment and appreciate some irony:

When you were shagging your work colleague, it was all you; you gave your husband no say in that. You didn't ask his opinion. But now that you're suffering withdrawal pangs from the fellow "law-enforcement" officer whose situational-ethics problem is as bad as your own, it's "we", is it?

Don't you find that ironic?
I think it's pretty rich.

Your husband didn't choose the affair from which you're now in withdrawal. You never gave him any say in the matter.

Now he's emotionally bleeding out, from an emotional wound that you inflicted on him. (You, and this affair-partner thug of yours who did the equivalent of cold-cocking your husband from behind out of a dark alley. Real admirable SOB he must be, when you take off the rose-colored glasses & look at that for what it really is. And I became a thug just like that for 10 weeks myself, so I know of what I speak.)

Your job #1 right now is to stop your husband's bleeding. You can work on the marriage after that, if he doesn't bleed to death. But for you to be talking about "we" right now, and about how "he" [your husband] needs to get on the stick too, is like finding a stabbing victim, and whining about how he doesn't comb his hair right & he has bad breath & a bit of a beer-gut. While he's got a knife-blade sticking out of his back.

CCFN, that victim might be able to change the way he does things someday so it'll be more to your liking: He can learn (or relearn) to comb his hair, brush his teeth and go to the gym & lose 10 pounds someday -- but now is not the time for that! Now is not the time to put the responsibility on him. He's bleeding to death. You are in position to help -- but here you are fretting about him not doing his part, and you're planning to make your efforts conditional on his efforts, when he's too much in-shock to make efforts of his own.

Can't you see what a load of crap that is?

You can save your marriage & even make it better than it ever was. It's possible, so there's hope. But first you need to confront just how selfish you were & still are.

You think you're feeling guilty enough? No, ma'am. A mere ten days into your withdrawal? Four years ago I was there, and I can tell you (because I've lived it) that you have not yet even begun to scratch the surface of the guilt that you should properly feel. You need to drink it from a firehose until it motivates you to a more selfless remorse. Until you can set your own wants aside long enough to help your husband heal to the point where he can be a partner in rebuilding your marriage.

If you want to know some of the steps that will entail on your part, then ask me. But I'm not going to waste any more of my time on you if you don't care enough to trust that I & the other veteran posters here, despite being complete strangers, know & understand a lot more about your situation than you do right now.

She praised her partner-in-crime and bashed her victim. Then she had the audacity to inform us that she did not come here to be bashed.

She is about as remorseful as Lance Armstrong appeared in his Oprah interview. I would bet a million bucks she is still in contact with OM.

She works with the guy every day.

I hope she will return. She's still stuck in the OW/WW mindset. She's also convinced she & her situation are unique.

I found myself in a "unique" situation the other day. I tried telling the guy just how unique I *am* and how unique the situation was ....... but the guy wrote me a speeding ticket anyway.

He said: "Miss" (yes, the youngster called ME "miss" ) "You were speeding in a senior zone."

Me: "I am a senior. Does that help?"

The youngster said: "When did you buy this car?" (looking at the window registration and writing down the vin #)

Me: "Just 2 weeks ago. I'm still getting used to the feel of it ."

Handing me the citation: "Drive carefully Miss".

See? Even those in LAW ENFORCEMENT know everyone *thinks* they are unique and don't really deserve that ticket !!!

Well, hopefully she will be back. I saw her reading the thread this morning so we will see what kind of stuff she is made of. If she is serious about recovering her marriage, she will be back. If she was just here to get validation for her self pity and the continued workplace affair, it is doubtful.

Girlfriend, you need some new tricks! I am four for four in my new town!! No tickets!! "I am so sorry, Officer, I hope you aren't going to give me a ticket BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL KILL ME!!"

NO TICKETS!! [glovebox full of warning tickets, but those don't count..]

Why, you silver-tongued southern girls!!

Melodylane = TICKETFREE!

Taffy calls 'em "performance awards." It's all about his perspective...

Welcome to MB

When I came to MB I didn't know where to begin either.

After my adultery ended I wasn't sure things could ever be repaired, but I was willing to do whatever it took.


It was suggested that I read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving An Affair". So I did!

It was suggested that my boundaries were terrible. They were!

It was suggested that I learn about Extraordinary Precautions. So I learned.

It was suggested I call and make an appointment with the coaching center at MB. I listened and followed through. It was invaluable in restoring romantic love to my marriage.

It was suggested that I would connect to where I placed my treasures. I was told, "Where your treasures are, there your heart will also be". So I started treasuring my wife as I promised to do when we exchanged our vows. It worked!

It was suggested that my character & values were a mess. They were right.
I had the values I claimed, and then I had the values I practiced.... My adultery demonstrated my values were only claims.... They were mere "ideas"

It was suggested I must change the very core of my nature. Again, they were right. So I listened to those that traveled the road before me.

I learned nothing happens by accident. I allowed the tyranny of my immediate wants to overtake my intellect.
In short, my affair didn't "just happen".

Please stop pretending that you are taking full responsibility for what you've done. Your affair was an extreme breach of professional ethics, but you are refusing to tell your supervisor in order to avoid the consequences of your actions. And you expect your husband to simply trust that you and OM will voluntarily stop working the same beat? You are just making an attempt to appear remorseful, while refusing to actually cut ties with OM. I suspect you are holding out hope that you will be able to continue your affair with OM, regardless of whether you and he work the same beat. In fact, I would be shocked if you and OM haven't had any contact since you promised to stop contacting each other.

Sorry! Wrong thread!