RQ,
Having FWW pick up on that was needed affirmation for me!
You stay strong, I am pulling for you and KISS.

If I weren't so crippled there might be a risk of a spontaneous Jig!

One last trigger issue is FWW's truck. I want to trade it she wants to pay it off and be rid of the debt.

In our last hard A talk I had told her how much it hurt me to know she had driven it to the motel to meet POSOM. This is the truck I had given her as a surprise gift less than a year earlier.

I can't watch her leave in it without thinking about it.

Should I tell her again exactly what bothers me in detail, what I had given her out of love she used to harm me or just say we need to get rid of it because it is a trigger?

Thoughts?

If you've already have the conversation you just simply say that getting rid of the truck is a must for recovery for you. You don't need to justify it. If Dr. H advocates people up and moving their homes, I'm sure selling the truck is a no-brainer!

Your recovery is more important than anything - including trucks and debts associated with them!

The truck's disposition, if it were so affective upon you, should have been part of the initial "recovery" plan.

Right now, depending on the understanding of the status of your union, it might have passed in her mind from "trigger to be cast away" to "item to be POJA'd".

I would suggest you start by reminding her of the pain you explained to her previously, and that you are expecting her to understand and take the appropriate action.

Sunny
I'll do that. Just wanted to be careful in what I say so as not to violate my promise to her not to mention her A ever again.
I don't want any reminders either. I will mention to her that it is not all trucks it's THAT truck!

NG
I did not let her know how it affected me until recently.
Thought it would pass,It won't.
When we talked about it we covered a lot and I did not specifically tell her I wanted to get rid of it at the time just how much it hurt.
I can see where she has made that transition in her mind and I am to blame for that. I was not O&H with her about how I felt seeing her drive that truck everyday. A constant reminder of her A.

I don't know what is harder for me to conquer...
My conflict avoidance or my fear of telling a southern girl who hunts she has to sale her truck!

...my fear of telling a southern girl who hunts she has to sale her truck!

Uhhh, before a certain transplanted Texenne shows up, I would suggest securing her weapons, and THEN telling her!

Thank you!

FWW brought me the print out of her days off without me even asking her for it! It is amazing how good things like this makes me feel.

Now if she would just come home in new blue truck... or a green one I don't care!

Have not had that conversation yet, this weekend hopefully.

Definitely talk to WW about getting WW to sell the truck today.

We are stuck on dishonesty from our love buster questioner. We have corrected IB, and the DJ.

Those two were easy for us.
This one is tough for me and I don't know how to stop doing it.

We have talked around the truck issue but haven't set down and talked about it specifically yet.

FWW asked me to write down what is bothering me and see if that will help me get over the hesitation.

I have spent three days on about 4 things I am struggling with and I am going to set down with her tonight and go over them.

Shouldn't be this hard to do what I know is good for our M!

wle2, you'll just have to set the stage. Let her know that you have something to talk to her about tonight. And when you do, just tell her straight out that it bothers you seeing her in that truck and how does he feel about trading it in for something else.

I know what you mean about having to be honest. It was brought to my attention that I was sacrificing by not talking about how I felt about things. I hadn't realized it. I think I took the "not talking about the A too far. I need to look at it as that i'm not, just how it is affecting my present. As in "When you buy that type of wine, it brings back bad memories for me". For you, it would be "When I see you in that truck, it brings mack bad memories for me and makes me sad".

There definitely is a fine line between not bringing up the affair and ensuring that you are radically honest.

The bigger thing for you, WLE, is to quit being such a conflict avoider! And I say that with all good intentions. Take a que from Nike and "JUST DO IT." Conflict avoiding and making nice is exactly what got my H and I in trouble. Make sure you say things in a respectful manner but SAY IT.

Lying is a huge part of conflict avoiding. What you have to get to the bottom of is why you have such a hard time asking for what you need in the first place. Do you not feel worthy? Do you think it's not worth it? Were you brought up to keep a stiff upper lift? Do you get some satisfaction out of playing the martyr? There are all kinds of things that play into it. Sometimes it's a personality thing as much of a conscious thing.

Really, in the end it doesn't matter why you're doing as much as it matters THAT you're doing it.

Yes, you might feel uncomfortable being truthful (and therefore, vulnerable) but it WILL make your marriage better.

I mentioned on another thread recently that my marriage has grown the most over the last 2 1/2 years after major disagreements. It has been in those times that real, gut level communication has taken place. It wasn't comfortable, but it was necessary - and we benefited greatly from it: truly brought us closer.

I'm one that is much better about writing things out... and H and I have both done that throughout recovery. Although, I do think it's important to learn to talk about it and not just write/read.

OK, I talked with FWW last night and she didn't burst into flames as I had thought she would.

Truck is going to be traded. Started looking yesterday.We talked for a couple of hours about my dishonesty and why I do it and about what.

When we discussed how I felt about the truck the first time it was
in the middle of our last A detail talk and she didn't catch it.

That's understandable because I was crying, she was crying, both cats were crying it was a long hard emotional talk.

She was not even bothered once I explained why I felt that way.

She really gets it and I even more confident in us making it than before.

Have you heard this clip on the different kind of liars?
Radio Clip on the Different Kind of Liars

RQ
Setting the stage is what I have the biggest hang up on. You are spot on there!
I hold it all in until the balance tips and my resentment builds and that's not what I want anymore.
I'm with you on taking the "never talk about the A" part to far.

SD
As always you are right again! I no I have a big conflict avoidance issue and it comes out of not wanting to hurt FWW.

I see how damaging it is and still do it. I am going work harder on this and FWW to her credit told me not to keep from her things that are bothering me.

She told me to look at it like taking off a band aide, just do it all at once. Don't slowly peel it away, just rip it off!

I was going to ask you guys about my conflict avoidance problem sooner, but I didn't want to bother ya'll

Also have you seen this?

Resentment Type A and Type B