It was recently confirmed that my husband had an affair. The physical relationship was 4 months and ended 6 months ago. He was still in contact with the other woman from time to time up until last week when I found out. I don't know where to begin. My heart and spirit are just broken right now.

Tricia, welcome and sorry that you have to be here. Read the links here and then come back with questions.

Start here

How long have you been married? Do you have children together? Do you know who the OW is?

~RQ

Married 11 years, 3 year old daughter. Found out through messenger chat so I know who she is from that but not personally.

Were you able to save or forward to yourself any evidence? Could you put spyware on the phone or computer that the chats are taking place? Check out the Operation Investigate forum for info about keyloggers.

Also, how did he meet this person?

Myself and many others here have been through what you are going through. We'll steer you towards killing the affair and creating a marriage that is better than it was before. Follow the advice given and buy Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair", it will help you out immensley in recovering your marriage from this.

I am really sorry to hear this, Tricia. I know that your mind must be in great turmoil right now.

How do you know that this physical relationship ended 6 months ago - how do you know for sure? Is this what your H told you?

How do you know that they are not in contact now?

Who is this woman - a colleague, an ex-girlfriend? How far from you does she live? Is she married? Does her H know about the affair?

How did they conduct their affair? How did they meet up without your knowing? My suspicion is that whatever means they had they are still using. If they can be in contact then they are in contact, and if they are in contact then they are having sex.

Did you ever have an STD test? Do not have sex with your H until you are certain that there is no contact, and you have both been tested and have come back clean.

Who have you told about this affair? His parents? Yours?

Hi Tricia, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Can you please give us more details about the OW? Has he ended all contact with her? Is she married, and if so, have you informed her husband

He would go out for a drink with his friends on occassion and that is how he met her. That is also when he would have an encounter after it started, using his friends on Saturday as an excuse or cutting his time short with them to go to her. She is not married. I do have evidence of the last chat. The day I found out I asked him about the sex when it started (late April) and ended (early August), I immediately called her so no chance to match up their accounts and all of her answers were the same. I have full access to all of his email accounts and facebook and cell phone - now has gps, he used facebook messenger for most conversation, her numbers were not on our phone bill. He would call from work. Supposedly the message I found was the last contact 02/06 she said she had no desire to contact him ever again and regretted the situation, not that I believe her.

He said it was 6 times total and I know that is how many times his friend was in town during those months. His work schedule and ref schedules don't allow for any other free times...he is with me and our daughter. They both claimed they felt guilty the reason they stopped having sex. She apologized and he is crying day and night was with me every minute from thurs to ealry monday and didn't touch a phone or computer.

So he picked her up in a bar?

Why did the sex, with a single, willing and available woman, come to an end?

Tricia I'm sorry but whatever he has told you about the affair being over I don't believe, and you shouldn't. If the affair had ended then by definition they wouldn't have been talking at work until last week. Talking by any means whatsoever is continuing the affair, and it is being done to try and reignite the physical part of the affair. Why else would they talk? If they had ended then they would have just ended. It's that simple. There is nothing to talk about once an affair has ended.

Does she live or work near enough to to still be seeing him?

We have asked you lots of questions but I don't think you have answered them all. Please go through your replies systematically and deal with each question. Thanks.

Supposedly, they are friends because they have so much in common! Both said they felt guilty and that is why it ended. I think he was afraid one of his friends would find out and tell me...2 of them know her and they would tell me. I felt the continued contact was also just one day initiate the sex again too. She doesn't live close enough to work or home for him to sneak away and not account for the time. I have told my best friend who is a dr. of psychology and he has told his best friend..he just didn't reveal to him who the woman is.

So far I asked him to go to his parents. I have a lie detector test scheduled at the end of the week which he has agreed to.

That's the best thing I have read so far on this thread. Post your questions here and get others to help you re-frame them. What guidance has the expert given you about what questions he can ask? Also, read other people's strategies with lie detectors in our Operation Investigate forum.

Why have you asked him to go to his parents (I take it you mean to tell them about his affair?) You should be the one telling all who need to be told. Have you read the Exposure 101 thread pinned to the top of this forum?

I just didn't want him here. With all his crying, I didn't want my daughter around that. We are not telling our families, neither of us have that type of relationship with our families meaning there would probably be nothing but drama and no help or support for anyone.

You mean that you told him to live with them for a while? For how long?

And - you mean they know the marriage is in crisis because he has moved back in with them for a while, but they don't know why?

If so, that is silly. You need to tell them why. He could be sneaking out to see OW from their house. They could keep him accountable - and it's just silly not to tell them why your marriage has broken down.

Waywards & OW lie lie and then lie some more.

I understand you feel you have the whole story and you feel pretty confident that the A is over, but you must understand that EVEN IF they stopped having sex a few months ago, that if they were still talking via chat or phone, the A was still ongoing. ANY contact, at all, keeps the addiction going.

In fact, unless you are watching his every move, it is very likely there is still contact given that you haven't killed the A dead with expousure. Please follow SC's advice and read the exposure thread and come back and we can help you with this step..

Tricia, be sure and tell everyone. Your parents, his parents, close friends and other family. The "friends" who knew about the affair should be cut out of his life because they are toxic to your marriage.

Exposure is the best thing for your marriage. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable.

And most certainly, he should not be going out without you. That is how affairs begin.

I would urge you not to make any drastic decisions like this when emotions are running high and WH is still in his fog. Foggy WSs are completely infuriating but this will pass...once you ensure the A is over.

Kicking him out is a horrible idea. I would ask him back.

It doesn't matter whether they would support you. Everyone should know.

Affairs thrive on secrecy. It helps to kill the affair and the fantasy feelings when you douse the WS with reality -- it's doesn't feel as good when everyone knows what you have been up to.

His work schedule and ref schedules don't allow for any other free times...

Can you give me some more data to help you with your problem?

"Ref" as in "referee"? Sport? State? Level? If I am correct, you have likely been given a HUGE tool in reshaping WH's priorities!