In order for OM to make any claims on the child, he will need to prove paternity. Do not do the footwork for OM. Do not request a DNA test. If OM goes THROUGH THE COURT and obtains a court ordered DNA, then you will do what the court tells you to do. Often times, affair partners are very lazy and want things to "just happen" for them without expending effort themselves. It is likely OM will not do the footwork for quite awhile, if at all. This is the best for your family is you plan to remain married to your wife.

It would be foolish for you not to seek counsel from a family law attorney NOW. You need to know the laws about paying child support should you decide to divorce your wife.

If you WANT OM to pay child support (which gives him a footing for visitation with the child only, not with your wife) then you would want to get a court ordered DNA test.

It all depends on what YOU want to do at this point.
If you want your marriage and do not want to assist OM in gaining a footing for child support, do not ask for DNA.
If you want end this marriage and do not want to pay child support, get a court ordered DNA done.

You need to know what you want.

See an attorney. Save yourself the grief of regretting not seeing one. Get advice/information ahead of trouble.

The following is my opinion, not advice:

If WW is making arguments (to you) that defend OM's "right" to see this child, my opinion is that it is your best interest to file for a divorce and explain to the kids exactly what is happening, and why. If your wife is not 100% convinced to stay 100% away from OM for the remainder of their lives, my opinion is that she is not really committed to recovery.

A clean break needs to be made. WW's actual choices are the following:
1. A 100% clean break from OM
2. You divorce her.

There is not a third choice. Ask her to make a choice by the end of this week.

This is wisdom. Do as Pep says.

she says she loves me and loves our children. i have been to the point of getting D papers written up. I don't want to give up but...

Have you consulted an attorney?

Did you read our posts? The fact that she says she loves you is really beside the point. What matters is if she will do the things necessary to protect your marriage, such as agree to never see or speak to the OM again.

If she takes the necessary steps to recover and protect your marriage will you stay with her?

If she truly loves you and your children and wants to work things out, there is no question. She must accept NC for life. It is the only way to be sure you don't end up in the same situation again. It will also help you begin healing.

she has been in NC with OM and changed her cell number. I told her any contact w other man has to be through me. OM is has sent letter and wants to be involved with the child. OM attorney said to have NC with me in the letter to my wife. I know she wants to talk to him.

Time for you to lawyer up and have your lawyer demand NC between your WW and OM. This must be done now. Instruct your lawyer that OM and his lawyer are not to have direct contact with WW.

Any contact with OM goes through you?

NC is for both of you for life. Though with the OC, I'm not certain about...well, certain details. I'll let the others handle it.

Being OM has hired a lawyer I assume he is fighting to have his name on the BC and have visitation and or some form of custody.

Then you must have your lawyer file for OM to pay CS, health care, set up college fund money now that will provide $100,000 for OC.

Have you contacted an attorney? And has your wife agreed to NEVER have any contact with him?

All contact from the OM should be with YOUR ATTORNEY. You should not be in contact with ratboy either.

Has your wife agreed to the concepts we gave above?

i have an attorney but it must be her to do this and not me!

But it is up to YOU to set the conditions. Have you given her your conditions? Do you and your wife have legal protection?

Do you have anything specific we can help you with?
It is difficult to know what you want.

What we do know is that you must set boundaries and list specific behaviors you will not tolerate from your WW.
WW must be told of these boundaries in clear, no nonsense, unemotional terms/words.
We also know you must enforce your boundaries. That does NOT mean forcing WW to do anything. What that means is you know ahead of time exactly what YOU will do if/when WW crosses your boundaries of tolerance. And you must make good on your promises.

Have you done anything like this at all? This is not a "yes or no" question. Tell us what boundaries you have established and how you intend to enforce your boundaries.

I told her if i find any contact with OM then we are done. Any contact with OM must go through me.

Define "any contact".
Let's say for example, WW decides to give an update about her pregnancy to a person who knows OM. She is aware that the update will probably be passed along to OM.
Does this count?

You must be very specific with waywards.

I completely agree. Up to this point in the thread it seems like she wants to continue contact and use the baby as an excuse. No. What could he possibly need to know about the pregnancy that makes no contact impossible? Nothing!

Actually I think the two of you should go in and visit an attorney together. You can both ask questions about how you can set this up if OM is going to fight for visitation.

Then you two can make a plan on how to make this happen.

I think this guy is just blowing air and trying to break up your marriage so he can have her. He's probably going to disappear once this becomes too much work.

Right now, while she is panicky that she may still lose you and the kids, is when you are in the position to set boundaries long term. Don't let her rope you into this guy being around in the background.

That is the pickle of this situation:( she feels OM has right to know somehow about the development of this child. he is willing to be involved financially for this child and i feel that this is not my mess to clean up!!! pepperband... does this POSOM not have right to know development of his child?

Here's the problem. She still thinks she gets to set the rules and decides what is fair. She is trying to negotiate to keep OM in the picture, even in a small way. This will hurt your attempts to rebuild your marriage. What about your 'right' to a good marriage? what about your 'right' to peace of mind? There is nothing about his ejaculating semen that overrides these things. He knew he was sleeping with a married woman, to heck with his rights.

If she can't do this its time for Plan A followed by Plan B.