My wife told me she had slept with another man last summer. I was upset of course but i accepted the truth about until i found out that they became friends on facebook. We had been having problems leading up to this point and she had been having some issues. She left and got a place her own of her own in september. We have been together for 17 years and have three children together. She resumed her relationship with the man she had told me about in in the summer. I got temporary custody of our children and she received after school visitation with no overnights. In december i made an effort to reconcile and she told me she was pregnant and in love with this OM. I had a vasectomy after our last child and i am sure that it is not mine!!! I am not so sure that she wanted did not want to get pregnant. In january she stated that she still loved me and wants to work this out and we have been to counseling twice.(she also was convicted of a dui in jan) She has had no contact with the OM for 2 weeks but i am sure he is wanting to be involved with this child. I love my wife and don't want our kids to have a broken home. How do we tell them that their mother is pregnant from another man? I am mainly contemplating this for our children. If OM gets courts involved will this child carry his name? A baby from this affair is enough but this OM being involved has me concerned for the long term. Should I try to make our marriage work or is it damaged beyond repair?If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?
withaheavyheart, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. The only way your marriage will survive is if she ends all contact with the OM for life. Please go read the links here and you will get guidance on how to handle this difficult situation.
Start Here
I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
This OM is wanting this child to be involved with this child, It seems it will be very difficult to not have some contact between them due to the pregnancy. I feel this child will be a constant reminder of the affair. How do i explain the fact to our children that their mother is pregnant from another man?
This OM is wanting this child to be involved with this child, It seems it will be very difficult to not have some contact between them due to the pregnancy. I feel this child will be a constant reminder of the affair. How do i explain the fact to our children that their mother is pregnant from another man?
I would do everything to shut the OM out as Dr Harley recommends. Even if it means fighting him in court. If he stays in the childs life, it will be a nightmare because you will have to find an intermediary to facilitate visitation.
The child will be a reminder of the affair. You have to decide if you can live like that. I would wait to explain this to your children.
****edit****
Is OM married?
Does your WW want to take the steps to recover your marriage and go NC with OM?
The OM is not married and i am sure still wants relationship with my wife!!! I see no way for there to be NC even though they have not spoken in a few weeks due to this pregnancy. i plan on being in the room when they do. if he goes to court he will at least get visitation. and does he have the right to give this child his last name if he does prove paternity? BTW baby due end of july
Did you see this? What Dr. Harley recommends?
I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
how is restraining order possible brainhurt with her being pregnant? it is his child but i want my wife. that might inflame the situation right now. exposure is not tactic that will work either in this situation due the fact that his family knows about pregnancy. he is 3 hours away though
Listen to these radio clips from Dr. Harley.
Radio Clip on what to do when a pregnancy happens from an affair Radio clip on OC Please let us know what you think.
The OM is not married and i am sure still wants relationship with my wife!!! I see no way for there to be NC even though they have not spoken in a few weeks due to this pregnancy. i plan on being in the room when they do. if he goes to court he will at least get visitation. and does he have the right to give this child his last name if he does prove paternity? BTW baby due end of july
If you're in the U.S., it would be almost impossible for him to assert paternity or visitation if YOU, the legal father, want to raise the child as your own. But it's also a risk for you...as if your marriage doesn't survive, you could be the one on the hook for child support. Do you have a lawyer, since you say there is already a custody order with your wife? Talk to your lawyer...these are serious legal questions.
How old are your children? Did you expose your wife's affair to the?
This might be a situation where you would benefit from individual counseling to sort out your options and what you can emotionally handle.
she also was convicted of a dui in jan)
More importantly, the above? I believe that Dr Harley advises that when there is a alcohol addiction, that must be dealt with first & foremost.
HeavyHeart, is your WW an alcoholic?
The OM is not married and i am sure still wants relationship with my wife!!! I see no way for there to be NC even though they have not spoken in a few weeks due to this pregnancy. i plan on being in the room when they do. if he goes to court he will at least get visitation. and does he have the right to give this child his last name if he does prove paternity? BTW baby due end of july
Yes, there is a way for there to be no contact. There should NEVER be contact again. Did you read the post from Dr Harley? You should contact an attorney ASAP so you are protected. But unless your wife agrees to never be in contact with him again, this will not work. Your marriage will never make it.
Actually (and unfortunately) the majority of states do allow for an OM to challenge and assert paternity.
Here's the breakdown as of 2006 (I haven't researched lately but KY may have changed their mind recently)
Paternity Presumption states by statute or case law:
Alabama, California, Minnesota, North Dakota, Florida, Kentucky, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wyoming
States where the law is still very unclear:
Missouri, New York, North Carolina, Rhode Island & South Dakota
All other states don't recognize or apply the paternity presumption [thus permitting OM's legal status to intrude into families].
Of course, these laws are ever changing and I don't recall when my resource was published. BTW, these laws typically are utilized by married men trying to escape responsibility for children that are not theirs. For example, I believe in Michigan if a married man finds out 25 months after the child is born the kid is not his he is still presumed the father and on the hook legally for support. These laws are typically not used by OM's to establish rights as they typically don't want the financial obligation along with severly limited visitation.
2013 NOTE = The KY Supreme Court heard another case and changed their position and Michigan, in 2012, by statute revoked the paternity presumption
Seek legal advice before discussing this with anyone...most particularly OM. Regardless, your wife can and still should choose to never speak to him again EVER. If you must...YOU handle all communications.
Whatever state you are in just google "paternity presumption [your state name]" and you'll get some lay information on the subject.
Here is a link to an old MB thread which discusses and debates a hotly contested Kentucky case involving the paternity presumption. No one would ever sign up for the notoriety of the parties involved in that case but such examples are extremely rare. Most OM's don't fight like that weirdo in Kentucky.
KY Court Rules Father is husband not Affair Partner Mr. Wondering
There are some couples who raise the OC without the involvement of the OM. That would be my condition to staying married but that is due to MY experience with having to deal with xOW and visitation with my FWH's OC.
You will need to tell your children the truth, especially if other people know about the A and the pregnancy. It would be best not to lie to them or to the OC who you need to tell at an appropriate age if you can manage to keep OM out of the picture.
You can look for writer1's thread in the pregnancy/child forum here.
There are some couples who raise the OC without the involvement of the OM. That would be my condition to staying married but that is due to MY experience with having to deal with xOW and visitation with my FWH's OC.
You will need to tell your children the truth, especially if other people know about the A and the pregnancy. It would be best not to lie to them or to the OC who you need to tell at an appropriate age if you can manage to keep OM out of the picture.
You can look for writer1's thread in the pregnancy/child forum here.
Here it is.
writer1's story in a nutshell
Here are a couple of threads for you to read. Wanthealing's thread is about how to maintain NC while OM has C with OC. Writer1's thread is about BH raising OC as his own with NC with OM.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546279&page=4http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=157588&Number=2264928#Post2264928
how is restraining order possible brainhurt with her being pregnant? it is his child but i want my wife. that might inflame the situation right now. exposure is not tactic that will work either in this situation due the fact that his family knows about pregnancy. he is 3 hours away though
With, a restraining order would be necessary if he tried to contact your wife. And recovery is impossible unless she agrees to off all contact with the OM. Just because he impregnated your wife does not entitle him to direct contact.
In order for OM to make any claims on the child, he will need to prove paternity. Do not do the footwork for OM. Do not request a DNA test. If OM goes THROUGH THE COURT and obtains a court ordered DNA, then you will do what the court tells you to do. Often times, affair partners are very lazy and want things to "just happen" for them without expending effort themselves. It is likely OM will not do the footwork for quite awhile, if at all. This is the best for your family is you plan to remain married to your wife.
It would be foolish for you not to seek counsel from a family law attorney NOW. You need to know the laws about paying child support should you decide to divorce your wife.
If you WANT OM to pay child support (which gives him a footing for visitation with the child only, not with your wife) then you would want to get a court ordered DNA test.
It all depends on what YOU want to do at this point.
If you want your marriage and do not want to assist OM in gaining a footing for child support, do not ask for DNA.
If you want end this marriage and do not want to pay child support, get a court ordered DNA done.
You need to know what you want.
See an attorney. Save yourself the grief of regretting not seeing one. Get advice/information ahead of trouble.
The following is my opinion, not advice:
If WW is making arguments (to you) that defend OM's "right" to see this child, my opinion is that it is your best interest to file for a divorce and explain to the kids exactly what is happening, and why. If your wife is not 100% convinced to stay 100% away from OM for the remainder of their lives, my opinion is that she is not really committed to recovery.
A clean break needs to be made. WW's actual choices are the following:
1. A 100% clean break from OM
2. You divorce her.
There is not a third choice. Ask her to make a choice by the end of this week.
The following is my opinion, not advice:
If WW is making arguments (to you) that defend OM's "right" to see this child, my opinion is that it is your best interest to file for a divorce and explain to the kids exactly what is happening, and why. If your wife is not 100% convinced to stay 100% away from OM for the remainder of their lives, my opinion is that she is not really committed to recovery.
A clean break needs to be made. WW's actual choices are the following:
1. A 100% clean break from OM
2. You divorce her.
There is not a third choice. Ask her to make a choice by the end of this week.
This is wisdom. Do as Pep says.
she says she loves me and loves our children. i have been to the point of getting D papers written up. I don't want to give up but...
she says she loves me and loves our children. i have been to the point of getting D papers written up. I don't want to give up but...
Have you consulted an attorney?
Did you read our posts? The fact that she says she loves you is really beside the point. What matters is if she will do the things necessary to protect your marriage, such as agree to never see or speak to the OM again.
If she takes the necessary steps to recover and protect your marriage will you stay with her?
If she truly loves you and your children and wants to work things out, there is no question. She must accept NC for life. It is the only way to be sure you don't end up in the same situation again. It will also help you begin healing.
she has been in NC with OM and changed her cell number. I told her any contact w other man has to be through me. OM is has sent letter and wants to be involved with the child. OM attorney said to have NC with me in the letter to my wife. I know she wants to talk to him.
she has been in NC with OM and changed her cell number. I told her any contact w other man has to be through me. OM is has sent letter and wants to be involved. OM attorney said to have NC with me in the letter to my wife. I know she wants to talk to him.
Time for you to lawyer up and have your lawyer demand NC between your WW and OM. This must be done now. Instruct your lawyer that OM and his lawyer are not to have direct contact with WW.
Any contact with OM goes through you?
NC is for both of you for life. Though with the OC, I'm not certain about...well, certain details. I'll let the others handle it.
Being OM has hired a lawyer I assume he is fighting to have his name on the BC and have visitation and or some form of custody.
Then you must have your lawyer file for OM to pay CS, health care, set up college fund money now that will provide $100,000 for OC.
she has been in NC with OM and changed her cell number. I told her any contact w other man has to be through me. OM is has sent letter and wants to be involved with the child. OM attorney said to have NC with me in the letter to my wife. I know she wants to talk to him.
Have you contacted an attorney? And has your wife agreed to NEVER have any contact with him?
All contact from the OM should be with YOUR ATTORNEY. You should not be in contact with ratboy either.
Has your wife agreed to the concepts we gave above?
i have an attorney but it must be her to do this and not me!
i have an attorney but it must be her to do this and not me!
But it is up to YOU to set the conditions. Have you given her your conditions? Do you and your wife have legal protection?
i have an attorney but it must be her to do this and not me!
It is difficult to know what you want.What we do know is that you must set boundaries and list specific behaviors you will not tolerate from your WW.
WW must be told of these boundaries in clear, no nonsense, unemotional terms/words.
We also know you must enforce your boundaries. That does NOT mean forcing WW to do anything. What that means is you know ahead of time exactly what YOU will do if/when WW crosses your boundaries of tolerance. And you must make good on your promises.
Have you done anything like this at all? This is not a "yes or no" question. Tell us what boundaries you have established and how you intend to enforce your boundaries.
I told her if i find any contact with OM then we are done. Any contact with OM must go through me.
I told her if i find any contact with OM then we are done. Any contact with OM must go through me.
Define "any contact".
Let's say for example, WW decides to give an update about her pregnancy to a person who knows OM. She is aware that the update will probably be passed along to OM.
Does this count?
You must be very specific with waywards.
A clean break needs to be made. WW's actual choices are the following:
1. A 100% clean break from OM
2. You divorce her.
There is not a third choice. Ask her to make a choice by the end of this week.
I completely agree. Up to this point in the thread it seems like she wants to continue contact and use the baby as an excuse. No. What could he possibly need to know about the pregnancy that makes no contact impossible? Nothing!
i have an attorney but it must be her to do this and not me!
Actually I think the two of you should go in and visit an attorney together. You can both ask questions about how you can set this up if OM is going to fight for visitation.
Then you two can make a plan on how to make this happen.
I think this guy is just blowing air and trying to break up your marriage so he can have her. He's probably going to disappear once this becomes too much work.
Right now, while she is panicky that she may still lose you and the kids, is when you are in the position to set boundaries long term. Don't let her rope you into this guy being around in the background.
That is the pickle of this situation:( she feels OM has right to know somehow about the development of this child. he is willing to be involved financially for this child and i feel that this is not my mess to clean up!!! pepperband... does this POSOM not have right to know development of his child?
she feels OM has right to know somehow about the development of this child
Here's the problem. She still thinks she gets to set the rules and decides what is fair. She is trying to negotiate to keep OM in the picture, even in a small way. This will hurt your attempts to rebuild your marriage. What about your 'right' to a good marriage? what about your 'right' to peace of mind? There is nothing about his ejaculating semen that overrides these things. He knew he was sleeping with a married woman, to heck with his rights.
If she can't do this its time for Plan A followed by Plan B.
WHH,
Tell the OM he can have sole custody provided that you and WW supply no child support or contact. Since his family knows about the child contact is assured as they already consider the baby family.
Did you also consider adopting the baby out? I'm an OC and this was done for me.
God Bless
Gamma
So how do i support her? do i pay for this affair child? if i do pay the bills and OM involved then what? I love her but when is it time to throw in the towel? I am a mess on what is right to do.
If he pays child support, he gets visitation.
If no one files anything, then you pay and don't have to give visitation.
You and wife need to go see lawyer.
No contact needs to be bottom line demand. Do NOT settle for less, you don't deserve it.
Well if we both have NC except for attorney and he DOES get involved with this child legally... how f'd up will this unborn child be in the long run and way more of my concern, how much damage will this situation bring to our children???
was this really covered under "for better or worse"?
WHH,
If you arrange the adoption before the baby is born, some adoptive parents will pay the copays and the uncovered medical expenses. Seriously adoptive parents may be able to provide a more stable environment for the baby, and your natural children will not have to split their inheritance with a half-sibliing.
http://www.goldencradle.org/God Bless
Gamma
That is the pickle of this situation:( she feels OM has right to know somehow about the development of this child. he is willing to be involved financially for this child and i feel that this is not my mess to clean up!!! pepperband... does this POSOM not have right to know development of his child?
Does the POSOM have a court order to know "development of his child?" If so, then the answer is yes and that update must come from someone OTHER THAN you and your wife. If she won't agree to those terms, then you should plan to divorce.
Well if we both have NC except for attorney and he DOES get involved with this child legally... how f'd up will this unborn child be in the long run and way more of my concern, how much damage will this situation bring to our children???
If there is no contact between the child and the OM, the child will be JUST FINE. Much better than if the child is contact with him because that will endanger your marriage and your children's family.
The ideal situation is no contact with the OM. NONE. Not between the child and the OM and not between your wife and the OM. You shouldn't allow contact between your wife and the OM REGARDLESS of what happens and you should not allow any contact with the OM and the OC without a court order.
We have told you this many, many times, though. Are you reading the posts?
was this really covered under "for better or worse"?
No, it absolutely is not. Adultery is justification for a divorce in the Bible.
The argument goes something like this: We should love our spouses unconditionally because Jesus Christ loves us unconditionally. Even if it's not safe or practical to do so (as with infidelity, physical abuse, or divorce) we should love unconditionally out of obedience to God. While I certainly encourage being in obedience to God, I can't find any text from the Christian Bible that suggests that conclusion.
So melody then i should not continue the path that i am on? i feel that the most important building block of any relationship is trust and that i do not trust my wife right now. that means then i have some hard decisions to make. i love her but i do not trust her and i do not know if our trust issues can be repaired:(
So melody then i should not continue the path that i am on? i feel that the most important building block of any relationship is trust and that i do not trust my wife right now. that means then i have some hard decisions to make. i love her but i do not trust her and i do not know if our trust issues can be repaired:(
Finally, there's all the lies. Your spouse looks right into your eyes and lies to you about everything. Faced with undeniable evidence, he or she grudgingly and defensively admits to one lie after another, rarely accompanied by apologies. How can there ever be trust again?
Trust is a dangerous thing. You trust, but verify. She has already proven herself unworthy of your trust and you think it is bad to not trust her?
It's perfectly natural.
So melody then i should not continue the path that i am on?
I don't know the path you are on. What you should do is follow Dr Harleys instructions.
What is your path? Because I don't see a plan here. Are you following Dr Harley's instructions?
It is not "trust" issues that are the problem. It is your boundaries and her boundaries.
Did you read this?
I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Things ok at best. I asked her if she still had feelings for OM and she said yes but it was a mistake. How do i handle this?
Things ok at best. I asked her if she still had feelings for OM and she said yes but it was a mistake. How do i handle this?
We told you how to handle this. Did you read our posts?
posting again:
Did you read this?
I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
But she still has feelings for OM
But she still has feelings for OM
We know.
Did you read my post?
Posting again:
posting again:
Did you read this?
I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
My friend, you are not going to make if you can't put aside your emotions and follow a plan. Can you follow a plan?
My point melody is that if she has feelings for this POSOM then how on earth are we ever going to fix our relationship? OM already trying to contact about medical bills etc... so him being in the picture is looking likely right now
My point melody is that if she has feelings for this POSOM then how on earth are we ever going to fix our relationship? OM already trying to contact about medical bills etc... so him being in the picture is looking likely right now
You fix your relationship the way we TOLD YOU. Are you reading our posts?
We KNOW she has "feelings" for the OM. We don't care because it doesn't matter. What matters is that you and your wife follow Dr Harley's instructions and she NEVER has any contact with the OM again.
My point melody is that if she has feelings for this POSOM then how on earth are we ever going to fix our relationship? OM already trying to contact about medical bills etc... so him being in the picture is looking likely right now
The point is WW's have feeling for their OM. They let the OM bang them bare back and don't care that the OM will get them pregnant.
WW's get addicted to their OM. Further proof of why WW's have feelings for their OM.
Your WW is just a run of the mill WW. They all have sex without making the OM wear a condom. They all love and become addicted to their OM.
As with any addiction the WW can get clean from her drug/OM.
It takes time and NC.
Have you hired a lawyer to respond to the OM's lawyer?
I think the answer is no. You are wasting time.
When this OM sees that he will never be allowed to see WW, and have to pay OC's CS, health ins, $100,000 college fund he will disappear.
Agree 100% with Mel. Stop asking how she feels. Take charge of the situation! If she won't agree to no contact you might as well separate
She has agreed NC with other man. OM attorney has sent papers to establish paternity today delivered today by deputy sheriff. NC possible especially if he already doing this???
Yes no contact is still possible.
He's waging war on your marriage. You need to put your hard hat on and send a nuclear bomb into his fantasy.
She has agreed NC with other man. OM attorney has sent papers to establish paternity today delivered today by deputy sheriff. NC possible especially if he already doing this???
When are you getting your own lawyer?
Nuclear bomb fantasy?? wants to establish paternity and took 1st steps. the child is not mine but product of affair. that makes it WW situation to deal with legally especially when paternity gets established. My wife can admit paternity or dna gets test done. either way he gets paternity established. we all know that it is OM's baby.not going to be possible to keep him away from child and possibly around for next long time of our lives. my options are limited. Do i give my wife ultimatum of choosing our marriage or giving up this baby if we are to make it??? Having an abortion is out of the equation.
She has agreed NC with other man. OM attorney has sent papers to establish paternity today delivered today by deputy sheriff. NC possible especially if he already doing this???
Of course! No contact is the ONLY WAY this should be handled. IF the OM has a court order to see the child, an intermediary should be designated so you and your wife NEVER have any contact with the OM. The child exchanges would be handled by the intermediary, which should be paid for by the OM. Did you get an attorney?
And did you read Dr Harley's instructions about how to handle this? I don't get the feeling you are reading our posts.
have an attorney and he says that baby is mine unless paternity is established and that OM has right to at minimum of visitation once that paternity is established and the possibilty joint custody. 1 week with us and 1 week with OM. too many things to contemplate
Melody i do not feel you are reading all of my details. OM is obviously not going away.
With, if you don't get a grip on yourself you are not going to make it. You need to snap out of it and start listening to us. If you can't get control of your situation, you are damning yourself to a life of hell.
Now, you need to sit your wife down and tell her that you will only be staying in this marriage if she agrees to NEVER have contact with the OM again. If he has a court ordered right to see the child, then he will have to pay for an intermediary who will handle child exchanges. The IM would also be responsible for passing on any pertinent information from the OM to YOU - only.
If she agrees to those things, your marriage might have a CHANCE. If not, this is hopeless because keeping the OM around will keep you both wrecked. You will be wrecked and your wife will continue her affair. Your marriage won't survive that.
If she agrees to those things, I would contact a lawyer immediately to get protection. The lawyer must facilitate the above arrangement.
If she won't agree to end all contact with the OM, you need to file for divorce ASAP and get legal custody of your children so you are legally protected.
Whichever way, you have to see an attorney to get protection for you and your kids.
Can you WAKE up and do this?
Melody i do not feel you are reading all of my details. OM is obviously not going away.
Why won't you read my posts??? I have read every one of yours and responded. Why won't you follow the instructions?
Your response please:
With, if you don't get a grip on yourself you are not going to make it. You need to snap out of it and start listening to us. If you can't get control of your situation, you are damning yourself to a life of hell.
Now, you need to sit your wife down and tell her that you will only be staying in this marriage if she agrees to NEVER have contact with the OM again. If he has a court ordered right to see the child, then he will have to pay for an intermediary who will handle child exchanges. The IM would also be responsible for passing on any pertinent information from the OM to YOU - only.
If she agrees to those things, your marriage might have a CHANCE. If not, this is hopeless because keeping the OM around will keep you both wrecked. You will be wrecked and your wife will continue her affair. Your marriage won't survive that.
If she agrees to those things, I would contact a lawyer immediately to get protection. The lawyer must facilitate the above arrangement.
If she won't agree to end all contact with the OM, you need to file for divorce ASAP and get legal custody of your children so you are legally protected.
Whichever way, you have to see an attorney to get protection for you and your kids.
Can you WAKE up and do this?
I spent alot of time writing this and i would like a response.
If I am not on the BC, my wife not me legally would be the one that would have the set up legal contact with the IM. this is not MY child if i am not on BC and right now that looks very doubtful. I have very little control other than over what i tell my wife she can and cannot do.
If I am not on the BC, my wife not me legally would be the one that would have the set up legal contact with the IM. this is not MY child if i am not on BC and right now that looks very doubtful. I have very little control other than over what i tell my wife she can and cannot do.
But as her husband, YOU set the conditions for your agreement to stay. Do you understand? You have full control over what you will or won't agree to. This is not out of your control and is going to spiral out of control if you don't get a grip here.
You have absolute control over whether or not you agree to stay in this marriage. And you don't set the conditions, you will not have a marriage.
Understand?
You need to go tell your wife what your conditions will be. If you don't, you are screwed.
With, if you don't get a grip on yourself you are not going to make it. You need to snap out of it and start listening to us. If you can't get control of your situation, you are damning yourself to a life of hell.
Now, you need to sit your wife down and tell her that you will only be staying in this marriage if she agrees to NEVER have contact with the OM again. If he has a court ordered right to see the child, then he will have to pay for an intermediary who will handle child exchanges. The IM would also be responsible for passing on any pertinent information from the OM to YOU - only.
If she agrees to those things, your marriage might have a CHANCE. If not, this is hopeless because keeping the OM around will keep you both wrecked. You will be wrecked and your wife will continue her affair. Your marriage won't survive that.
If she agrees to those things, I would contact a lawyer immediately to get protection. The lawyer must facilitate the above arrangement.
If she won't agree to end all contact with the OM, you need to file for divorce ASAP and get legal custody of your children so you are legally protected.
Whichever way, you have to see an attorney to get protection for you and your kids.
Can you WAKE up and do this?
Now, you need to sit your wife down and tell her that you will only be staying in this marriage if she agrees to NEVER have contact with the OM again. If he has a court ordered right to see the child, then he will have to pay for an intermediary who will handle child exchanges. The IM would also be responsible for passing on any pertinent information from the OM to YOU - only.
If she agrees to those things, your marriage might have a CHANCE. If not, this is hopeless because keeping the OM around will keep you both wrecked. You will be wrecked and your wife will continue her affair. Your marriage won't survive that.
If she agrees to those things, I would contact a lawyer immediately to get protection. The lawyer must facilitate the above arrangement.
If she won't agree to end all contact with the OM, you need to file for divorce ASAP and get legal custody of your children so you are legally protected.
Whichever way, you have to see an attorney to get protection for you and your kids.
Can you WAKE up and do this?
Explain to her that she needs to send a no contact letter to the OM that is approved by you and mailed together. Here is a sample from Surviving an Affair.
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
[from SAA, pg 58]
OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
I see everything you are saying but i you are incorrect about my legal right to be the contact person with IM according to my attorney. that would be her due to the fact that I am only step-father once paternity established if we stay together
I see everything you are saying but i you are incorrect about my legal right to be the contact person with IM according to my attorney. that would be her due to the fact that I am only step-father once paternity established if we stay together
Oh no. She does not have to be the contact person. You tell your attorney that she will have no contact and that you will be screening anything that comes from the IM. The attorney works for you and you need to tell him this is how it will be.
That is what I have been telling you for days. The OM can only contact you and your wife through an IM who will screen the information.
The OM should not be contacting you or your wife right now for any reason whatsoever. There is no child, no DNA test done and no court order forcing contact with the child.
It is your attorneys job to protect you and your wife from any contact. There is no reason for any contact right now. No child = no reason for contact.
Have you had this discussion with your wife?
Now, you need to sit your wife down and tell her that you will only be staying in this marriage if she agrees to NEVER have contact with the OM again. If he has a court ordered right to see the child, then he will have to pay for an intermediary who will handle child exchanges. The IM would also be responsible for passing on any pertinent information from the OM to YOU - only.
If she agrees to those things, your marriage might have a CHANCE. If not, this is hopeless because keeping the OM around will keep you both wrecked. You will be wrecked and your wife will continue her affair. Your marriage won't survive that.
If she agrees to those things, I would contact a lawyer immediately to get protection. The lawyer must facilitate the above arrangement.
If she won't agree to end all contact with the OM, you need to file for divorce ASAP and get legal custody of your children so you are legally protected.
Whichever way, you have to see an attorney to get protection for you and your kids.
Can you WAKE up and do this?
Are you saying that you are afraid of your wife? Cause I don't get why this seems so hard to you. This seems like the easy way out. Even if you do have shared custody, never having to see or speak to the OM will be SO much easier on all of you (except OC, esp. when he/she gets older).
As one poster advised, let the burden of proof of paternity fall on OM. Your wife should NOT admit his paternity. Let him order the DNA tests. Advise your lawyer of this.
Then read this you need a lawyer to fight to protect you and your WW and insure that there will be NC. That if OM gets custody OM will have to pay CS and health insurance. That the OC will have to be handed off at a neutral place and left with a qualified person to handle the OC hand off. That you will bring the OC to these hand offs and WW will never be there with you or alone. That all exchanges of info concerning the OC between OM and WW, you, must be done through a intermediary.
Fire this lawyer if he will not do what needs to be done. This lawyer does not want to work. He just wants to be a doormat for the OM and his lawyer.
I see everything you are saying but i you are incorrect about my legal right to be the contact person with IM according to my attorney. that would be her due to the fact that I am only step-father once paternity established if we stay together
You are not denying OM the right to address WW on OC parenting issues.
You are to be an extra filter to prevent anything that may get through the IM from the OM that is not a OC parenting issue. Then to follow up with the IM to prevent inappropriate communication happening again.
Vets let me know if I'm out of line but have you considered adoption? Your getting good advice here on a very delicate situation. Please stop making excuses and execute. You will feel better.
If she insists on handling the contact between her and this man, she will almost certainly go in and out of an affair with him and your marriage will not recover. You may as well tell her its you or him, and if she chooses him at least you can break free and move on.