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WHH,
Tell the OM he can have sole custody provided that you and WW supply no child support or contact. Since his family knows about the child contact is assured as they already consider the baby family.
Did you also consider adopting the baby out? I'm an OC and this was done for me.
God Bless
Gamma
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So how do i support her? do i pay for this affair child? if i do pay the bills and OM involved then what? I love her but when is it time to throw in the towel? I am a mess on what is right to do.
Last edited by withaheavyheart; 02/15/13 07:23 PM.
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If he pays child support, he gets visitation.
If no one files anything, then you pay and don't have to give visitation.
You and wife need to go see lawyer.
No contact needs to be bottom line demand. Do NOT settle for less, you don't deserve it.
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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Well if we both have NC except for attorney and he DOES get involved with this child legally... how f'd up will this unborn child be in the long run and way more of my concern, how much damage will this situation bring to our children???
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was this really covered under "for better or worse"?
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WHH, If you arrange the adoption before the baby is born, some adoptive parents will pay the copays and the uncovered medical expenses. Seriously adoptive parents may be able to provide a more stable environment for the baby, and your natural children will not have to split their inheritance with a half-sibliing. http://www.goldencradle.org/God Bless Gamma
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That is the pickle of this situation:( she feels OM has right to know somehow about the development of this child. he is willing to be involved financially for this child and i feel that this is not my mess to clean up!!! pepperband... does this POSOM not have right to know development of his child? Does the POSOM have a court order to know "development of his child?" If so, then the answer is yes and that update must come from someone OTHER THAN you and your wife. If she won't agree to those terms, then you should plan to divorce.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well if we both have NC except for attorney and he DOES get involved with this child legally... how f'd up will this unborn child be in the long run and way more of my concern, how much damage will this situation bring to our children??? If there is no contact between the child and the OM, the child will be JUST FINE. Much better than if the child is contact with him because that will endanger your marriage and your children's family. The ideal situation is no contact with the OM. NONE. Not between the child and the OM and not between your wife and the OM. You shouldn't allow contact between your wife and the OM REGARDLESS of what happens and you should not allow any contact with the OM and the OC without a court order. We have told you this many, many times, though. Are you reading the posts?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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was this really covered under "for better or worse"? No, it absolutely is not. Adultery is justification for a divorce in the Bible. The argument goes something like this: We should love our spouses unconditionally because Jesus Christ loves us unconditionally. Even if it's not safe or practical to do so (as with infidelity, physical abuse, or divorce) we should love unconditionally out of obedience to God. While I certainly encourage being in obedience to God, I can't find any text from the Christian Bible that suggests that conclusion.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So melody then i should not continue the path that i am on? i feel that the most important building block of any relationship is trust and that i do not trust my wife right now. that means then i have some hard decisions to make. i love her but i do not trust her and i do not know if our trust issues can be repaired:(
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So melody then i should not continue the path that i am on? i feel that the most important building block of any relationship is trust and that i do not trust my wife right now. that means then i have some hard decisions to make. i love her but i do not trust her and i do not know if our trust issues can be repaired:( Finally, there's all the lies. Your spouse looks right into your eyes and lies to you about everything. Faced with undeniable evidence, he or she grudgingly and defensively admits to one lie after another, rarely accompanied by apologies. How can there ever be trust again?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Trust is a dangerous thing. You trust, but verify. She has already proven herself unworthy of your trust and you think it is bad to not trust her?
It's perfectly natural.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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So melody then i should not continue the path that i am on? I don't know the path you are on. What you should do is follow Dr Harleys instructions. What is your path? Because I don't see a plan here. Are you following Dr Harley's instructions? It is not "trust" issues that are the problem. It is your boundaries and her boundaries.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did you read this? I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Things ok at best. I asked her if she still had feelings for OM and she said yes but it was a mistake. How do i handle this?
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Things ok at best. I asked her if she still had feelings for OM and she said yes but it was a mistake. How do i handle this? We told you how to handle this. Did you read our posts?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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posting again: Did you read this? I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But she still has feelings for OM
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But she still has feelings for OM We know. Did you read my post?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Posting again: posting again: Did you read this? I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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