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Now, you need to sit your wife down and tell her that you will only be staying in this marriage if she agrees to NEVER have contact with the OM again. If he has a court ordered right to see the child, then he will have to pay for an intermediary who will handle child exchanges. The IM would also be responsible for passing on any pertinent information from the OM to YOU - only.
If she agrees to those things, your marriage might have a CHANCE. If not, this is hopeless because keeping the OM around will keep you both wrecked. You will be wrecked and your wife will continue her affair. Your marriage won't survive that.
If she agrees to those things, I would contact a lawyer immediately to get protection. The lawyer must facilitate the above arrangement.
If she won't agree to end all contact with the OM, you need to file for divorce ASAP and get legal custody of your children so you are legally protected.
Whichever way, you have to see an attorney to get protection for you and your kids.
Can you WAKE up and do this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Explain to her that she needs to send a no contact letter to the OM that is approved by you and mailed together. Here is a sample from Surviving an Affair. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I see everything you are saying but i you are incorrect about my legal right to be the contact person with IM according to my attorney. that would be her due to the fact that I am only step-father once paternity established if we stay together
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I see everything you are saying but i you are incorrect about my legal right to be the contact person with IM according to my attorney. that would be her due to the fact that I am only step-father once paternity established if we stay together Oh no. She does not have to be the contact person. You tell your attorney that she will have no contact and that you will be screening anything that comes from the IM. The attorney works for you and you need to tell him this is how it will be.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That is what I have been telling you for days. The OM can only contact you and your wife through an IM who will screen the information.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OM should not be contacting you or your wife right now for any reason whatsoever. There is no child, no DNA test done and no court order forcing contact with the child.
It is your attorneys job to protect you and your wife from any contact. There is no reason for any contact right now. No child = no reason for contact.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you had this discussion with your wife? Now, you need to sit your wife down and tell her that you will only be staying in this marriage if she agrees to NEVER have contact with the OM again. If he has a court ordered right to see the child, then he will have to pay for an intermediary who will handle child exchanges. The IM would also be responsible for passing on any pertinent information from the OM to YOU - only.
If she agrees to those things, your marriage might have a CHANCE. If not, this is hopeless because keeping the OM around will keep you both wrecked. You will be wrecked and your wife will continue her affair. Your marriage won't survive that.
If she agrees to those things, I would contact a lawyer immediately to get protection. The lawyer must facilitate the above arrangement.
If she won't agree to end all contact with the OM, you need to file for divorce ASAP and get legal custody of your children so you are legally protected.
Whichever way, you have to see an attorney to get protection for you and your kids.
Can you WAKE up and do this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are you saying that you are afraid of your wife? Cause I don't get why this seems so hard to you. This seems like the easy way out. Even if you do have shared custody, never having to see or speak to the OM will be SO much easier on all of you (except OC, esp. when he/she gets older).
As one poster advised, let the burden of proof of paternity fall on OM. Your wife should NOT admit his paternity. Let him order the DNA tests. Advise your lawyer of this.
Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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Then read this you need a lawyer to fight to protect you and your WW and insure that there will be NC. That if OM gets custody OM will have to pay CS and health insurance. That the OC will have to be handed off at a neutral place and left with a qualified person to handle the OC hand off. That you will bring the OC to these hand offs and WW will never be there with you or alone. That all exchanges of info concerning the OC between OM and WW, you, must be done through a intermediary. Fire this lawyer if he will not do what needs to be done. This lawyer does not want to work. He just wants to be a doormat for the OM and his lawyer.
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I see everything you are saying but i you are incorrect about my legal right to be the contact person with IM according to my attorney. that would be her due to the fact that I am only step-father once paternity established if we stay together You are not denying OM the right to address WW on OC parenting issues. You are to be an extra filter to prevent anything that may get through the IM from the OM that is not a OC parenting issue. Then to follow up with the IM to prevent inappropriate communication happening again.
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Vets let me know if I'm out of line but have you considered adoption? Your getting good advice here on a very delicate situation. Please stop making excuses and execute. You will feel better.
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If she insists on handling the contact between her and this man, she will almost certainly go in and out of an affair with him and your marriage will not recover. You may as well tell her its you or him, and if she chooses him at least you can break free and move on.
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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