I have infidelity problems within my marriage. It's not my spouse, it's me. I'm not sure why I keep having this problem but I really want to stop. I'm not ready to give up on my marriage or to let my husband go. Our whole marriage has been like this since day one.

We first meet and he was a coworker of mine. I thought we hit things off very well. At that time I was talking to someone else but it was nothing serious so I didn't give it a second thought. Soon I felt like my whole life revolved around him, I was consumed by him. A few months later we gotten pregnant with our first daughter but we ended up splitting up. While split up I went out on a couple of dates but did not do anything to serious with anyone due to the fact that my heart still belonged to him. After our daughter was born we ended up getting back together. Things were great for a long time between us. Yes, we had our fights but nothing that we could not handle. After a few years we ended up having another child, soon after we moved to another stated. After a year or two we had decided we wanted to move back to our home state, so my husband took my and our daughters there while he went back up to finish taking care of everything else. We weren't split up at that time or anything but I had eventually stated texting another coworker and sending him inappropriate pictures of myself. Needless to say my husband found and we eventually split. While we were split he ended up going back to his exwife and I dated a couple of other people but it always resulted back to us being together. Even if he was to come over and we were intimate he still went back to his house.

Eventually we talked things thru and decided we wanted to be together no matter what, so yet again we moved out of the state. Well a year later I stated talking to a coworker yet again and things lead me to have an affair. My husband found out well he was not happy, but I can not blame him. We moved to start our lives over and I just keep messing it up. After a year or trying to forget and move forward with our relationship I screwed it up again. I sent a couple of inappropriate pictures to someone other than my husband.

I did not develop any type of feelings with these other men. I'm not even sure why I have done what I have. I know that I have hurt my husband in the most worst possible way. It's not that my husband isn't meeting all of my needs because he is. I'm not sure what goes thru my mind or how I can be so dumb or blind-sided by what I am doing. I need help. I do love my husband and I'm wanting to change. I want to show him I can change and I'm not a cheater. I'm not ready to loose him or to tear our family apart.

If anyone has any advise or has been thru something similar please help me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep my family together and to show my husband that I am the same girl he fell in love with 8 years ago.

Hi narcher, welcome to Marriage Builders.

A couple of questions. Are you married to this man? Was he married when you started your relationship with him?

Have you been married before? If so, any affairs?

Is he divorced from this woman?

Yes I am married to my husband I have been for a little over 6 years now. Yes he was married but the divorce process was almost over at that time. He was living on his own.

No, I have never been married before this is my first marriage.

FIrst off. STOP!! You are making a conscious choice to have these affairs at the expense of your husband and family. It not only makes you a bad wife, but a mother as well. Not trying to be cruel, but it's a fact. Because you are hurting everyone, know it or not.

Once you make that decision and come clean to your husband, or to each other, you can start rebuilding your marriage and family.

So you were with your WH while he was still married to his first wife?

Why did he divorce? Have you ever talked to his first wife?

Simple; you love men. You love male attention. You foolishly believed you could continue to bask in male attention and remain faithful to your husband.

To analogize; just because you chose to become a vegetarian doesn't mean barbecue stops smelling good.

You need to learn to AVOID men. You need to learn to not allow men to meet your emotional needs, and it begins by not actively seeking male attention and instead actively avoiding male attention.

As long as you continue to keep closely interacting with men you will fall into bed with them.

Does your husband know about all of these affairs?

Yes I was with my husband while he was with his first wife, but they were seperated and the divorce was already in the court systems. They were on their own. I never went into details why they split. No I have never spoken to her.

Yes my husband knows about everything. I have come clean to him. I do not want to hurt him any longer. I know what I have done wrong and I know it is going to be a hard and long path that lays ahead of me.

I feel that I have made such a mess of things and I need to clean it up, it's just where do you begin? I don't understand how things could have gotten this far out of hand or why I would let them. These are questions that keep going thru my mind constantly. It's like I said previously, I love my husband I honestly do and I know that I have hurt him in the past and in the present and I want to stop, I'm going to stop. Just where do you begin to prove to someone that you really do care with everything else aside?

...it's just where do you begin? I don't understand how things could have gotten this far...I want to stop, I'm going to stop. Just where do you begin to prove to someone that you really do care with everything else aside?

Well, the first step may very well be to cease the "Oh, woe is me!" self-pity-party crap that seems to be what you're repeatedly bringing to the table. HHH gave you the recipe in three sentences:

You need to learn to AVOID men. You need to learn to not allow men to meet your emotional needs, and it begins by not actively seeking male attention and instead actively avoiding male attention...As long as you continue to keep closely interacting with men you will fall into bed with them.

Achieving those things (ie: taking action) will have infinitely more salutary effect on your thus-far-disreputable existence than all the notes you would type here.

It ain't rocket surgery!

Give your BH a list of Extraordinary Precautions and how you will remain transparent and what boundaries you'll put in place.

Take care of your BH with extraordinary care.

Were any of your OM married? Have their spouses been informed?

Here Extraordinary Precautions

Read this.
A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

no, they were not married and they were confronted along with their girlfriends at that time. Everything has been out in the open, his family and my family all know about what has happened.

Thank you for sending me this information. I will definately use it from this day forward. If you have any more information please feel free to send it my way.

My husband has given me a chance to change. He gave me 3 months to show him that I can love him the way a wife should and to change my ways. I am grateful for this chance, I am going to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. I already know that I am the cause of what has happened and I accept I responsibility for it. I am going to keep coming back to this forum for support and help along the way. I have already set up an appointment for an IC next week since it is the earliest they could get me in. I'm ready for a NEW me and to prove that I can and I will love my husband the way that he deserves to be loved.

You are very, very lucky. Please direct your husband to this site. The vets will be able to help him get through this difficult trial period as well. Posting here together will help you both through it.

Keep reading through the basic principles on this site.

Buy "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's required reading for both of you. There are many on here that have recovered their marriages happily after infidelity and give advice free of charge.

It is important that you realize that you have to have RADICAL changes in your attitude toward men. YOU and only YOU have the ability to put up boundaries when it comes to men. To walk away and not engage any man other than your husband is only within your power. It simply comes down to a choice at any given moment.

Don't play with fire. You WILL get burned. (That was my mantra after I cheated on my bf while we were dating) I do not have ANY and I mean ANY male friends whatsoever.. and I used to have more male friends than female before. So it can be done. And honestly I never missed having male friends. You adjust and you refocus your energy on your husband and family and the few female friends you have that are worth keeping.

...show him that I can love him the way a wife should and to change my ways...I am going to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.

Blah, blah, blobbity, blah.....

How "change"? What does to "do whatever" consist of? Tell us! Or is it you can't tell us, because what we've told you must be done you recognize YOU WILL NOT DO!

Unless you (and BH) are fortunate enough for you to have selected an IC who is versed in fighting infidelity the MB way, there will be no value to be gained from all the sessions you can convince your BH that it is worth paying for!

HHH gave you, and I repeated, all the "steps" you need to take. By themselves, they are sufficient, and also necessary, for your avoiding once again jumping into bed with the next man who satisfies your emotional need(s). Your "love" for your husband means NOTHING; that is the dirty little secret that your IC will not tell you (because he doesn't know it!) We have had dozens of WWs here who had continued to "love" their BHs, while going heels-up for OMs, at times admitting they were detesting themselves for their irresistible impulses.

Ta-ta, narcher. I feel very sorry for Mr. Archer!

So what actions are you going to do protect your BH?

Will your BH come here so we may help him?