During the middle of last year, I had a hip injury. I was in agony for 2 months before the doctor decided to operate. I was totally bed ridden and in a very bad headspace.

During that time, my mother in-law decided to invite herself over because it was my husbands birthday. I told my husband it is not a convenient time, as I can not stand ready for my guests. At that time, I was crying of the pain every day, despite maximum painkillers. I did not even want my parents to come and help....

My relationship with my MIL has always been very causious... she is the tipe that cuts you down with a smile on her face - and she has since the beginning treated me asif the cat had dragged me in. For 10 years I tolorated her snide remarks, and treated her with due respect (unlike my sister in law who challenged her and eventually booted her out of the house)

After discussing it with hubby, he came back to me and told me they were not coming.

End August I had hip surgery, and per chance on the same day found out that his parents were in town and they had met in secret.

I was shocked and taken aback - I could not say anything for 3 weeks - lost 5kg in the process.

One saturday morning I noticed some suspisious behaviour (Yes, I do not trust him any more), and confronted him. It gave off a big row. I also made a call to his parents and confronted them with their deceit, upon which his mother told me that I am trying to get between her and her son. I called her an adulterer and a lyer.

I also called the pastor where she is the organist in the church to talk to her, and still nothing forthcoming from her side. The previous church she worked at, the pastor got rid of her because she is a domineering, manipulative creature, who pushes leaders off their throne.

Now, my husband forbids me to go with him when he visits them, and I feel helpless, unable to protect him and my marriage from her poison (she is the type that critisised my SIL on how she raises her children and does charity work, only to slander the poor people to other people around the dinner table with rolling eyes and laughter).

I have sleepless nights about this, although it happened 6 months ago.

to make matters worse, when I wanted to discuss it with my husband, I fled with bruises on my body and a broken lip.
He did apologise for the battering, but not for lying to me.

I do not know what to do. I will not apologise for my reaction to being lied to - my marriage has always been one of mutual trust - I have always taken MIL's passive agressiveness and never retaliated - maybe that made her think that I am weak and a pushover. But that woman went just too far this time.

My husband and I do not discuss it at all. He gets extremely agressive or stonewalls me.

I am angry and frustrated. With all our problems, we never lied to each other. But now I find myself checking his phone, questioning him when he goes out, and not believing his reply.

It feels broken. I hate his mother. Before this I merely disliked her. But now, I want to burn her house down and stab her with a knife. I will never do these things, but I think about it.

Please do not suggest that I should apologise - I will be violating my belief in truth if I did this, and to act acceptingly towards her behaviour would make me a hypocrite. I know right from wrong. And to work deceit to get what one wants in an underhanded way IS WRONG.

I do not know this man I am married to - he even went out to buy a motorbike without my consent (knowing that I think bikes are extremely dangerous) - and now he rubs my nose in it by littering the house with biking magazines.

Sometimes I just want to get out - other times I feel I still love him.

Please give me a fresh perspective on this situation - I am at my wits end.

You need to separate before he kills you. This will not get better, it will get worse. Dr Harley would tell you to separate because you are not safe with your husband. I would ask him to leave and more importantly, if he ever lays a hand on you again, you should call the police.

Your MIL is the least of your concerns.

I concur with ML, you need to seperate from this man. The mere suggestion of a complaint against his dishonest behavior (whether with MIL or not) ended in bruises and a broken lip. You cannot possibly work on the other facets of this marriage that need to be corrected when you are not even safe to voice a complaint.

Separate and require anger management classes. Do not reconcile until you are certain he has gotten his abusive ways in control and you are safe.

Thanks for the reply ML - I did go to the police, and the hospital, so there could be a record of the injuries. I did not make a case, though.

After this incident (this was not the first time he hurt me), I read up on abusive behaviour, and realised that he has been abusing me emotionally and verbally for years. Not all the time, but he seem to be in a mood most of the time.

I did leave him for a month, and since I have been back, he has been awfully nice towards me. And I am staying for now, but if he starts with his old sh*tty behaviour, I am out the door.

He also blames me for us having a poor sex life, but when I recently asked him if we could possibly try for a child (we are childless) he ignored me for the whole period that he knew I am ovulating and threw himself into his work - working the whole day, into the early hours of the morning. I am surprised that I am not more apset about this. Maybe I am gaining the freedom that indifference brings.

This is something he will never do. The night in question, when he hurt me, was on the day that I went to a marriage counsellor - he had 'forgotten' about the appointment, even when I came back he 'thought I went to buy supplies' (I did tell him where I was going just before I left).

Look, I am use to forgiving and 'forgetting', due to my childhood - my dad is an alcoholic (clean for 7 years now), who use to abuse us kids and my mom verbally every day. The next morning he could not remember a thing of his temper tantrum.

My mom stuck with him through it all, and now they are happily (and soberly) married. This is a lesson for me, I often wondered why she did not leave him. She stayed and is reaping the rewards of being married to a wonderful man.

I often thought- husband, you are acting like my dad when he was in one of his drunken rages, and you are not even drunk. But as I mentioned above, he has been different towards me lately - slow to anger, and quicker to see my side. We'll see how long it lasts. I hope for the best (but expect the worst).

Please read this.

What to do With an Angry Husband

BC.

First off, now is not the time to get pregnant. DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

Secondly, as everyone has already said, you need to separate from him because of the abuse.

Have you googled "cycle of abuse"? You need to. You are not safe . The abuse will continue and escalate unless he gets into anger management.

Hoping for the best will not change him. The "him being nice" will not last and you know this. You must separate from him and do it now. You need to get a plan and act on it.

Many have separated from their abusers. You will not only survive but thrive.

Your husband is not safe. There is nothing smart about sitting around waiting for the "next time." People who say they will "really" do something next time are avoiding conflict, because it is always "next time." If you won't do something now, you will never do it.

Dr Harley would tell you to separate from this man until and unless he takes anger management classes. Without that, you are just a sitting duck waiting to get assaulted again.


Hope is not plan. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

I must admit, I am totally blown away by the responses. What happened to 'for better or worse'? He does not abuse me every day, but admittedly, 3 months ago, I was totally ready to leave him. Now, I don't know.

We do have a lot in common, and we do love each other.

About the family gathering he 'forbade' me to attend - well, on number 99, an hour or so ago, he asked me if I will go along, and I agreed. I am a bit nervous, because I dread being in the company of his parents(especially MIL). But this bad blood is consuming me, and I need to get resolve.

I hear you all, and I appreciate your advice, but ultimately, I want to make my marriage work. I have failed at so many things in my life, to have a failed marriage will be terrible.

Today, in the news, there was a local sports celebrity who shot his girlfriend - dead. It did make me think. We do not keep firearms in the house, so at least I will have a fighting chance if it ever comes to that. I asked my husband if he would ever shoot me, and he said he is disappointed in me because "do you experience me as a violent person?" I evaded his question and changed the subject.

For better or worse has never meant to include beatings or emotional abuse. The physical violence may not occur on a daily basis, but I bet there are many comments, put downs, jokes that are made that are not really jokes, comments that are made that you brush off as nothing.....they all add up to abuse.

I am 1 year out from separation from my emotionally abusive spouse. It took me a very long time to finally separate. I have children. I wanted to make the marriage work. I thought I was a failure at many things. I didnt want to have a failed marriage. You know what? I was failing my children by staying in an abusive relationship. What was I teaching my children? Nothing that was good.

Please listen and follow through with Dr. Harley's advice of when in an abusive relationship to separate for a year and for him to get into anger management. Do this before there are children are brought into it.

How very sad that you would enable your husband in this way using the excuse "for better or worse." "Loving" your spouse means you don't tolerate destructive behavior, that you help him get the help he needs. Enabling is not "love." You endanger yourself, your children, AND your husband by sitting idly by and not getting him the help he needs.

If you are serious about making your marriage "work" you will stop sweeping the problems under the rug and do something about them. Hold your husband accountable and help him be a better man. Your way is likely to end up with your death and your husband sitting in jail for domestic assault. Is that you want when you say "for better or worse?"

You have very poor judgment, Madam, and I dearly hope your poor judgement does not kill you.

Listen to Mel.......I had poor judgement a year ago.

Many here finally, let me rephrase that, FINALLY, got me to separate from my abusive spouse. The last person to FINALLY get me to listen and make the plan was Mel. For her and everyone here, I will forever be greatful. I wished I was not so naive and hardheaded to make the necessary change sooner.

I pray you will not make the same mistake I did by wasting precious time and continuing to put yourself at risk.

Please read.
What's Wrong with Unconditional Love #1