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Boundary enforcement is removal of self away from toxic/dangerous stuff.
~or~
Removal of toxic dangerous stuff away from self.
Boundary enforcement is not another discussion or an argument.
Boundary enforcement is not issuing a demand or an ultimatum.
Boundary enforcement is taking an action.
Boundary enforcement does not require the cooperation of the adulterous spouse.
Plan B, when done correctly, is enforcement of a boundary, intended to protect/shield the BS from the toxic nature of a continued adultery.
Enforcing boundaries is SELF control.
Boundary enforcement shows confidence and decisiveness.
Boundary enforcement is self respect in action.
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Boundary enforcement is not issuing a demand or an ultimatum. This in no way implies that making a demand your unfaithful spouse stop his/her adultery is wrong. Just understand that that sort of "demand" in not enforcement of your boundary. When you drop out of sight in Plan B, that is the boundary enforcement.
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Boundary enforcement is not another discussion or an argument. Understand this, the more you are fighting and arguing with your adulterous spouse, the further away from boundary enforcement you actually are. Remember, a boundary is an action you take to protect yourself. Fighting and arguing are no means of self protection.
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Plan A actions (the carrot & stick) are not boundary enforcement actions in and of themselves. The actions of Plan A (carrot and stick) function as negotiation techniques in order to create an environment where the marriage is a more attractive/inviting/satisfactory option when compared to the risks/chaos/consequences of continuing the affair.
Plan B is the boundary enforcement action that occurs if/when the wandering spouse does not end his/her affair.
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So its ok to demand that the affair ends? According to MB is that the only time demands are warranted?
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Demanding the affair end and EPs are in place in order for the wayward to stay married to you is more than reasonable.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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So its ok to demand that the affair ends? According to MB is that the only time demands are warranted? My point is that demands ( any sort) are not boundary enforcement. Demanding they end their affair lets the wayward know (clearly) what is expected of them, but that is a different discussion altogether.
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So its ok to demand that the affair ends? According to MB is that the only time demands are warranted? How can a betrayed spouse insist that the wayward spouse end the affair unless a demand is made? The answer is found in the way I define a selfish demand.
Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. In other words, you may dislike what I want, but if you don't do it, I'll see it it that you suffer even greater pain.
To insist that the wayward spouse end the affair should not be made with the threat of punishment ("I'm make you suffer if you don't end it"), but rather with the simple fact that it's the most painful experience you've ever had in your life, and if the affair is not ended, your relationship must end with either a separation or divorce. To end the marital relationship is not punishment: It's to protect your own mental and physical health.
The most important exception to the Policy of Joint Agreement is that when your health and safety are at risk, the default condition (doing nothing until an enthusiastic agreement is reached) should not be followed.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Adding to what I said above (because it won't let me edit it) I want to say that it shouldn't be as much of a demand said to the wayward as "this is my personal boundary and what you must do to stay married to me" rather than in a demanding way.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Thanks KR I will use that line.
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"Enforcing boundaries is SELF control"
True statement. Every day I have to make a conscious decision to keep my own boundaries. It is a challenge, like denying your toddler candy even though he whines and begs for it, because it's not good for him. Only,the whiny toddler is yourself. I eagerly await the day when it comes to me like second nature, because it certainly is a battle...
Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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