Hello everyone,

So it's been a LONG time since I was on here...probably about three years. My thread might still be on the Surviving an Affair forum, I'm not sure. Long story short, three years ago, my husband had an affair and left me. I took advice from people on here, and in the end, nothing worked.

So it's been three years now, and my life has gone on....I've met some new people, dated a couple guys, gone out with friends lots, and for the most part, I'm pretty happy. My ex husband is still with his gf, and I've learned to accept it, and even interacted with OW a couple times when I've been dropping off or picking up the kids. He is still pretty nasty to me (why, I still can't say) and I can honestly say that I don't want him back as my husband, and the alien he became never left him. We're divorced now.

But there are TONS of times when I'm still incredibly lonely. Like, crying into my dinner lonely. And times when I sit there and think, "This is not how I wanted my life to be, and how did it turn out this way?"

It's been three years.....I don't know if it's abnormal that I should still feel so lonely after all this time, and I HATE being alone when my kids have gone off with their father.

Does anyone else experience this? Even after so long?

I guess make that two and a half years....

Welcome back NP. How long have you been D?

Why aren't you Plan B'ing your WH? With NC with him? You're having a tough time healing because your still in contact with him and his OW.

Can you get into a dark Plan B? With an IM?

Anyone can be lonely. If you are sad and lonely when the kids are gone, fill that space up with a hobby or volunteer work or friends. Invite friends over and make dinner.. Play cards watch movies.

I know it is hard to know the life you wanted is gone.

What you are feeling is totally normal.

Totally. And 'all this time'.....it hasn't really been very long NP. It is still fairly fresh for you.

I think it's hard because it's like you said, you never wanted this for your life. None of us wanted this for our lives. We had the expectation that when we got married, that was it. There's no divorce, no affairs, no separations. That person we married was to spend the rest of their lives with us and then we are hit with such a devastating blow from discovering an affair, it changes everything. Suddenly we find our family destroyed because of one person's actions and try to find a way to survive and shield our children from the actions that follow.

I haven't been divorced as long as you, but I know the feeling of being lonely and not understanding why things happened the way they did. I know how it feels to not want to do anything to move forward because the pain causes you to lose motivation to do anything. Everything I did in life was for my family and now that's been taken away. It's easy for others to say find a hobby or something you like to do, but it's harder to take the steps to want to get there. You have to force your self to get up and get out and it's not easy when all you want to do is sleep (like me).

I made a decision that I would not let my WxW destroy me even further that I was when I discovered her affair and then our divorce. I had to forgive her and myself in order to move on. I was built for relationships and I don't like to be alone, but I know that jumping into a new one too soon would only make things worse. Staying busy is the only thing that helped me because I needed to be there for my children. When they aren't with me, I some times find myself over thinking things. Looking in the past will only keep you down. Time is gone. You can't get it back or erase anything that has happened. All you can do is somehow convince yourself that you will be ok.

You need to move mountains and get an IM in place and go NC with your WH. Contact is causing you pain and keeping you from healing.

No one will make someone happy. Everyone has to make themselves happy. So just keep living a healthy life style and go out filling in hours with activities and people that will get you out of your house.

I bet you do not spend 15 hours a week dong such things.

I feel incredibly lonley when my boys are gone. I am in Plan B with many breaks, but I feel best when NC is in place. I feel the same. I never thought I would be here, no one has. I like to think of it as he gave me a second chance, to have a better life without a chronic liar and cheater.

You need to go completely dark.

I definitely feel better the less contact I have with ex.

Besides going dark can you work on creating a new life for yourself? I tried to learn to enjoy when ds was with his dad...I am a sahm, homeschooling my son so I �m with him a lot. I tried to read, watch movies, go out with my friends....eventually I met someone new....and yes it is a real joy to not have to be worried about being married to a cheater.

Hi New Petals.

I'm so sorry for your loneliness - that hurts.

One thing that has helped me start to heal (I'm an extrovert) was joining Meetup.com. It's a place where groups of people with like interests organize social events and get together. My goal is to meet female friends (I'm a woman), and so far it's been really great to have literally 20 events a week to choose from. I am more patient with my little circle of (mostly married) girlfriends, and I've met some neat new people.

Some examples of activities I've joined are book discussions, vintage films at the library, snowtubing, and just meeting to eat. I find it fills the weekends when my children are at their dad's. And some events are kid-friendly too, so it's nice to meet other moms.

If you were looking to meet men, Meetup could also be a low-stress way to make male friends and see them in a social context without the pressure of a 'date.'

Here's to your sunny future!!

Thanks everyone.

I have thought many times about NC, but I think my problem is that I don't even miss him, I just want a life I don't have. At this point, I would rather shoot myself than take him back, and I know he still feels a lot more bitterness about it than I do (not sure why....he was the one that left, after all....I guess he always was a cake eater). I guess....I just look at pictures on facebook and see my friends who are all happily married with happy families....and sometimes I'm so jealous it hurts. Better single and happy than married and miserable, I know. I guess I just really need to GET OVER the fact that my marriage and life didn't turn out the way I always planned!

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels it's hard still being alone. I have been divorced almost a year now, but he's been gone 2.5 yrs.

Part of it too is that we're still splitting up our property, and the last thing is that we have to get rid of the house. I would have bought him out but for whatever reason, he is being completely unreasonable and kept demanding more and more money until I finally said "Let's sell." And I LOVE my home. After he left, it was hard, but it's been long enough that it's completely mine now, and all his presence is erased. I love everything about my home....today I broke down thinking about how I'd have to leave my appliances behind, for goodness sake.

I have been going out with friends more and trying new things and it's helped. Overall, my life is much happier now and I feel more like myself than I have in the last 10 years, since I met exWH. It's just a lot of times, as soon as I'm alone again, I just feel sad sad sad.

I suppose it just takes time. I am going to be more active on here again. It helps "talking" to other people that are going through the same thing, as none of my friends or family are divorced and can't relate at all to what I've gone through.

Time heals, right?

Here is your thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160023&Number=2364983#Post2364983

Welcome to the divorced thread!

Go NC and start healing!

I know EXACTLY how you feel....I had the same situation. We were divorced but still had to settle house issue. He wanted to buy me out at way under value....so it had to be put on the market. As soon as we got a full price offer he had to let it go or pay me that price. That process took another six months after the divorce was final. One that was settled and I got a different house it was much easier. I too loved my house and didn't want to leave it...but I focused on having my own place and I bought fabulous NEW appliances.

NewPetals, I'm so sorry about your house - that totally stinks! Not only has he stolen your dream of a happy marriage/family life, now he's taking away your house.

I wonder: does guilt work on this guy? Ever thought about mentioning that he has heaped pain upon pain by betraying you over and over...and does he really want to be the kind of person that takes away your home, too? Now, if he's full of justification (some people are) - it wouldn't work. Perhaps he was more 'giving' at first because his guilt was fresh, but now that time has passed he doesn't feel bad anymore about ripping apart your family?

...btw I know it's no consolation, but he will suffer for the rest of his life because of his choices. In his quietest moments, he feels gut-wrenching regret. He's hurt himself tremendously by hurting you, even if you can't see it on the outside. He won't recover, but you will. There is not a cloud of guilt and shame hanging over your head: that's all his. (this is a former ww speaking, so I've got the inside track - unfortunately).

My only other thought is to start shopping for another house: I know I get all excited when I see a newer kitchen, or better landscaping, etc. And you could get something that is 100% "yours." The right size, neighborhood, etc. Or, go crazy: Get a smaller one in your town, and a 2nd home somewhere lovely! The possibilities are endless!

I remember one time Dr. Harley said people get hung up on the POJA because they can only see two options: don't, or do something. He said there are millions of possibilities - we just have to get creative and do some brainstorming. I'll bet you could come up with a fun creative home idea, pack up the old dusty dreams, and break out some shiny new ones!

I'm glad you "feel more like yourself." That is good news.

I feel so much better after letting that all out! And no, Zhamila, guilt doesn't work at all. If anything, he is angrier and angrier at ME....I think probably because you're right, he still feels the pain and isn't healing like I am.

Honestly, looking back over our relationship even while we were just dating, I see so many times he was unfaithful to me and fobbed me off with weak excuses...and stupidly, I bought every one. He won't EVER be truly happy because I don't think he's every truly committed to anyone in his life! I see him being unfaithful now with his gf.....and their neighbours have told me she is unfaithful to him as well (because of course, they bought a house a block away from me...how mean and thoughtless can you get??). What do you expect with waywards that broke up both their families?? I feel a little vindicated knowing that... And I think being able to see how truly messed up he is, I feel so much better off and happier without him.

I have started looking for a new place, and sometimes it's very exciting and sometimes it's very depressing (crap homes for what I'm looking to pay!). But I have faith I'll find just the right one, and have a completely fresh start. I hate him for forcing me to leave my home, but at the same time, I'm looking forward and hoping that I will be happier elsewhere.

THANK YOU everyone! Just being back on here has helped my frame of mind immensely!

Funny (sad) how that works: the one who did all the hurtful things walks away being the angriest. It's what I'm going through with my abusive STBxH right now...he is belligerent, threatening, and full of blame: and he's abusive one! Injustice stinks, but I shouldn't be surprised: "Poopy is as poopy does."

Thank goodness you can move far, far away from his train wreck of a relationship! That's one huge benefit of getting a different house, eh?

NP, I think about you often.

I know that there are times that I feel sad about being alone, and it's been more than 3 years for me. I especially feel it around holidays, and such, but I have now begun to really feel joy for other people when I see them with someone, and they are happy. They say it takes time, and I'm sure it does, but I don't think the pain ever fully goes away, especially when you don't recover your marriage.

I know fully that I wouldn't be nearly as well off emotionally if I had to ever deal with my WH. I can't imagine what it would be like to speak to him, or see him with OW. Even your posts where you refer to your WxH's OW as his "gf" had me cringe. OW will ALWAYS be OW to me. I have stated that if my WH and OW were to end their affair, I may consider communicating directly with my WH, but it would probably be a bunch of hooey anyways, so I would just end up in Plan B again.

You will have to deal with your WxH for a long time to come, due to your children's ages, and I hope that you can get through it with minimal contact, if not no contact all together.

I am only away from my boys for 2 nights a month, and I find it hard unless I make plans to go out with some friends/family. I have gone to the movies by myself, and I read a lot. Maybe you could find something that you could enjoy doing when the children aren;t with you.

Don't be a stranger.

I feel I have to chime in here. I feel the same, so lonely at times I want to cry. Yes family thinks I should be much farther along emotionally away from him but I still mourn the life that did not work out. I am so jealous of my friends as well, but thank god they have been a huge support.
I may have to give up my house as well which makes me sad. We will walk away with zero profit as the house is worth less than what we paid for it. I will have nothing to put down on a new house for me and my boys.
Divorce is emotional enough but the financal aspects are painful as well. no one wins.
I need to start a new thread on here. I need support as well.

I am in Plan B still with minimal contact about the kids.

I'm so sorry for your pain, Mason. Yes, please start a new thread, we'll be here for you.