Wow that's a scary situation. I guess the thing is if you work the program and get back in love, you two get very good at finding things you both enjoy about amusement parks, zoos, museums, bowling, movies. Like there may be a few movies that still he wouldn't enjoy but it wouldn't be like 3 years between movies he likes.

And when you two are in love again you will have a plan for disrespectful judgments like if he says you are slowing down you can tell him yes let's slow down and he'll understand we all have limits and let's enjoy the experience. And those comments about "getting you back" in the store would go away, too. I hope you picked a keeper Amy because it sounds like it will take a lot of commitment on his part too to get from where you are today to that point in the future.

"Yes on the poor state of marriage but not recreational activities. At least not for him. We are together constantly, we were not apart one day in 2012, this week is my first week solo.

I meet his recreational needs and then some. He is extremely athletic and that was what he always loved about me. I hike, backpack, rock climb, mountaineer, long distance run, cycle and ski with him. "

When Marriage Builders suggests recreational companionship, they don't mean engaging in sacrifice because that defeats the entire point. The point is to find activities about which you are BOTH enthusiastic. If just one of you enjoys it, it does not benefit the marriage . UA time should include meeting all 4 intimate emotional needs, ie: affection, conversation, RC and sexual fulfillment. And that is without Lovebusters.

You are actually creating incompatible lifestyles by going your separate ways and doing your own thing. A better way is to find things to do you BOTH love and enjoy.

Do you have Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs?

Its probably obvious but I don't mind if he doesn't do everything I do, it is the underlying issue. His way or the highway. I've been very angry and frustrated since he left, "decompressing" I guess, its the only safe time I ever get to speak my mind.


Not yet. I wanted to order lovebusters but cannot find a kindle version. I am out of the country I can't order a hardcopy. I won't be back in the US for 2 months min.

I have not gotten him to agree to a firm plan nor voice my issues. He rarely lets me speak my peace without taking over the conversation and telling me where I am wrong, why etc. He gets so defensive if I say anything about my happiness, him or our marriage. He prefers denial.

So when he comes back I will see if he is willing to work on a lovebusters plan etc. I very much risk him getting angry for me even bringing it up again. Now that it is "over" for him its in the past as he says and he doesn't dwell there.....

So if he gets angry or refuses I don't know what else to do other than when we return to the US I will stay there and tell him I am not going on his next assignment. Basically a separation. I read Dr. Harley's comments about Plan A/B. I wrote him a letter last year, he refused to read it for a week, and then never discussed it with me. Mr. Denial.

However, he has finally tried to do something this last year, he is controlling his moodiness a bit better, we have longer stretches between "episodes".

Thank you all so much. I need to do something about my marriage, I am trying to get strong enough to make some hard decisions.

Best, Amy

Maybe you can make it sound as if there is something in it for him. Instead of saying you want him to change, tell him you love him and how you enjoyed the good times you have had in the past. Tell him you do not want to have a mediocre marriage, but a fantastic marriage.

You can make it sound appealing for him. Tell him you want to make him happy and want a better marriage.

It's worth a try. In the end, it is obvious, that he will have to share the power with you and give up on making all of the decisions by himself. You can alway talk about separating if nothing works, but maybe he will agree to do marriagebuilders voluntarily. There is nothing wrong with 'plan A-ing' him a little, but just a little to get him in the mood to see the advantages of having a good marriage with you.

You are right that this situation is not bearable in the long run. Good luck in getting him on board and stopping the cycle of abuse.

God bless,

Happyheart

I took my first steps. I have been trying hard on myself this last year and trying to gather my strength.

A talk finally happened. He claims he is in the dark about our issues (denial) and told me to put it in writing. The tension for me has been unbearable and he caught me crying uncontrollably at 4am and that prompted him to read my letter.

Honestly, as before I figured he would never read it but on the upside, for the first time he did, maybe there is some empathy in him somewhere.

So he claims as usual that he tries so hard, nothing is ever good enough, I make mountains out of molehills, etc. In my letter at his request, I listed specific anger incidents in the last 3 weeks. He thinks he has a right to get frustrated.

He was very wishy washy about whether he would commit to working on our marriage. He sort of said yes but then would back track saying nothing he does is good enough and he can't turn himself inside out. He is upset so I take what he says with a grain of salt but he still refuses to read lovebusters, gto counseling in any form and refers to maybe some things he would do but he doesn't follow through.

Amazingly he didn't totally go into an anger attack, sad that I mark that as improvement.

And....sigh, he didn't say the words divorce but he might as well have, its a bluff most likely, he likes to subtly threaten me and so he told me to move on and find someone who is "perfect", stuff like that. I didn't get sucked into that junk and kept the focus on my belief that we can have a happy marriage but it takes our (both!)commitment and a plan, we cannot keep pretending there isn't a problem.

So he ended on a vague financial threat (standard because he knows that scares me) and telling me that maybe it is time for me to "move on".
I concurred that if he is unwilling to work on our marriage I am looking at my options which includes separation.

He left for a "walk" meaning he disappears all day comes home at night and barely speaks to me. This will go on for a day, week until I will play along and pretend nothing ever happened so to speak.

The tension is unbearable for me, has been and I am steeling myself for getting through the next days. I did good for me, I was calm and a little teary at times but I held my ground and I am serious about separation, I am terrified of that reality but I have been planning some options just in case this last year. As I mentioned I am very alone and have no support, this has kept me stuck and scared.

Thank you for listening. think I need that more than anything right now. Amy

Everybody gets frustrated. Key is how do you all handle frustration. Work it out respectfully and lovingly, or resort to lovebusters? I'm grateful that you see through the issues and don't get ruled by your fears. I encourage you to find some IRL support, too, like going to a local house of worship or a local women's club, somewhere you can meet folks that can support you in your journey.

Oh Amy, I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself. It's so tough, especially when someone is using finances to manipulate you. I'm glad you are putting effort into options for separation. Once you are able to take care of yourself (even if it's with the temporary assistance of friends, church, etc) I suspect you will feel so much better (since he can't control you with that anymore).

I truly hope he comes around, but if not, I hope you will do what it takes to honor yourself.