I need to decide what to do for Thanksgiving. As most of you know, H and I are separated, he will not give me any commitment to no longer see OW, but we have been spending more time together and have been much closer emotionally than at any time over the past year. <P>Yet he still tells me he has made no decisions, but has said he would eventually like to rebuild our marriage. I have told him that words are not actions and that if we are to rebuild, he must decide to end with OW. In the meantime, I have been busy setting my own goals, looking at my career, trying to focus on the other aspects of my life, while still "plan Aing" H.<P>I had offered for H to take kids to his sister for several days at Thanksgiving* (our usual holiday plans) and I would stay home - mostly because it is very hard for me to see him intensely, have a great time and then go back to separation. (By the way, Sis is very supportive of us staying in the marriage - to the extent that H has sometimes avoided her because she makes him feel guilty.) The idea of spending the holiday apart seemed to be very upsetting to him. As it got closer, and I tried to get his plans, I finally said that I felt if I had offered to have all of us go together, he would have agreed - and he said yes, this is what he wanted. He also said that we could stop and see the city where one of his job prospects is (where he has asked to real estate agent to show him "family" type homes in neighborhoods with good schools). Anyway, he left it up to me…<P>So, what do I do? For myself - I would really like to go (yes, I know I am a wimp) if only I can handle the inevitable emotional let down afterwards - I feel better equipped to do this now since I have some real goals I am pursuing outside of the marriage - but I know it will still be hard. For the relationship (if you can call it that at this point) what makes sense? Deposit ever more love units? Or let him see reality of a holiday without me? <P>Thanks for your help and suggestions…<P>Starpony<P>*(PS-It involves a 12 hour car ride with 2 lively boys - this is no small undertaking!)

Hey, I'm the nut who went to Disney World with her H who said he was moving out when we got home. (Which he did, 2 weeks later)<P>Didn't you do a trip with your H this summer as well? How did it go? Are you glad you went? Can you base your decision on that outcome?<P>You aren't Plan B.<P>I don't know what I'm doing for T-Day, but if I spend it all alone, I'd feel like a martyr--and nobody really appreciates a martyr, 'til they're dead...? Gee that turned into an awkward train of thought.<P>I really can't bear the thought of the holidays. They were uncomfortable last year, I sometimes think my H came home in November-December just to make me stop whining. And then bugged out again Dec. 30...<BR>

This is a very difficult question. I guess it depends on which version of Plan A you're doing - the "try to meet the emotional needs version" or the "no lovebusting and no enabling version".<P>Sometimes, as we've been seeing with Lor lately, the act of pulling back and seeming to move on draws them out. Other times, it just lets them slide away. Any guesses about your man?<P>If you don't do Thanksgiving together, what do you think he'll do? It would bother me for him to spend it with the OW. I'd probably want to prevent them having a chance to bond over holidays.<P>For myself, I'm having a big Thanksgiving dinner with twenty people and NOT inviting my husband. If he dares to ask me about it, I will say how his presence would make the party uncomfortable for everyone else (the truth. no way can he come to a party with my family and friends now). His parents are going to NY, so I have no idea what he's doing. He already assumed himself into Halloween trick-or-treating, but it won't happen for Thanksgiving. He may be spending it with OW, but even so, I won't invite him to mine.<P>It's a tough call. I say go with your intuition on this one. If you want to be with him, be with him.

Starpony,<P>Ask yourself if you will be more miserable alone or go with family? I know that neither of these choices is your "ideal", but ask yourself which will hurt you the least and then choose that option!<P>I am wrestling about the holidys, too. I am undecided about inviting H over or not. We are separated and he may choose to go to FL to spend with OW, or some split deal - half day with us and then on to FL with her. I am hesitating on asking because I can ill afford one more rejection. But, I will probably do it anyway for the kids (Ha - I am only lying, I'll do it for ME, too!) Still love that old fool of a H of mine....<P>Roll Me Away

Starpony - I would do the wrong thing, probably. I would go.<P>Don't know why. Doesn't make sense. But I know good and well that I would go. Besides, could be a nice bonding time and with SIL on your side.....<P>Good luck on this one.<P>Lori

That's definitely a hard. It's like do I set myself up for a BIG FALL afterwards? Or do I go with the moment to have that bit of happiness for just a little while longer. I don't understand how spouses, can spend so much quality time and then go on with their other life as if nothing has happened. Of course I would say to not go to spare your emotions in the long run, but I KNOW how hard it is to say no to the ones we are in love with, not matter how badly they treat us. I guess my comments don't help any...sorry, this is one you will have to figure out on your own.

Starpony,<BR>One of my friends said, "You and your h have the memories, he and ow don't." If I were you, I'd keep building memories like the holidays and not let her anywhere near him. It sounds to me like he has made up his mind, the looking for family homes etc. and just may not know it. You are quite a strong lady and I am sure that he knows that one a womans major needs is financial support. Right now, he cannot offer you that and may just be scared to push things until he is able to. Who knows how a mans brain works, I'm not sure they always do Whatever you decide, has to be best for you, not for him at this point. Like everyone else has said, which way would make you more happy?<P>My h will be hunting over Thanksgiving. That makes me so mad! I really need to concentrate on not lovebusting him big time. Good luck with your decision!

*Pony,<P>You said you would really like to go -<P> GO FOR IT!<P>Just make sure you adjust your expectations, and live in the present. I think one of the hardest things for all of us on this board is to enjoy the moment. We (me included) are so caught up in worrying about the future, that we are missing today. This might be your last Thanksgiving, it might be my last. I vote that we should all enjoy the holidays this year!! <P>View it as a time to be with family, and enjoy some good food. I'm sure you're kids would want you to be there, too. <P>I think the fact that your H wants you to come along is a very good sign!!<P>Happy Thanksgiving, *Pony!!

Thanks all - so many of you are such hopeless romantics! I am always amazed that we can hold on to our optimism...<P>Lor - Yep, we did go on trip this summer - I'm glad we went, but the situation was very different. H was heavy into withdrawal at the time and he moved out within 2 weeks of our return. We are already separated this time - so the downside risk is minimized somewhat . You're right, I'm not plan B (I forgot about you and Disney World.)<P>Distressed - How do you do it? Always the voice of reason... Thanks for your many good points. I did see H move back toward me when I was more distant after he first moved out, but I was only able to be more distant because I was hurt and really felt distant. That isn't the case now.<P>RMA - I understand. I would say to myself I'm doing it for the kids, but reality is... <P>lostva - Yep, me too i think...<P>Derby - you have a good point. I really think H feels he doesn't have much to offer right now (to anyone!). As for me, I think I would rather all be together. This is my family...<P>Sidney - you are right. Who knows how much time we have? Will you help me with the expectations part?<P>Thanks, I am going to go (that is if H doesn't change his mind before then!).<P>Starpony

Trying24give,<BR>Sorry,didn't mean to skip you. This is a big question I can't help but ask myself. Before all this mess, I was so trusting - I never worried about risking my emotions or being vulnerable w/H. Thing is, if we are ever to be back together, I know i need to get back that fearlessness (or at least move towards it). So maybe this is a good first step.<P>Starpony

*Pony,<P>I am not a psychologist, so these are just some layman's suggestions. Some of the psych reading I have done lately, says that much of our unhappiness can be attributed to unrealistic expectations. Or, the self fulfilling prophecy, where something happens because we believe it will. In other words, our happiness can be controlled by our very thoughts.<P>You said in your note, "if only I can handle the inevitable emotional let down afterwards". <P>Examine why you think you will have an emotional letdown. Is it because you will be expecting (or wanting) that H will come to his senses, & recommit? Is this a realistic expectation, right now?<P>Will you be letdown because your situation right now is very different, & you will begin longing for the past? When holidays were carefree, and you weren't dealing with a crisis? Again, is it realistic to expect the present, (& future) be exactly like the past?<P>Anyway, the first step is to really get to the root of your expectations. Then, decide if they are reasonable, at the moment. Adjust accordingly. What I mean is replace the unrealistic expectations with ones that ARE realistic under the circumstances.<P>Second, is to modify your mindset. You will NOT be emotionally letdown! (You must repeat this to yourself often.) Why? Because your expectation is reasonable.<P>Example: To enjoy a family holiday with H and the kids, get together with SIL (whom I'm guessing you're very fond of), eat some awesome food, watch the Macy's Christmas parade, or football (pick one), and focus on all the things that are good in your life right now. Feel free to substitute your own realistic expectation.<P>One of the hardest things for us adults is to live in the present. Kids do it so well! (I often wish I had some). Watch them, and learn from them. Or I should say relearn as it is still buried deep within us all.<P>You mentioned that you will be travelling 12 hours by car (I'm guessing around 500 miles). Imagine that you are leaving all your worries, fears, & problems behind. Pack them tightly into a little box. Tape the box shut. Store the box will no one will ever discover it. Now, as you drive away, just imagine that the further you go, the further behind that ratty old box is!!<P>Now, go off and have the best darn Thanksgiving you've ever had, *Pony!!<BR>

Yes, go as a family. Build positive memories and feelings. This also gives you more positive things to talk about the next 2.5 weeks as you plan your trip together. Good luck.

Starpony: I shouldn't post on this thread because my advice is born out of my experiences of NOT accompanying my H. When I refused to go to a party last year, he met OW. When I didn't force the issue of staying in MN for Thanksgiving last year, he went to Texas to have Thanksgiving with the OW. The OW got pregnant. Whenever I did NOT accompany him or make a stand, the worst happened. But, then that's MY story, not yours. I just have regrets for not doing what I really wanted to do to make a point, with disasterous results. FOLLOW YOUR HEART.<BR>God bless and comfort, protect and GUIDE you.

Starpony change your thinking. You should go and make it the best Thanksgiving you ever had together. Yes it may be a let down for you, but your H thinks too. Maybe he'll see more of what he may be giving up. <P>If you don't go he may or may not miss you, maybe then he will have thoughts of her instead. Be there and be the wonderful person you know you are.

Thanks again so much for your encouraging words.<P>sidney - thanks for the short course in the power of positive thinking! you are right of course. I like your suggestions. I think it helps to actually name your expectations and examine them.<P>TCL - Thanks. I do like the opportunity to build more positive memories.<P>catnip-I too have a really tough time not doing what I want to do - just to make a point. Thank you for the sober reminder.<P>awoken-thanks for the vote of confidence. <P>I do still have much to be thankful for and will spend this day with the family I so dearly love.<P>Starpony<BR>