Maybe this was missed because of all the focus on the poly, but could you please answer?

What EPs have your WW given you?

It is a little concerning to me that he refers to his wife as "FWW" ... I don't think she's anywhere near earning her F. But his willingness to believe she is may have some very sad consequences down the road.

I know where we should go: recovery!

MB has given you the plan.



Eliminate all the conditions that made a secret second life possible.

Set up EP's to protect your marriage.

Spend at least 20 hrs UA time meeting each others needs and rebuilding the romantic love.

Look forward and create new happy loving memories.


It is up to your WW to make a complete change in her lifestyle and live in a way that makes you feel loved and protected. This is when she earns her "F"...when you can look at her and see in her actions that you are safe.

It is a long road but well worth it.

That's where I thought we were for almost a year. Going to MC this morning...we'll see how that shakes out.

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Good question. What has your wife done to change the environment that allowed her to conduct her affair?

As a note, many extraordinary precautions apply to both of you. It addresses the avoidance of risky situations - before sliding down the slippery slope.

AM

What EPs have your WW put in place?

Might want to add that she post on the site or commit to a Marriage Builders program for recovery. Looks solid IMO

Suggestion? Start a new thread there. Having the "issues" from SAA tag along may weigh on the new outlook you and she will be attempting there. You can put a link back to this thread in your epilogue for folks who need the back-story.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself on this stuff. I'm in a worse place today, in many ways, than I was six months ago. I do have a question, what is considered Just Compensation in these situations?

Is it just NC and a list of EP,s?