My wife and I have been married for a year and together for over 6. Since August of 2010 we have been in a long distance relationship seeing each other no more than a couple weeks per year. Shortly before I deployed to Afghanistan we got married. 5 months before I returned from Afghanistan she moved out to WA so she could be there when I returned. She met a guy, Ryan, shortly after moving out here and they became best friends. Since I got back from deployment in November, things have been a little off. I knew something strange was up regarding the whole Ryan situation. Last night I found out that she slept with him 4 times while I was gone and 1 more time while I was home visiting family after returning from Afghanistan. They had a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship while I was gone. They would kiss frequently, and she spent the night at his apartment 5 times. She sent him a message on valentines day letting him know that she had chosen to be with me and that things, even friendship, between them could not continue. That's how I found out. I found the message that she had sent him. In the message she said things like "I've always belonged to Mike" and "I've always belonged to Mike." But she also told him how much he meant to her and that she would always love him.

It came down to me not meeting her emotional needs; but not because I was doing something wrong. It's just that I was so far away. She latched onto Ryan. He tried for a couple months to convince her to "let go and be free" and she finally gave in in October. She insists that she never chose him over me, but that it was simply a lack of emotional connection with me due to the long distance.

Last night we threw away everything in our Apartment that was given to her from Ryan. She is, for now at least, completely ok with cutting off communication with him 100%.

I just don't know how I can get through this. I was positive that she could never do anything like that to me. How to I get past the "once a cheater always a cheater" stigma?

I've always thought that if she cheated I would leave her without a second thought, but now that it happened everything is different. The pain and hurt are so strong because of what she did, but I don't know how I could live without her. What needs to happen? Will time really heal all wounds? I feel like every time we kiss or have sex it will bring it all back, even if it's years from now.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? What were your struggles and how did it turn out

reddog, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Please take the time to read the links in the thread, "Start Here". Come back and ask questions.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? What were your struggles and how did it turn out?

By "like this" I assume you mean being absent from one's wife (in whatever form) causing her to seek EN satisfaction without her husband? Uhhhhh, yeah, dozens of us here.

If your WW is as remorseful as you have described, your struggle will be limited to your own emotions, fears, resentments and doubts. As daunting as that sounds, you will NOT have to fight through that alone. You have the support of friends here that can guide your steps.

Read the thread Mel gave you. If you still require a feeling of community, read my story from the link in my note epilogue, or look up MikeStillSmiling's story, or HoldHerHand's. We are the success models you might want.

I'm very sorry for this challenge. You left a war zone and came home to another one.

I encourage you to read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.

You need to expose this affair to your family and Ryan's family also.
Find out who his parents are and call them and tell them that their son is sleeping with your wife while you are in a war zone and ask them to persuade him to stay away from her

Reddog, forgive me for ignoring something of importance.

Thank you for your service to our country, my friend!

After I posted, I saw you were reading my thread and that of HHH (aka:Trip). I would expect you begin to understand that what you thought to be unlikely is actually very possible. The only necessary ingredients would be insight, effort, and the time to let those efforts take effect. JK suggested getting SAA, and you should do so, to provide the insight.

For the rest, I would ask you give yourself a gift: that gift of time. For the moment, promise yourself not to make any life-changing decisions for six months. Your mindset yesterday was of hurt and confusion, so what I am asking seems to be of no difficulty. As this process proceeds, however, your emotions will likely dart all over creation, from depression, to rage, to retribution, and what seems evident today will appear murky then.

"Depression" and "rage" are easily understood. "Retribution" defines "getting even", and there cannot be a more destructive act than having a revenge affair (RA) to even the score. Keep your honor tightly wrapped around you.

Post when you have questions. There is here a broad range of correspondents that only want to help.

Lastly, you will possibly get advice that you disagree with. It would be well not to reject it publicly here. Thank the provider, and just store it away. What seems "bizarre" might be a misinterpretation of what you have written, or it could be a poster's personal biases creeping in. The moderators will sweep up anything too far off-beam.

Reddog,

Thank you for your service.

First off, thank you for the advice and responses. NeverGuessed, your story is pretty amazing. Also, I�ve spent quite a few hours already exploring this site, but there�s so much info, so sorry if I�m hitting on things that I could find elsewhere. I will continue exploring.

I ordered the book "Surviving an Affair" after seeing so much talk about it on this site. It should be coming in the mail sometime in the next few days.

It's been 2 days now since D-Day. I still feel the same things; anger, pain, disbelief, betrayal, shock, etc. That is to be expected after only two days I suppose. In my mind, the only hope for us is if things truly are 100% cut off between WW and OM. As of right now I feel like they are, based off of the content of the message that she sent him that was never meant for me to see. If WW starts feeling like she's missing OM and wants to contact/see him again, then my choice will have been made for me. There's no way I could sit back and watch that happen. In this day and age it is so easy to hide things. She would be able to call and text him without me ever knowing. That�s another thing I�m going to need to deal with; the constant wondering if she�s resumed contact with OM.

I feel that there are 2 key differences in WW and I�s situation than most I've seen on here so far(I'm sure most people say that).

1: in the sense that it appears that WW had made the decision and written her own letter of no more contact prior to me knowing about the affair. I�m hoping that WW will live up to her promise of that, but it�s just going to take time to wait and see I guess. I want nothing more than to trust her, but my trust is obviously shattered.

2: the lack of emotional attachment, from as far as I can tell, has never had anything to do with the way WW and I are together; it�s been solely due to the physical separation that my deployment caused. When we spend time together things have always been great. I have never once felt a disconnect from her.

Every time I think about the actual magnitude of the situation, and how much damage this is causing, it brings me to tears. I can sit here and be semi ok for a minute, but then it all rushes back.

Every Wednesday for a long long time is going to make me nervous. Wednesdays were always the day that WW and OM would meet up for breakfast. WW works the late shift on Wednesday, and OM has Wednesdays off. The rest of the days of the week should be fine, because either I�m off at the same time as WW, or OM is working while WW is off. Wednesday mornings are the only days that WW and OM are off while I�m not.

The following is a list of things that are going to be the hardest to overcome:

Ever being able to trust WW again
Doing things that will always remind me of the affair
Every Wednesday morning
Spending a night away from WW

Sorry for the lack of organization in this post, I�m having a hard time sorting through everything in my head, and it�s all just sort of pouring out.

PS: In my original post I meant to quote 2 things WW said in her message to OM. I realize now that I said the same thing twice. The full quotes of what was said are: �But I could never picture myself leaving Mike. The truth is I�ve always belonged to Mike; he�s had such a profound impact on my life and he truly loves me.� And �But I can�t be with you. I belong with Mike, he�s everything he�s all there is for me.�

You would feel alot better if you slipped some spyware on her phone. Preferably, one with a built in GPS. If it doesn't have GPS, you can buy a zoombak from Best Buy and put it on her car. Some good cell phone spyware programs are eblaster [it has a built in GPS and is $65] or flexispy, which ranges from $150 up and tends to be pricey. eblaster is at spectorsoft.com and flexispy is at flexispy.com.

This will help restore trust in your marriage much FASTER and give you the ability to have some peace of mind.