I was looking for an old thread last night and I can't find it, so I'm posting my question.

We are having trouble POJAing SF that we are both happy with. I've listened to several radio broadcasts where Dr Harley talks about this and I haven't listened to everything I've found in the archives yet.

DH has made the statement that SF is a physical act, only a physical act, and he doesn't ever see that changing. That is just how it is for men. He wants excitement and fantasy.

Thankfully, not long before this conversation came up I had randomly listened to a Dr Harley show addressing men and fantasies and how some fantasies can be off putting to women.

I remember the book Passionate Marriage being discussed, and I've read it, but I doubt if DH would read through it (it's a tough read, I'm a reader and I wanted to quit reading a few times). I feel like something is missing between us in this department because of some of the things he wants. We are not participating in anything we are not both enthusiastically agreeing to, and we're negotiating really well, and I'm proud of both of us. And, there is no talk of another party or porn.

I can't find the thread I remember from a while ago and I can't remember the other books (I think) Pepperband and NG mentioned. Or maybe I'm nuts and it was someone else.

Thoughts?

Have you seen these?
Quality Education Sex Books
Aunt Pep's Sex Talk

Thank you BrainHurts! You are so good with search, I dug and used google and couldn't find what I was looking for.

The second thread is the one I was looking for.

I think DH's long history of porn usage is the root of this, but I could not find Pep's thread.

Off to read.

And, we watched porn together years ago, a little bit when we had first found Dr Harley. Then, we both quit.

Are you sure he isn't looking at porn?

Porn is a hard habit to break. Especailly if SF is not being met in a sufficient way. But in order for SF to be something of a more emotional nature rather than a pure physical need the porn has to go. For me it had to go for the simple fact it affected my wifes view of me and it caused further tensions between us and an even further drifting of appetites.

Snoop on your hubby to really find out. It really has to go. Its soo damaging in soo many ways. It may not seem like it at first .. and that its creating arousal in one or both of you. But is arousal caused by an external source instead of finding ways to arouse each other.

MNG

p.s. if this was too much info .. my appologies. *shrugs*

True porn, no. Googling women in bikinis and looking at underwear ads and VS models, Yes he has been doing that lately. I spent some time snooping through our PCs and I don't see anything else. All of our DVDs are at the other house in NC.

I also went through bank statements, credit card statements and see no indication of him paying for porn.

But, I think that I'm not holding up to the fantasy created by some 18 year old photoshopped underwear model. And, he's unsatisfied with me.

After reading Pep's thread yesterday that you linked, I think we have a problem, but I don't know that I would classify this as 'porn'.

He does not look at other women when we're out. So, he's not a gawker.

NG - SF is there for the taking, I never turn him down. I'm higher drive than he is. So, he isn't being deprived. I am thankful that we have the honesty and trust to have this conversation.

Well 100 years ago that would be considered porn

Does he have a smartphone with internet access? Did you check it?

No, he doesn't have a smartphone. His is an older flip phone, it is internet capable, but his line hasn't used any data and the only picture messages he has received are my daily little lunch email where I send him funny "I love you" photos.

NG - SF is there for the taking,

Imagine my confusion at reading this when I could not remember asking any question on the topic. I thought we had a TOS violation!

Anyway, the difference between swimsuit models showing their perky figures, and porn stars displaying their (What was the phrase?) "pixie pockets", is so small as to be ignored.

He's using images from other women to excite his base drives, when that should be entirely your duty (task? pleasure?).

Are you and he fully invested in PORH? Well, prove it!

If not, this would actually be a good training vehicle. It's something that he would have to do consciously, if he chooses to decline to change his actions.

(What I mean is that humans have brains that prefer their eyes to focus on "pretty" things, and that is damned difficult to override, so glancing at an attractive woman on the street is much less easily controlled, and could take years of discipline. Picking up a magazine is nowhere near so "automatic".)

Regards, the "authentic" NG!