I'd say you ignore what the girlfriend said about it. You've been in a marriage with an abusive nutjob for far too long -- and you cannot just heal overnight and trust again in hours.

Thanks LR. It's good to know I'm not alone.

My H used to tell me I "should" trust him - as if it was my duty or something - when he was doing things that I didn't like. Then he'd say I was a man-hater. I've since learned that this was his abusive way of shifting blame to me so he could continue gaining at my expense. And it helps to know that trust is something earned: not an obligation to bestow. Funny how everything became my fault, even his hurtful behavior. It's crazy.

Anyway, that's why I am particularly sensitive to feeling distrust - as if it's a character flaw or something - when actually it's just a product of my experience with my stbxh (and some others). I don't want to be a "man-hater" and I don't think I am: I love my sons!! But I'll be glad to heal and start seeing the good stuff again.

Thanks Karmasrose.

You're right, it takes time and good experiences. If the Harleys have taught me anything, it's that I can't force myself to feel differently. Feelings are just feelings, and needs are just needs. I remember years of shoving down my feelings and needs thinking I could make them go away: they just burst out sideways. Now I know better and honor my limits.

Funny how people tell each other what to do...even with the best of intentions. We are all different.

I must be the luckiest Mom in the world! My 14 year old son and I are getting along so well - we just talk and laugh all the time. I enjoy his company so much. He had a tough couple of grumpy years, but it seems to be finished now.

My 11 year old daughter has just started the "grumps" - but now I know it's just a phase, and she'll come out of it.

And of course Mr. 8 year old is just as cute as a button, sweet and funny. We snuggle and read at night.

And in a few weeks we are going on vacation: cruising to the Caribbean! We did this last year and they loved it. I sold my car to get the money for this trip, and I'm so glad I did. (I got another car, btw...we're not car-less!) I wanted something fun to look forward to, a time to build memories with my little family.

Anyway, in the grand scheme we are very blessed. Through all the sadness and fear of the past few years, I'm still able to hold my head up and give my children a happy home.

Am I like a pendulum, or what? Sad-happy-sad-happy. I don't think you'd notice this if you knew me IRL - I'm pretty steady and generally cheerful. I think I keep my sadness in my heart and dump it here sometimes.

Zhamila, that sounds awesome, I love it!

...heehee, my kids thought so, too! It's a snow day here and they sneaked onto my computer and read my last post out loud! They like to read it in funny voices, roll on the floor and laugh. My oldest has been going around saying, "He's as cute as a button."

Little stinkers!!

So, I've been reading Markos Journey for a few hours, just to see what a self-confessed angry husband looks like from 'darkness' to 'light.' I am getting really sad about my marriage.

My H never posted here. He just got mad at me for trying to get help and would rejoice when people were hard on me. In Markos' thread, I see a H who wanted a better marriage, had lots of work to do, and did everything possible to turn things around. He kept trying, asking, learning - relentlessly improving.

My H didn't do any of that, and it breaks my heart.

Should I have done something differently? Dr. Harley says a woman is usually unsuccessful at saving a marriage, but men can turn it around if they want. Is this what happened?

Was I right to kick him out for continuing his AOs? That sent him over the edge: he left very angry, he said and did many cruel things.

I'm sad that I didn't rate highly enough for him to put in the kind of effort Markos put in with Prisca.

It just hurts.

...and I'm gonna have to quit watching Downton Abbey - those husbands are SO SWEET to their wives - telling them how much they love them, how grateful they are to be married to them, etc. I know it's just romantic candy to keep women watching, but sheesh I wish I could experience it!....kind of like wanting to see a unicorn, I guess.



I sometimes even have a hard time listening to MB Radio: Dr. Harley is so sweet to Joyce, and my heart breaks a little more. But I know I should be happy for happy people.

Danggit.

The ending of a relationship is a bereavement. You are looking back to see what you might have done differently to have prevented it ending this way, a normal part of the mourning process.

You have to be very trusting to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable. Not everyone can do that. I'm guessing that neither of you was trusting enough of the other.

But looking back is only useful when it allows us to learn from our mistakes. Part of life's journey.

Yes so true. I had a mean first husband, even before I discovered the affair. It became normal to me. My new dh is so incredible....kind to me all of the time. Says sweet things to me multiple times a day. So know that there are good men out there...men willing to be kind and to improve themselves when needed.

Z,

I have picked up the ebook The Gaslight Effect. I am in the first chapter and all I can say is wow. This is a must read.

LR

Thanks LR! I read the first chapter online - I'll try to find a copy as I don't have an e-reader.

The part that jumped out at me was that people start to believe the gaslighter's manipulative statements because they so badly want to be loved, understood and appreciated. Their words play into our deep fear of being abandoned.

Sounds like me.

Thanks for the recommendation. I think I have a long way to go.

Good to remember they are out there.

Good to know that mourning is ok and normal.

Thanks to you both.

Try the library Z. The actual books I found on amazon are very expensive. I have been trying to balance my self help reading with crime/mystery.....sometimes it leads to interestings dreams. I just have to mix up all the self improvement with entertainment. I hope they would come out with 50 Shades of Stupid.......that would be a must read!

I found a local used book store that has an amazing inventory of every sort of book at very good prices.

Self Help + Crime/Mystery Dreams!!!

50 Shades of Stupid!!!

Good idea, Pep! I'll check out a few.

So I went back and started reading my abuse-recovery books, like Why Does He Do That - and it's abundantly clear that no matter what I did, he was going to continue his abusive/controlling ways. The big lie is that the wife thinks she could just 'act differently' to get him to stop blowing up and being destructive and scary.

I wish (still) that he would get help/therapy. But I can only control myself.

...sometimes I think Free Will is overrated...

In happier news, I am feeling more healthy every day! There were some little things that had been bugging me for almost 2 years, and they are nearly gone.

And my 8 year old son still snuggles me, which is sooo nice.

I did not think of used book store. Where I live they do not have one.