Hi all. I am a former member from several years ago. I was very active on these boards during my Ex H affair. We have been divorced for several years now. He had an OC with OW but they have never gotten married. I have a few questions if anyone can answer them. We used to live in the same city, but 3 1/2 years ago, I moved back to my hometown with our kids to be closer to my family and to get away from the drama of dealing with him on a weekly basis. Things were going very well, and still are. However, last summer, he up and moved to my hometown. Mind you, it is on the other side of town, but nonetheless, still. When we first got divorced I would have these wicked dreams of us. The dreams subsided once I moved away from him. When I found out he moved here, they started up again and I find myself dreaming about once a week. Is this normal? I could never see us ever getting back together. I just don't have those feelings for him anymore. But why do I have these dreams? I also want to know what goes on in a WS mind years after the affair? After the dirt has all settled. I'm just curious. Out of all the cities he could have moved to, he chose the city I live in. I'd say it was to me closer to his kids, but he sees them less now than when we lived 150 miles away from each other. He makes no effort to be in their lives.

Wow, how sad for your kids. And how interesting that your H never married the OW!

I would guess that you have the dreams because his close proximity triggers you. I do my best to stay as far away as possible from my XH because it triggers all those bad old feelings. It must be much harder for you, though, if you have minor children. My son is almost 30!

Hi ML, my kids are used to it now. At first they didn't understand. my youngest son was only 4 when we got divorced, he's now 12. My oldest is now 17. XH doesn't even see the middle son and hasn't for almost 5 years. he's a piece of work. Always has been. very sad. Over the years they have gone from defending him and protecting him to really not even caring...now the oldest rarely wants to go over there anymore. Sadly, he would rather stay with me and go see a movie than visit his father.

Another thing, when the boys DO see their dad, the OW never does anything with them. They do things by themselves. Before, they would do everything together. Go grocery shopping, out to eat, to the movies, whatever...now, they do it all alone with their dad. I haven't been around the boards in years to know what goes on in a previous WH's mind and what happens years down the road.

I should find the radio clip where Dr Harley talks about "affairages." I know they are not married, but Dr H said that in 40 years he has never met anyone who was happy in his affair "marriage." Every one of them deeply regretted leaving the marriage. Listen to this - you will get a kick out of it!: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2233

Thanks for the link. Very interesting. We actually attended one of the seminars in San Fran when the affair was going on. It's funny because he often portrays their relationship as it was when he was in the affair. "She's my soul mate", "we have the best relationship", bla bla bla...whatever. ha ha

Hey Teacher,

Your nightmares are caused by anxiety.
More specificly the anxiety you indured during & after the affair of your ex-husband.
The news he is moving to your town is triggering your subconcious to revisit these old feelings.

This is all perfectly normal "brain behaviour" after a traumatic experience.

If these nightmares continue, please consult your doctor.

I have a simple answer. His life sucks, his marriage sucks and the OW sucks. So to make his miserable life better he has to wreck yours with his presence. One thing I noticed about most affairs is that the offending parties bash their BSs. Once there is nothing to bash all they have are each others dishonesty. Then the relationship falls apart with each person wondering why they were so dumb to leave their prior relationships. Some come back others intrude on their BSs lives after they have moved on to have more to talk about. "If my BS is miserable because of my relationship then I feel better about my lame brain decision." In short ignore him and carry on smartly he is obviously trying to damage you further.

seven years on and you are having those dreams, how awful.
your mind should let you rest, but we cannot control it, can we?
I would agree here with geroldmodel. These are definitely anxiety symptoms "revisited"
Your worries are not really about him living around the corner,
however it is a very powerful trigger and brings you back to when the affair took place and all the emotions that went with it (fear, saddness, rage, anger... etc)
Emotions then translate into physical symptoms such as sleeping problems, eating problems (this one I actually liked!)etc.
If this was happening during the time when you are awake, you could always try to change the behavioural pattern, but when you are asleep, it is very tricky.,
Would love to read your story, have a feeling that it would be very inspirational ( but cannot find it)
All the best to you.

ST

Is your XWH a physician?

Thanks for your posts everyone. It does make sense. I don't give him the time of day (so to speak) when I am awake as far as thinking about him, the past, or anything to do with him. but I can't control what my mind does when I'm asleep. It is bothersome, because sometimes the dreams are very vivid. They have changed though over the years. And now that I think about it, I really didn't have the dreams when I moved back to my hometown and he was still so far away.

I think when the dreams started back up, the move was very fresh and such a shock to me. He was insinuating that he was going to spend more time with the kids and in fact he sees them less now than he did when we lived further away from each other.

I'm not sure why I am curious as to what goes on in his mind. I don't have any contact with him whatsoever. I don't question the kids at all about them, I don't ask them questions about how things are over there, I just don't care. They try to tell me "things" and I tell them I don't need to know. It's his house and what goes on there is his business. They don't talk about it anymore. I'm really in the dark when it comes to what they do, and I like it that way.

I guess I just wonder if they ever regret what they did...or if they live in this fog forever.

Czarne...I'm not registered under this user name. I'm under another name. My story is really nothing unusual...he had an affair, they had a child, they never got married, they live together still, he sees my kids when he wants to...doesn't see one of kids because "he's difficult". bla bla bla. I'll post a link to my story one of these days for you to read. you might find it interesting...I find it rather disgusting. ;-)

yes.

I always wondered how you were doing.
You gave it your best shot.
You could not compete with his narcissism.

he hasn't changed PB, as far as I know. I just know from the few texts we exchange and many times they are just as narcissistic as ever before. I'm doing really well. I'm a much better person today than I was 9 years ago. The boys are doing great. They had their rough patches, but are growing into nice young men. I put myself through school and am now teaching HS, raising them on my own. We have a great time. We are a very close family, despite the pitfalls we've been through. My mom is very much involved in their lives and helps me so much. She's my "significant other". :-) Thanks for asking.

About the dreams: I still have them sometimes too. Very seldom though. I think I remember you from when I was clinging onto the Board for dear life.
Who knows what goes on in their crazy minds, or what stupidity impelled him to move to your home town. Regret???? Did he move his practice 150 miles?
They are like a burr in our unconscious, is all I can guess.

Belle .... my dear friend. Hello. And Kisses!
Our walk through the gardens at the Getty .... a special memory.

Pepper! I just moved, and while packing found the dvd you filmed during our walk in the gardens. Happy memories! I also found the sparkly earrings. It pays to pack and move.