Here's why I'm considering it. I know that WH is essentially a good person who never wanted to hurt anyone. I believe that this might be a way for him to help forgive himself. I also will restate in my part of the letter that we want no further contact - that it is NOT an invitation to rekindle the affair. Simply an apology so that WH can move on.

Yes, he is on anti-depressants. He IS thinking of me and our family. And it isn't really fair to say he shouldn't be thinking of himself, as long as it is not selfish in nature. And saying you're sorry isn't selfish.

Much to think about until I see WH tonight.

Thanks everyone for giving your sincere thoughts. Much to think about until I see WH tonight.

WH is still untrustworthy.

Pepperband, I do think that she would hate receiving a letter from him.

Thanks everyone for giving your sincere thoughts. Much to think about until I see WH tonight.

It has been awhile since I've been on. I don't remember what I've shared and probably no one else does either, without digging in past posts!

Summary: WH started an EA/PA 12/11 ish, 1/12 ish. We separated late 1/12 but I didn't know about the affair. We set some boundaries, including no dating for the time being. Well, he started another EA/PA because the 1st one went back to her sugar daddy husband and he was lonely. Had a partial d-day in early June, for 2nd affair. Several days later he started to fully disclose details about 2nd affair, but still hadn't mentioned the 1st one. He moved back in with me and went no contact with 2nd OW. Mid August he admitted that he'd been with 2nd OW once since moving back home and told me about 1st OW.

Since then we have been doing OK, but not good. WH has been VERY depressed and dealing with insomnia. He WANTS to get better and is doing all of the things he needs to do to meet my needs. And I'm very much enjoying meeting his needs (sexual and affection). But I always felt like he was holding back. I wasn't sure if it was holding back information about his affairs I knew about, or if there was one that he didn't want to admit to. I didn't feel like he was currently in an affair, but that there might have been someone he didn't tell me about.

He finally opened up to me at 3 AM between Friday & Saturday. He started by saying he is so sorry for all the pain he has caused me and how depressed he's been. He knows that it has caused a lot of stress and is amazed at how well I'm handling things. I thought his 1st affair was little more than a 1 night stand and he never said anything to correct my assumption. And I was so focused on the 2nd OW. He opened up to me that the 1st one was the dangerous one, the one that he was hooked on, and the one that broke his heart.

So we talked, and talked, and talked about her all weekend. And about how we let our relationship decline and our feelings towards each other in the months before his 1st affair. It was really good to get it out in the open. I am hoping that it moves him along in the process of getting out of his depression. I think this man is becoming a better person. He is so much more understanding than he ever was before; both with me and with understanding our special needs son and his problems. He was very selfish (and hard headed), even prior to the affairs, and now he understands just how selfish he was. It is easier for me to approach him now, because I know he�ll look at things from other perspectives.

Please still keep us in your thoughts. I hope soon to be able to say he is my FWH (formerly wayward) or simply my DH (dear hubby).

Joseph's Letter.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)