Hi all.

I decided to post here after taking some of the advice that Ive been reading.

So it all started last september, I had the 'ILYBNILWY' speech from my wife. I vowed to change and do things to make her happy, which I was successful with. However it seems that the EA had already begun with the OM. I finally found everything out 3 weeks ago when my wife tried to commit suicide.

She was then diagnosed with manic depression and is getting help. shes been on meds for 2 weeks now, and I reassured her that I would support her, be her rock, etc.

All was going well and it seemed like she was coming back to me (been staying at her parents for last 3 weeks), we were spending time together and cuddling, having fun and there was 1 instance of sex last week. She told me that the other guy meant nothing and she had got rd of him. Then on friday she told me that she had spoken to him again because she missed him and that we were over.

She has also now told our 6 year old daughter about her new fella and she was distraught.

Now I love her dearly and just want her back. I have only been making contact with her when it concerns our daughter. She has been texting me nearly daily but only very brief and I have responded in the same way.

We have split 3 or 4 times over the last 6 monthsm, but this is because of the EA and I have begged and pleaded with her to stay with me. This time I have not, she wanted out and I have said 'ok'.

Last night she rang me and said she wanted to know how I was feeling as its not just her going through it, its me too. I said that I wasnt ready to talk about it over the phone but that she should know that Im not happy.

Now today I decided to go with plan A and I went and spoke to her about how I was feeling.

I told her about how much it hurt me and that I wouldnt be resonsible for the affair. I also told her that I would offer forgiveness with time.

Her only response was that when I meet someone else that I tell her and then we discussed our daughters livng arrangements.

I stayed calm and then left.

Im just not sure where I go from here or if I did the right thing, any advice would be appreciated.

thanks.

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Have you read up about exposure on this website?

An exposure must be done.

What did your WW tell your DD?

Does WW parents know about OM?

Well as far as the daughter is concerned te daughter should stay with you.
Run a criminal background check on the other man ASAP.
And expose this affair immediately to all family, friends and church. Also the OM family friends and church.

Yes, Ive exposed the affair.

Her parents know all about it, but whilst they arent happy about it, they are siding with her (naturally) and think that this is what she wants to do.

They have said today that they will help her get her own place so I dont think I will be getting any help from them.

She has told my daughter that she is seeing the OM (it is one of her school friends dads) and that we are not getting back together. I still feel it was too soon for her to say that to her but it was out of my control.

I also dont think the OM's family are too worried about it as he split up with his missus last year - around the time that me and WW started having problems!

The funny thing is, yesterday she came over to see our daughter as she has been staying with me and we spent the day together. We were messing about and dancing and she was a little touchy feely with me at some points. Then at one point, we danced together and she had this look in her eye like she wanted to tear my clothes off, but then she looked shy and pulled away and went into the other room.

When I asked her what was wrong , she just looked at me slightly sad and said 'nothing'

I think I did the right thing by going with plan A and explaining everything to her about this whole mess, and I made a point of repeating that I could be prepared to forgive her in time.

But am I right in thinking that this is way too soon for any other reaction from her other than us moving on?

Yes, I've exposed the affair. Her parents know all about it,

Sorry, dude, the answer should have been, "No, I have not exposed as defined by MB!"

"Her parents know...." should have been, "I told her parents myself, how WW has been catting around, abandoning their Granddaughter, to carry on her adulterous affair with another man. Then I told each of her siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, close co-workers, clergy, old college chums, etc, the same thing, and asked them all to use their influence on WW to give up her fantasy and resume her responsibility toward her daughter's well-being. I then researched and discovered POSOM's contacts - wife, (girlfriend, baby-momma), parents, siblings, coworkers, etc, how his immoral behavior is destroying another family. Then I contacted the school which was to loci of this interaction, telling them how their policies are fostering infidelity by parents of the children there. I then followed this up with a letter to the school PTA, describing the same thing."

Okay, now get to work making your tepid and indecisive response more like the one I provided.

The next lesson will be: Ruining the Lifestyle That Permitted WW's Affair to Begin, and Continue!

Hint: Plan A without a stout stick is Plan Doormat, or Plan Eunich!

l should have gone into more detail but I was trying to be brief.

I have contacted the school and made them aware of what was going on, I also told her parents myself and told them that she wasnt thinking of our daughter to which they agreed, then took her back home with me.

I have spoken to some of her friends but unfortunately I am not really in any form of contact with many of them as I always felt I would be too overbearing and not allowing her any freedom if I became too involved with them.

I have pretty much followed what the plan A guide says, like I said I was trying to kep my posts short and sweet.

I have not begged her to R, I have not told her that I love her and I want her back, I have been avoiding all contact unless it is essential (our daughter) andI am trying to get on with my life.

I even bought some new clothes yesterday so that I would look good when I saw her today. Im just unsure if it was too early to start plan A in motion with her, when she is still clearly in the 'fog'.

I sort of feel like it was, but I am glad that I have told her everything upfront, and she even knows that it was hard for me to do so.

One more thing:
You may want to consult an attorney regarding custody.
She has basically abandoned her family

As for starting plan A. It is not too early.
You are either in plan a or plan b.

Thankyou JK

I did think that I was right to do it.

I am now just keeping distance and avoiding contact, as I have already sewn the seed in her mind.

I know that this will be a long road, and maybe by the time her fog lifts, I will have moved on myself and not want her back.

But right now, I cant bear the thought of not being with her and her affections being shared with the OM.

I love her dearly and honestly believed that we were soulmates, but right now, I dont know who she is anymore.

Expose to the BW/exBW (not sure if 'split up' means divorced or separated, or if you have confirmed it for yourself). The adultery is already icky but if someone told me my stbx's hoochie was depressed and had attempted suicide, I would move mountains to make sure my child was nowhere near such an unstable woman. This child's mother may launch some nukes for you, but you have to make her aware.

Absolutely consult with an attorney....
Your wife is in the fog, and your child needs a sane parent...
Your wifes attitude about your daughter being with you will change.
And if you dont prepare and protect yourself and your daughter, you will be sorry....
It puts you in controll and not the wayward

Okay, your explanations position you as having a much firmer grasp of MB principles. But stop having qualms about exposing fully.

I have spoken to some of her friends but unfortunately I am not really in any form of contact with many of them

You have their phone numbers? E-addresses? Snail-mail addresses? Time to stop worrying about being "overbearing" and maximize the exposure opportunity. You also skipped answering the "extended family" item. Assuming, by your silence, you have not done so, GET YOUR STORY OUT!

Immediately contact a lawyer and register with the court your position that WW has abandoned her responsibilities and her family. This will be vital as this drags how, to demonstrate her length of time in absentia.

Does WW have a job outside the home? Does she have independent income? Either way, cut off all her access to joint funds. Transfer all monies/assets to accounts under your name only.

Is her vehicle registered to you? If so, pull the plates and cancel her insurance. If she is covered under your medical insurance, try to remove her. (If the opposite is true, that you are covered under a policy of hers, you need to have your lawyer know that, in case she decides to drop you!)

Change the locks on the doors to your house. WW does NOT get to "drop in" whenever she gets bored with serrvicing POSOM.

I also think you should speak to an attorney ASAP. Your WW is unstable...you need to face this and take precautions. Manic depression and attempted suicide are very serious issues. You can't afford to risk your daughter's safety...your WW can't be trusted.

However, I would not recommend nuclear exposure nor financially cut her off entirely at this point. You don't want to finance an affair and also protect assets but you don't want to look vindictive if you go to court either. If you have not made contact with specific exposure targets like the (ex)BW, the OM's parents/siblings, I would do that first.

Just pulling out a few quotes.














Your life, and your daughter's life resemble as a bouncing ping-pong ball, and your WW is holding the paddle, swinging away. She is unstable and pulling your family into her disease.

People with a diagnosed mental illness deteriorate without structure. The more structure the better.

In your situation, Plan A will not provide structure. You are trying to negotiate with an unstable mind. Your DD6 is watching this chaos and DD6 may come to think that chaos is a normal way of life.

Your #1 priority at this time should be your DD6. Not your wildly swinging WW. You cannot 'love' her away from her disease.

What to do?
Document everything.
See a family law attorney.
Think about a legal separation with WW only getting supervised visitation. Your attorney can tell you what you will need to make this happen.

I am so deeply sorry you and DD6 are going through this.
Plan A is a bad idea in your case.

You can continue plan A while in divorce or legal proceedings.

I have custody of my kids because my wife left and sometimes you have to take legal action to protect kids.

Safety first!

I actually completely agree.
Just be aware, Plan A is not going to help WW overcome her disease. Nor is it going to inspire her to behave better.
Do it to bide time.

Yes please consult a lawyer and try to get custody.

Now I am in nursing school and have been working on a mental health floor for more than a semester, so I want to say that Bipolar can be very treatable as long as she takes the prescribed meds. The situation will not be helped by this disorder, but it doesn't nullify Plan A and Plan B.

You should expose to anyone and everyone. I used the form letter provided here at marriage builders, tailored it to suit my family, and used the other woman's facebook list to send to the top 20 people on her list that I suspected were closest to her and/or a relative. I also sent it to the top of WH's friends. I also told his family, my family, heck even our banker who was a former coworker of his. I have no regrets about doing that at all. The next time those people saw them they knew who they were and what they were doing to our family and our children. Sure, many of them decided to side with them in the end... but they will never forget it began as an affair. They can't pretend like he was already divorced and then they started dating. Goodbye fantasy world.

Okay, and after that, no don't try to explain to her. That is not really a Plan A as I understand it. You should be kind to her, patient with her. I'll leave it to the experts to say how you would pull this one off... I was in Plan A for a month though and I wrote him lovey texts while he was at work (away from her) talking about the things that made me fall in love with him, etc. It worked well enough that he came home at the end of that month. But then he missed OW so bad he left again. That time I went Plan B.

I think you can still do Plan A even with Bipolar disorder. However Plan A is not explaining how you feel. Plan A is reminding her of what she fell in love with and how much she has to lose when you are gone into Plan B.

Thankyou for all your comments.

No she doesnt currently have a job, we have seperate bank accounts, all bills, rent, etc are in my name alone, she doesnt drive a car so no worries there.

She doesnt have any extended family, it is literally her mum and dad and her 2 brothers. I have spoken to them all and revealed the affair to all of them.

She doesnt really speak to her brothers much so I doubt they will have much influence on her, but I told them all the same.

I have already sought legal advice and will be takig the neccessary steps with regards to DD6. She and myslef are my main priorities throughout all of this.

I understand that her disease is pretty much for life, and with her getting medical help it can bring her somewhat close to normal as long as she sticks to it.

Ive had an interesting evening, Ive had a reading from a spiritual medium and was quite shocked at how accurate it was!

Needless to say with the information Ive gained, it has made me feel a bit strionger and more resilient. It has made me see that the WW is trying to control and manipulate me through my emotions, although Im not sure how much of that her mental illness is responsible for, but even so, its not an excuse.

Unfortunately this illness has only been brought to the fore in the last 8 months, which is pretty much when we started having relationship problems - go figure!

I have already changed the locks on the house, we rent from our local housing authority and unfortunately it is a joint tenancy andwe have equal right to be here. However, I have made it quite clear that I am not going to loose my home because of something that she was responsible for, and she moved out of her own accord - I did not throw her out.

Pepperband, thanks for the advice on documenting!

You know, its funny but Im starting to notice little things, earlier she called to ask what time I was picking up DD6 tomorrow, and she was very nice and polite during the conversation. I said I was getting my hair cut so I would pick her up after that. Now my WW would always cut my hair, and she asked who was cutting it, and I told her it was my mums hairdresser friend, and she suddenly became short and sharp in her tone - 'ok, fine. I'll see you tomorrow!'

In my head I was just saying to myself - see, I can get by on my own, something which I dont think she was expecting.

I do belive, in some small form, that the conversation I had with her today (plan A) has made some impression on her.

I have said all along that I suspect that the bipolar has played a large part in all this, and I think Im right on that.

It doesnt excuse what she did, but it probably hasnt helped.

I went with plan A as she called and asked how I was feeling after finding everything out and us seperating. Initially I didnt want to tell her anything at all, and I said as much on the phone to her. But after some sleep, in the morning, I read about plan A and thought it was worth a try. I was just upfront and honest about how it has affected our family and our DD6. I even used the line word for word, about how much my heart aches for the love that we used to have.

I told her that I do deeply care about her but I understand why we are where we are. Then I left.

But after tonight, I feel that I am going to lose who I am as a person if I continue down that road. I need to rebuild my strength for me and my DD6 and I now think the only way I can achieve that is by switching to plan B. But I think I will do it over time so as not to send the WW spiralling out of control again.

I really dont want to have to sit DD6 down one day and tell her that mummy wont be with us anymore