So we got into a bit of a spat yesterday. I got invited to go to a local NBA game with a guy friend from work. I asked her if it was OK with her if I went and she responded with "That means I can have a girly night". I asked "What's a girly night?" and she says a girls night out.

Well, last time she went out with the girls, it was supposed to be to see the new twilight movie. They were going to meet at a restaurant before hand and then see the movie. The way the night actually turned out was different however. They went to the movie and then went to a club afterward and stayed out till 2 in the morning. One of the girls in the group (who is divorced) ended up going home with some guy she met there.

So knowing that, I said "Do you think you guys can avoid going out to a bar or club?" To which she responded "How about if we go to a restaurant and drink?" I ended up at the end of the conversation saying "I don't feel good about this girls night out thing."

Well that didn't go over well with her. She then said "Shana gets to go out." and "You mean I go out with my friends now." The conversation ended because I had to go back to work. Later on that evening she told me she feels like it is punishment. I told her "it's not about punishment". She said "well it feels that way". The conversation ended there.

Bottom line, I don't think she gets it.

Edited to add: I ended up canceling going to the NBA game and she didn't go out either.

This is a WW that is looking to have another affair.

She has not learned anything about boundaries.

You on the other hand needed to say you are not going out clubing, drinking, dancing, cheating like she did and her toxic friends.

However at this point you have not learned anything about MB.

How are you doing getting your 20 UA time every week. You fall short? How hours of UA time have you and WW ad for the last ten weeks?

At this point your need for recreational time needs to be spent together not apart.

You are an adult. You want to go to a game you offer to buy the tickets from your friend or you go buy two tickets on your own and take WW.

You want to go out at night yet expect WW to stay home alone.

Your WW has to go NC with these toxic friends. Where there is smoke there is fire.

These women that want to hang out in bars, clubs, or whatever and drink dressed up to attract male attention is not a healthy pass time for married women. And for single women not the best way to go about looking for a relationship.

This is not true. I have no real problem with her having friends of the same sex and going out with them for fun once in a while. I only object to where they choose to go.

Me going to a basketball game with a guy from work for a few hours is not the same as going out to a bar / club until the wee hours of the morning.

FTF,

Had you met your 15-20 hours of UA time for the week? That should be the priority before either of you go out with others.

How is your UA time?

This is good. Now the two of you need to sit down together and plan exactly how your time apart from each other can be spent while protecting your marriage, going forward.

I would suggest that the two of you sit down every Sunday afternoon (or any other time that is mutually agreeable) with a planner and plan out your upcoming week. Start with plugging in 20 hours of detailed UA time. After that, look at whatever time you have left. If there is adequate time for the two of you to occasionally spend a few hours with friends, you can plan accordingly.

The most important thing is to have firm rules in place regarding these evenings spent with friends. Make the rules and agree on them. There is to be no deviation from those rules without enthusiastic agreement on the part of both of you.

My H and I rarely spend time apart. We have firm rules in place regarding the time we are with friends. Here's what we follow:

We agree that the spouse who goes out tells the other exactly where we will be. If that changes, we are to inform the other spouse immediately. My best female friend and I enjoy meeting for dinner once every few weeks. Not too long ago, we planned on meeting at an Italian restaurant. When we got there, we found it was closed on Wednesdays. So off we headed to another restaurant. On the way, I called Mr. Bliss to inform him of our change in plans.

The spouse who is not going out has a standing invitation to join the other spouse without notice. All of our friends understand this and couldn't care less. They respect our rules.

We are home on time or early.

At any time, either spouse can call the other spouse. Just to say hi. I talk to Mr. Bliss two or three times when I'm at dinner with my girlfriend, just to tell him I love him or to see if he wants me to bring home some to-go food. He does the same when he is out.

At any time, the at-home spouse can request that the spouse who is out is to take a picture of the people they are with and send it to the at-home spouse. In this day of FaceBookers capturing everything they do to post on their FaceBook page, this is simple to do and does not look unusual at all.

These are rules that we follow. You and your wife need to establish your own rules and follow them. I would suggest that one of your rules would be NO bars or establishments that enable dancing.

How is your reading comprehension?

You missed all the key points that I made.


I can't believe that you respond that you have no problem going out with her drinking, cheat on their husband friends.

Huh? Surely, you didn't mean to say that you approve of her social circle...that divorcee that picks up men at bars is an outstanding role model.



It was an opportunity for the TWO of you to do something since, after all, you've been short on UA time for a good while now. I'm glad to hear that you passed on the excursion, though.

How are things?

I don't feel all that good about it to be honest. It almost seems that trying to follow the program has caused even more conflict than before!

I did ask my wife to post here as well. She posted in the SAA section. I don't know if I'm messing things up by misapplying the advice I've been given or what. I figured if she posted as well, both sides could be seen.

That's good that she posted, hopefully she can get some good input from those that have been in similar situations.

It would be preferable for you not to post on her thread.

Is your UA time the same as before? While I understand your position with kids and work, it's not going to just fix itself...you're going to have to make this time happen and just force your way through it until it becomes easier.

And it will become easier, but I sense that you're just kind of floating along day to day here.

How about those LB's?

I don't intend to post in her thread. I just posted once to say she was my wife to give some context.

Our UA time is basically the same. I know the importance of this. It IS difficult. It is true that I feel as if we are just floating along day to day sometimes from one situation to the next.

I've messed up on the LB a few times. I think I allow myself to become too frustrated.

So what's your plan?

Your wife is already not in love with you, FTF. Lovebusters will just continue to drain your account in her love bank.

We understand this is a horrible situation and that it's easy to become frustrated, but you have to stop all lovebusters. Period.

I hated my husband for what he did, and I really let him have it with both barrels at times. One way he won me back was his persistent and consistent meeting my emotional needs. And even when I pushed him to the limit with my incredible anger toward him, he never ever responded in kind. He was always, without fail, gentle with me. This was a big part of how he won me back.

He would respectfully request SF,but only after he'd done all he could do to show that he loved me.

When you feel yourself getting frustrated, change the subject, change what you're doing, force yourself to relax, but don't give in to the urge to lovebust, even when you feel justified in doing so.

It seems very unfair that the betrayed husband has to woo his unfaithful wife back, but that's what Dr. Harley recommends, and it has worked to create many successful marriages.

Get in that UA time; it's crucial.

Have a plan. Read the books aloud together, a few pages each night. Talk about the topics in a safe and pleasant manner. Get Five Steps to Romantic Love and start working through the worksheets. The Online Seminar was the best expenditure of a thousand dollars that we have ever made. We spent more than that on useless marriage counseling and a divorce will cost a great deal more.

You really should not have done that.

I asked your wife several questions and she was quite capable of answering them and telling me that her H was posting here, and you were him. So far she has not answered any of my questions.

Your popping in to introduce her had the effect of holding her hand, which she doesn't need, and asking me to be "nice" to her - implied that I wasn't being, or was in danger of not being, "nice".

She needs the normal questioning and accountability that we put all spouses here. She'll get fair treatment, no more or less.

My bad. She posted once before on another forum and many of the posters were very cruel to her. It left a very bad taste in her mouth.

My only intention was to not have a similiar experience.

I won't post in her thread again.

Very cruel? Are you sure they were not just calling her to account for the very attitudes you have been complaining about here?

Yes, there was some of that. But there was also a lot of "You should just divorce him".

WW screen name?

You should post it in your tagline.

Her screen name is feuillecouleur. Updated my sig.

You're learning a new way of living. Consider that there will be some growing pains that the two of you will experience while you put this new life together.