There is no marriage. Aren't they divorced ?

Thank you very much Mr. V for your side and perspective.

Have you two thought about doing the online?

Mrs. V if your DH communicates this clear all the time with you, why do you have such a different story? Does he communicate this clear most the time?

Indeed, with assets and custody already decided. It's a full on renter's agreement.

Being MR and MRS V clearly do not have money issues.

Neither one is having a happy relationship.

That they can afford the cost and have the money to phone session with the Harley's.

I smell a passive aggressive husband controling his WW with his Lt Commander Spock logic.

No Mr. V is perfectly well too busy to give his wife the time of day. He is happy to have 30 second conversations with her because their current schedule is working out just dandy. Clearly he has his priorities worked out. Mrs V. is left to speculate because Mr. V had made it clear that he's waaaaaaaay too busy to entertain her cnversations... Mrs. V-'s overactive imagination is a direct result of MR. V knowing exactly what is needed in their marriage at this point and spending time with his wife is certainly not permissible.
Well Mr. And Mrs. V. I wish you all the luck in the world. You're going to need it.

Interesting. I'm trying to think of a reason not to take Mr V's statements at face value (other than the MikeX thing, which is I admit a bit tough to swallow). I mean, why would I believe Mrs V more than Mr V?

Mrs V is not a child. She made (bad) choices in a situation created from her own (bad) choices. She also seems to have deep issues with shame and a very unhealthy fear of confrontation. Mrs V, I urge you to interact with your husband as an equal. You can't save your marriage without it.

I was thinking the same thing, but I did have a problem with his complaint that someone suggested divorce to her, yet they are divorced already. Another thing that hits me as off is his apparent attitude of the divorce he did get, that he exercised his right and the divorce wasn't given to him and yet he didn't force his wife to get divorced. A lot of the rest of it comes across as him allowing his children's nanny to live in his house with his children.

Mrs. V's husband, you said that the divorce was a separate issue from the relationship issue, but when it comes to something as intertwined as a man and woman living together, forging a life together, is it? What is a religious marriage? Is it defined by taking extraordinary care, one of another? Is it commitment to one another as well as the children? Would you be willing to counsel with Dr. Harley in order to improve your marriage? There is one thing that comes out clear here and that's that at least Mrs. V is in a very unhappy state and appears to not see a way to a better present and future. You may feel the same way, but we haven't heard much from you except on your wife's thread.

In the terms of service, it is made clear that the posters here are not licensed psychologists acting as such. Maybe the suggestion of the coaching services or online course is a good one for you two. You yourself stand to gain a lot and end up with something way more fulfilling to you than what you have now.

Vplanifolia, I would agree with Dr Harley that your husband is an abuser. He has used your affair to manipulate you for years. The problem is that you permit him to abuse and gaslight you. You are a huge part of the problem. Keep in mind that this is the view of objective outsiders who have no emotional investment in your situation. Your relationship with your husband is very sick and unhealthy.

I am surprised he is still lying about being MikeX. We all know that was your husband.

Sadly, it is not hard for me to believe that Mrs V is the SOLE problem here. I do not see Mr. V as an abuser. My ex pulled this sort of stuff with me and it was all in his head. Same shoe, different foot.

My two cents.

*********

That and the whole we are married, divorced, husband, exH, wife, exW...

Keep it simple...there is no marriage.

"Sadly, it is not hard for me to believe that Mrs V is the SOLE problem here. I do not see Mr. V as an abuser. My ex pulled this sort of stuff with me and it was all in his head. Same shoe, different foot. "

I just don't see any evidence that MrsV is the problem, other than the fact that she allows her H to gaslight her. Dr Harley had the exact same reaction as me and I think we have pretty good instincts. If there were evidence that she is the sole problem, we would see it. It we don't.

I think I have pretty good insticts too, Mel. If Mrs V isn't the sole problem, then she is 98.2575% of it IMO. The whole Mike vs Mr V thing...well nothing surprises me these days. There are plenty of weird people that people call friends. Is Mr V lying? Could be. From Mrs V's words I think she can't let go of her "marriage" and is hanging on at all costs.

And what you highlighted is exactly the results of correctly applied tactics of gaslighting and emotional abuse.

She came on here to try to set the record straight by self-effacement, or to make up a term, self-erasement, in order to appease.

V_, it's up to you, right now, to make your decision as to whether you want to live this way the rest of your life, because this shows something you need to understand: this is the best you are going to get if you keep playing his games with him.

MelodyLane hit it just right quite a while ago: "Welcome to the rest of your life."

June 2011 - Mrs V wrote:

"Not really posting much of an update, as things are still the same re: "recovery." H just discussed w/ me the other day how he still sees us going our separate ways as the best option for both of us, eventually.

I admit I was hoping that he might be more on the fence about that kind of decision, though ultimately I'm not surprised at all that he still feels that way."

How is Mr V emotionally abusing and gaslighting Mrs V? He told her this ^^^ over a year and half ago. Should a BS lie about their feelings and/or give a FWW false hope of recovery? I don't get how Mr V has become the villian here.

V got caught "being a bad girl."


Her MAY-UN straightened her out, then came here to straighten out us herrrrrrrrrrr trouble makers.


Mrs. V was to come along and see her MAY-UN show her how trouble makers are dealt with.

She was also expected to do her "good little wifey" bit; posture small, eyes low, voice quiet... no eye contact... say that she was wrong and her MAY-UN was right.


Yeah. I remember seeing "little wifey" when I worked in the grocery store...

Well, I will put mine and Dr Harleys up against yours any day. Sorry, but I just will. Like I said, I don't see any evidence here that she is the "sole" problem. I do agree she is hanging onto a dead marriage but he is gaslighting her by continually giving her false hope.

And mrV is MikeX. That is obvious.

Partly it's because if he's really done with her, he wouldn't be "keeping" her. He would have made his statements clear rather than going along with religiously married, but legally divorced. I would think if he wanted to go different ways, he would have reiterated that. It appears that he holds all the aces already.

Doesn't matter, though, the fact remains that this is the best V_ is going to get. The question for her to answer for herself is "can I, will I continue this way?" I think she answered "yes."

HHH, your description of Mrs V does not jive with this:

"That's not all. It got out of control so quickly, and I had so many issues that compounded it. I actively pursued this OM, I had control problems, I didn't want to admit it was casual sex for this guy (or that it could even be just that for me). I emotionally disconnected from my husband and son, knew what I was doing was hurtful and jeopardizing everything we had but couldn't "feel" emotionally any real impact. I didn't want affection from my husband, I felt like being independent (not even like being w/ this OM, just independent), I couldn't understand who I had become."

Next we will hear how OM was a predator who took advantage of the little wifey with the mean old BH.

Mrs V, if you are lurking, I want you to know that I don't mean to pick on you. A lot of your thread is missing due to the 2009 forum implosion...anyway...I wish you well and hope to see you return to the Forum.

x3